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#327785 - 04/08/10 10:28 PM Unsure
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
I am a new member to the group. I have to be perfectly candid. I'm not sure I belong here. I'm still coming to terms with what happened to me and the impact it's had on my life.

I had two encounters with a guy in my church between the ages of 12 to 13. He was a year older then me. By the way, my Dad was the pastor of the church when these events took place. The first time, he told me that he wanted to initiate me into a club. He had me pull down my pants and sprayed my penis with a water bottle. The second time, I was at his house in his bedroom. He was wearing a robe. He took off his robe and I saw that he was naked.

I am really struggling because I don't know if this qualifies as abuse. I had no sexual contact with him at all. But after these encounters, my life changed. I began masturbating almost every day and became confused about my sexuality. Before this, I never struggled with these things. I continued liking girls but found myself attracted to other guys, too.

I also became increasingly angry. I often thought about commiting suicide. And I have struggled with having friendships with guys ever since.

I should mention that I have been married for 18 years. I having a wonderful, supportive wife. I was just a little over a year ago that I finally told her about what happened. I can see that keeping this secret for so long hurt my relationship with her.

Am I crazy? Should I consider myself as being abused or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#327788 - 04/08/10 10:56 PM Re: Unsure [Re: pkincrisi]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
pkincrisi

You have some great self-knowledge as to the effects of your situation. Obviously you were tramatised, your boundaries were broken and that has an effect on all of us. I think you qualify as being abused.

The good news is that by getting involved in MS you can learn how to live with the outcome of your abuse. There are so many guys here that have insight into overcoming and thriving in this world. The biggest thing here is the support that you will recieve which in many ways compensates for the damage that was done in your developing years.

Keep coming back and get to know the great guys that are apart of this website.


Gus

_________________________
My Story

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#327789 - 04/08/10 10:58 PM Re: Unsure [Re: Gus Bierer]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Thanks, Gus. I'm think I'm finally ready to start facing what's happened to me.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#327813 - 04/09/10 05:42 AM Re: Unsure [Re: pkincrisi]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
pkincrisi,

plain and simple: you were raped. even though he did not lay a finger on you, he raped you, emotionally and psychologically. and the effect it had is the same as if he had actually crossed your physical boundaries. and your experience must not be categorized as 'not on par' with others' who may have experienced greater levels of victimization. the results are still the same in that exposure to the events traumatized that young boy you were at the time.

as you say, you have been changed because of the encounter you were tricked into witnessing. your life would have gone in a totally different direction had this event not occurred in the first place.

and it would not have occurred had this person not lured you into their web of deceit. you would have been free of its effects.

at least you are willing and able to concede the damages done to you. you are in a good position emotionally and psychologically to recover what this experience has taken from you.

as you continue to work on things, please don't give up hope that recovery is possible, and please know that you are not alone as you do the work necessary to get back that which was stolen.

warm regards,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#327852 - 04/09/10 04:38 PM Re: Unsure [Re: Sans Logos]
scubagar Offline


Registered: 03/27/10
Posts: 23
pkincrisi, I understand how you're feeling, not that I my experience was the same as yours, but that I spent many years dismissing the impact of what had happened. In my case, it was another child (girl) who was slightly older than me. I've grown up with many of the by-products of abuse, but never really tied the two things together until just the last couple of years. And, it's only now that I've had the will to actually start talking about it.

Whether or not contact was involved, you were put in a sexual situation before you were emotionally or mentally ready to handle it.


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#327859 - 04/09/10 06:20 PM Re: Unsure [Re: scubagar]
WalkTheWalk Offline


Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 57
Loc: Wisconsin
pkincrisi

I have a belief that we already know the answers to our questions within ourselves. The problem is that we don't always know how to draw the answers out.

Imagine going to the library to research a topic and once inside you don't have a clue where to go to find the information. One can only find information in a library if they know how to use library reference tools. In this case, you know the answer to your research topic is within the walls of the library, but you don't know where to go to find it.

In the same way, somewhere in your inner being, you know if you were abused or not and you are searching to verify what you already know and you might want to learn how cope with whatever your answer is.

Just like a library, MS has a multitude of survivor stories and experiences to drawn from. You will relate to some and not so much to others. What sometimes happens to me here at MS, is that someone will say something that jars an emotion or memory loose, which allows me to know where to go within myself to find answers (or clues). Consider your friends on MS the index cards into your body and pull your answers off the dusty shelves in the library of pkincrisi.

