i hate fathers. i hate everything about them, i have never known anything good about a father. so it is so hard to be one, such as I am. i mean, how can i be good at being something i hate. my son never called me 'dad', he called me benny. he lives with another family now, which makes me happy a bit, because i know he is being loved the way he should be.
I want to know what a real dad would be like. I have decided that i never really had a dad, i mean obviously i had a guy who was my father. but not a dad. i just wanted to do good by my son, and sometimes it was so hard to put him ahead of my stuff, when all this shit seems so all-emcompassing. but i tried. i guess.
i guess what it comes down to is that i so struggle with the idea of love. i mean, sometimes i feel like i am not a person, because people know how to love. i want to love my kids, but when i say 'i love you' i feel like some sort of pervert. i dont really understand how to love them right. i want my kids to feel loved, and wanted and needed and all that, but how do you do it? i know how I felt when i was a kid, and sex was what made me feel that way. so how do i make my kids feel those things in a way that is good and something a real dad would do and in a way that will make them grow up right? I dont know.
and isnt that scary?
Sometimes i feel like my heart is breaking. i get so down on myself, and tell myself how shitty i am. its like i can hear my dad in my head, and i am telling myself the same things he told me. but thats how i feel. sometimes i just feel like nothing. and i still feel so weak and powerless, like man, i got out, i was in foster care, i could have told ANYONE and i was safe, but i didn't and i went back to them. and it makes me feel guilty and responsible for what happened to me when i hear about other people getting out or telling someone or whatever, i feel like, well i deserved what i got because i wasnt as strong as them.
sometimes i dont even know what im talking about. ok, most of the time.
it pisses me off that i have to do this kinda thing to get better. it should be him having to deal with this, its not right that people can just screw a kid up so bad and then just take off and leave them to pick up whatever pieces they decided to leave behind. its not right.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.