i hate fathers. i hate everything about them, i have never known anything good about a father. so it is so hard to be one, such as I am. i mean, how can i be good at being something i hate. my son never called me 'dad', he called me benny. he lives with another family now, which makes me happy a bit, because i know he is being loved the way he should be.
I want to know what a real dad would be like. I have decided that i never really had a dad, i mean obviously i had a guy who was my father. but not a dad. i just wanted to do good by my son, and sometimes it was so hard to put him ahead of my stuff, when all this shit seems so all-emcompassing. but i tried. i guess.
i guess what it comes down to is that i so struggle with the idea of love. i mean, sometimes i feel like i am not a person, because people know how to love. i want to love my kids, but when i say 'i love you' i feel like some sort of pervert. i dont really understand how to love them right. i want my kids to feel loved, and wanted and needed and all that, but how do you do it? i know how I felt when i was a kid, and sex was what made me feel that way. so how do i make my kids feel those things in a way that is good and something a real dad would do and in a way that will make them grow up right? I dont know.
and isnt that scary?
Sometimes i feel like my heart is breaking. i get so down on myself, and tell myself how shitty i am. its like i can hear my dad in my head, and i am telling myself the same things he told me. but thats how i feel. sometimes i just feel like nothing. and i still feel so weak and powerless, like man, i got out, i was in foster care, i could have told ANYONE and i was safe, but i didn't and i went back to them. and it makes me feel guilty and responsible for what happened to me when i hear about other people getting out or telling someone or whatever, i feel like, well i deserved what i got because i wasnt as strong as them.
sometimes i dont even know what im talking about. ok, most of the time.
it pisses me off that i have to do this kinda thing to get better. it should be him having to deal with this, its not right that people can just screw a kid up so bad and then just take off and leave them to pick up whatever pieces they decided to leave behind. its not right.
Everything you want is on the other side of fear.