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#32753 - 05/30/02 09:17 PM My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
MJH100 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 2
Loc: UK
Came across the site a few months ago and have been watching from the background. However I have been feeling something these last few weeks and I want to know the thoughts of others and maybe if anyone else has been through anything else similar.

I was abused for a period of approximately 3 years, truth be told I can’t remember the exact length of time it happened over but I have managed to work out it was probably happened from when I was 8 till 11 years old. I have recently been suffering from feelings I have never really felt before I can’t help but try and relate them to the abuse I suffered.

I have just finished my exams in my final year at university. During the run up to the subsequent partying I have realised one thing. I have a good friend whom I have realised that have strong sexual feelings toward. However, what do I do with these feelings. It is driving me crazy seeing this girl every day knowing how I feel, wishing I could tell her, but there is something inside me telling me not to. This type of behaviour I think is in no way related to my abuse, but what this makes me think is that I never more that very briefly kissed a girl in my 22 years on this earth, is my lack of confidence with girls the result of the abuse that I suffered or do I simply use it as an excuse and hide behind it? I want nothing more that to tell this girl how I feel, and maybe she feels the same way too, I dunno. Unless I do something I will never know, and for that I may punish myself eternally. What perhaps scares me the most is that if she or any other girl were to take an interest in me sexually that I would be an absolute mess, I should have learned how to kiss girls and fool around years ago, not at the age of 22. Which in turn leads to a viscous circle, the older I get the more I get scared of trying to tackle the problem. I find myself saying “If only they knew about my abuse, maybe they would understand”, but I still have never told anyone of my abuse. Am I hiding behind my abuse and just using it as an excuse for my misgivings? Is my abuse not relevant at all, and maybe I should just suck my gut in and get tackle the issues head on and get out there and try to meet girls? Has anyone else been through anything similar, I feel like I would have to explain myself before I could enter into a physical relationship, or indeed just even have sex or kiss another person? Again, is this me blaming my abuse or is it caused by my abuse? Am I just scared? Any thoughts anyone?


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#32754 - 05/30/02 09:39 PM Re: My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi MJH100. I was your age during the mid to late 1960s. And going thru the same thing. Because of what my mother had done to me I went clear thru high school never touching or even speaking to a girl. A few years later,still virgin,I sought out a crowd of losers in the San Fernando Valley. Druggies,junkies,needle freaks,mother rapers,father rapers. One of these guys had gotten burned for drugs,banged the barrel of his shotgun again a door. Blew the guy's head off behind the door. A "girl" who hanged with this group appealed to me. She was fucking everyone in the group but me. After a year associating with her,one day I told her "I've known you a year and I still hav'nt kissed you". She replied "Yeah like that's a fuckin mystery". I'm 56 years old now and worth a half million dollars or so. That skanky bitch is either dead or an old hag now. I would'nt condescend to let her suck my dick. Fuck the bitch and piss on her mother's grave. I advise you to go rent "In Dark Places" and buy some Joy Jell. "Close My Eyes" is a good movie,too. Hav'nt seen "Cement Garden" but I'm looking forward to doing so.


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#32755 - 05/30/02 10:09 PM Re: My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 989
Loc: Bradenton, FL
MJH100,

I did not remember my abuse until I was 40, but I went through high without a single date until time for the prom. I asked a girl out because I thought I "should" go to the prom. The good night kiss was very hard because I had no idea what to do. worried about it all night.

The first and only woman I have ever had any physical relationship with is my wife of 22 years. Sex still isn't easy for me, but love does make a huge difference. You do not need to prove yourself to anyone. When the right person is there for you, you can deal with these issues with her. You are a person worthy of being loved and am to love, not a performer in a XXX film.

Try not to let anxiety over your virginity rob you of the precious gift this can be to your future wife. I have no one to compare my wife to when we make love and that can be a wonderful thing.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#32756 - 05/30/02 10:58 PM Re: My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
goflyakiteV Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/01
Posts: 66
Loc: n.a.
MJH1000.......HI, I'M SCOT////YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM. FIRST, I WOULD NOT TELL THIS YOUNG LADY, NOT UNTIL YOU REALLY GET TO KNOW HER. YOU COULD SCARE HER WITH THIS. SECOND, WHY WORRY ABOUT NOT BEING " UP ON SEX".? WHY WORRY ABOUT THAT IS SUPPOSE TO BE "NATURAL"? WHY CAN'T WE BE NIEVE? WHY CAN'T YOU ?

