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#327326 - 04/04/10 09:39 AM Season of Change
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
April’s false summer sun
Spring flowers bud and bloom
Neither in their proper time
Late frost, flower’s doom


Befriending men, deceptive intent
Contrived trust friendship feigned
Young man turns of age
Emotions caged, innocence stained


Seasons change over time
Nearer to death now than to birth
Long ago pain, yielding to joy
Late in life, regaining worth


Springtime’s warmth, gentle rain
New life has begun
Wilted petals tumble free
Blossoms bloom spread for sun




Edited by earlybird (04/14/10 01:59 PM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#328104 - 04/12/10 03:46 PM Re: Season of Change [Re: earlybird]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
I was just reading "Is this how I'm to die?" and I see a connection here between a sense in that poem that there are more days behind than ahead and time is running out, and this line - "Nearer to death now than to birth".

I tried using seasons to stand for ages of our lives in a haiku in a way that feels similar to this.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#328159 - 04/13/10 01:40 AM Re: Season of Change [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
kaine Offline


Registered: 10/29/09
Posts: 20
I really like the redemptive tone in your work. I would say don't feel tied to rhyme, use the poetry to express what you want it to. If it rhymes at the end of it, great, if it doesn't it's still poetry.

On the fourth line of the second verse, have you considered saying "emotions" instead of "emotionally"? Emotions are literal things after all, all too often, and can be caged. It emphasises the physicality, the reality of it.

Again, I love how your work takes the reader forward with you. We see beauty coming from the other side of pain, given time.


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#328288 - 04/13/10 09:25 PM Re: Season of Change [Re: kaine]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Kaine,

Your suggestion is very appreciated. I really liked the change of Emotionally to emotions. It's a better de>
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#328326 - 04/14/10 07:09 AM Re: Season of Change [Re: earlybird]
kaine Offline


Registered: 10/29/09
Posts: 20
I'm good with words. Not much else, but good with words.


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#328374 - 04/14/10 01:57 PM Re: Season of Change [Re: kaine]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
I think not, kaine. You have offered more to me than a change of a word. It took a heart that cared, that is what I see. And if you were to read this poem again, it is no longer only mine alone. You are a piece of it. Thank-you Earl



Edited by earlybird (04/14/10 01:57 PM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top


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