All this to say... You found MS for a reason. You asked your question for a reason. You have a memory that haunts your for a reason.

We don't keep score at MS. We are here to help in a respectful and loving way. Use your MS index cards to source your answers, but bear in mind that some answers lead to new questions.


Good luck, my friend.

_________________________
- The pain of our past can have influence in molding a better person than we might have been otherwise.

- Sometimes boys with a thousand nightmares become men with a million blessings.

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#327864 - 04/09/10 07:24 PM Re: Unsure [Re: WalkTheWalk]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
I have been thinking about my post all day long at work. Throughout the day, I realized what I was doing. I was trying to convince myself that because what happened to me wasn't as bad what others experienced, that it didn't matter as much. But then it hit me. I wasn't wanting to deal with what happened. I was trying to push it down. The trauma I suffered was real and did impact me. Those events changed me forever.

When I read what others wrote, it reinforced all of that. I needed to hear it from others. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for your comments. They show me that I am not alone in the journey and that this is a safe place.

Thank you for walking this journey with me.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#327891 - 04/10/10 12:00 AM Re: Unsure [Re: pkincrisi]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Being unsure about whether what happened to us constituted abuse is such a common theme, I think because we were conditoned from a young age to accept it as normal, ironically enough by our abusers. In my case the majority of the acts involved receiving oral sex so in the past I often asked myself what is there to complain about that? Nowadays though I am able to realize that focusing on the sexual acts themselves isn't as central to addressing the abuse of other things, such as power and trust. JS



Edited by jls (04/10/10 12:03 AM)
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#327923 - 04/10/10 10:24 AM Re: Unsure [Re: jls]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
IIt seems that so many people who come onto this site, ---- definitely including myself, begin with not feeling sure whether what happend was abuse.

Myself, I experienced several incidents similar to yours, with other kids (of both gendas but mostly girls), pulling down my trousers in public etc.

As Ron said, this is an absolute violation and it does have a huge affect on the rest of life, ---- particularly in relationships, in fact I personally now come to wonder how I ever thought what I went through was "normal"

Recognizing what happened is the first step towards dealing with this stuff, ---- and ms is a really good place to do it.

I really hope you find as much support here as I have, and can make it through dealing with what happened to you.

Luke.


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#327928 - 04/10/10 11:16 AM Re: Unsure [Re: dark empathy]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
jls, your comments about power and trust really hit me. I'm beginning to understand the power that was taken away from me and the trust that was broken. From that point on, I really started to pull away from guys. It didn't help that I was really skinny and unathletic. I couldn't seem to find common ground with the guys in my high school. I spent more time hanging out with girls in school because it made me feel safer somehow.

I must admit that I do not trust men. There have been a few men in my adult life that I had looked up to and tried to form a relationship with. I didn't tell them about what happened to me because deep down I just didn't feel that it was safe. I'm glad that I didn't because they ended up betraying me. They used fear and intimidation and I let them.

One of my recovery goals is to take back that power. I want to be able to find healing so that I can know that I can have friendships with people that I can trust. But I also know that will take time. I can't just jump into anything.

I can't tell you how thankful I am for MS. Reading some of the stories has been really hard. But I've decided that the more I read and respond, the more I can heal and build trust.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#327961 - 04/10/10 04:00 PM Re: Unsure [Re: pkincrisi]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
I was very much like you Pkincrisi, I belived deep down that i was not abused, i assumed that i just started haveing sex at an early age, in the gay comunity it's sad but happens. But the more i thought about it, the more i started to realize how abuseive it was. I didn't agree to give him a blow job, he punched me in my ribbs till i gave in. I didn't decied to go in to his shed,I ran way as fast as i could from it. I didn't know what he'd of done to me, Or what it was gonna be like. But after what felt like 30 mins of being force and betrayed and hurt, I didn't want to know. I'm sure all of you hear that read that see it's a clear cut caes of RAPE and molestation. But in my mind i convinced my elf that OTHERS get molested, others get raped, but no it was me. If it happend to me, it can happen to aany one at at any age or sexuality.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

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#327969 - 04/10/10 06:18 PM Re: Unsure [Re: Aberrant30]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Tom, thanks for sharing your experience with me. I'm beginning to see that no matter what kind of sexual abuse happened the pain is just a real. I have to acknowledge my pain because it was I experienced. I spent years focusing on others because I didn't want to deal with my abuse. I think that I'm putting those days behind.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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