IF YOU TELL "PEOPLE", THEY MIGHT MAKE FUN OF YOU, IF THEY REALLY DON'T KNOW YOU. GIVE THIS NEW LOVE A CHANCE. WHY RUSH? IS SHE PUSHING YOU TOWARD ROMANCE? IS THIS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP OR IS IT A FLING FOR HER?

THINK ABOUT IT. LOVE DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN, THATS JUST IN THE MOVIES.

GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND......SCOT

PS....THIS IS A GREAT SITE FOR YOU TO TALK AND GET INFO!


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#32757 - 05/30/02 11:52 PM Re: My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
Anonymous
Unregistered


I was contacted several days ago by someone researching my 1964 high school yearbook. He could'nt find a photo of me in the yearbook. That's because there is'nt one. I was 18 years old and did'nt participate in the festivities. No yearbook photos,no prom night. The graduation certificate was mailed to my parents' house. Cold,dry,distant,fuck you and goodbye.


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#32758 - 05/31/02 12:39 PM Re: My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dear MJH100:

Kenf's advice sounds pretty solid to me. I was abused and incested as a boy and have a very hard struggle with intimacy to this day. According to my reading it is common for abuse survivors to have a hard time trusting and being intimate.

I am almost 40 and I continue to struggle with closeness. I recommend therapy to you if you have not tried it. If you can find a good therapist/counselor that you can open up to, he/she can help you understand your struggles and help you grow as a living, feeling being. Stay positive and know that you are just as good as anyone else! \:\)

rafael


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#32759 - 05/31/02 04:22 PM Re: My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
MJH100
You've done the hardest thing, you've told someone. OK it's "only" sharing your thoughts and fears with us guys on a remote web site, and I don't say that to minimise what you've done at all, far from it.
It was probably the hardest thing you've ever done.
Don't get too hung up on your lack of confidence with the girls, I'm 48, been married for 27 years and STILL lack confidence with my wife. Once you begin to see things as they really are, that it was NOT your fault, whatever happened, I'm sure your confidence will grow.
You're extremely lucky to have started to confront your past while still young enough to avoid many of the problems that almost inevitably surface if left to middle age and beyond. I was 45 before I told anyone, even my wife, and by that time I was seriously fucked up. Do it now and do it right.
And be prepared for a few tears and the sort of work that will make your Degree seem easy !!
The advice I would give you is the same as the rest, get a therapist. If you can search out one that is dedicated to sex abuse problems, don't bother with a general therapist. My guess is that most SA therapists have our experiences themselves, and they know what's going on.
If you have trouble finding one near you try a Rape Crisis Centre, most now deal with men as well. If you can't find one send me an email via this site and I can probably find one in the UK, I now work at the one that helped me and have a lot of contacts.
I hope your results are all you hope for and the future can only get better.
Lloydy

\:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#32760 - 05/31/02 10:07 PM Re: My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
MJH100,

I can only agree with what the other guys have said, your posting in this forum is a good first step, but talking to a good therapist who's dealt with adult male survivors of childhood SA is the next step. I'm encouraged that you're dealing with this issue now at an early age. I waited 38 years 'til I was 50 to tell anyone about it and I did a lot of foolish, risky things in the meantime. I didn't even tell my wife until after I'd been seeing the therapist for a few months. Hell, I didn't even tell her that I'd been seeing a therapist. We'd been married about 28 years at that time and she's the first and only woman that I've ever loved, physically or emotionally. It seems to be a common thread here, the fear of intimacy, the fear of having no prior experience, really I guess it's a fear of failure. When trust is broken, childhood is stolen and we've believed that it's all our fault, it's very difficult to have any sort of confidence in relationships. I'm very fortunate to have met and married my wife. She's put up with an awful lot from me but we've worked through it and I think we've gotten stronger for it.

Take care,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#32761 - 05/31/02 10:51 PM Re: My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
Anonymous
Unregistered


You've restored my faith in humanity,Stephen_5. And maybe this website. So you're out there in Chico. Still farmland out there? Is it near Chino?


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#32762 - 05/31/02 11:37 PM Re: My rant, wondering if anyone else been through this?
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Tinfoil,

Thank you. Yeah, it's Chico, north of Sacramento, home of rice, almonds (they pronounce it ammens), walnuts and Chico State University. How's life on the Baja beach? Fish tacos and some ice cold cervesa, mmm good.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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