There's a duality resultant from childhood sexual molestation. The kid becomes extremely sensitive to perceived threat. The phenomenon is defined as 'hypervigilance'. This makes the kid both weak and strong. You get slapped around for awhile,you get damn tough. Throwing hissyfits,crying,begging for mercy does'nt do any good. The abuse continues. So you get tough and smart real fast. Let's hope so,anyway. Normal kids,kids that don't go thru the molestation thing react violently when some other kid says "Fuck your mother". There's a fight,bleeding,etc. It's my bet though that kids who've been thru molestation quickly understand that wordages are used by the populace-at-large as a manipulative technique
and these kids don't react to the usual insultive wordages. Knowing that the words are intended to elicit response the child-victim does'nt respond. The hurtfull words pass thru him/her as though a tenuous mist without touching. Much like Judo,the attack meets no resistence. No harm has occurred.

Tinfoil
Here's a weird thing that I haven't heard anyone else experience, and neither has my therapist. And it might just be a part of hypervigilance, don't know though ?
Frequently when I'm standing talking to someone- anyone, young old, friend stranger, doesn't matter - I get this ultra sudden flash that they are going to hit me, they don't obviously. But I get this vivid split second vision of the persons fist smashing into my face real hard, like they mean it !
I have even ducked, much to the astonishment of the other person. I feign cramp or something.
But I feel that it is something deep rooted within me that goes back to my abuse and the violence I suffered then, maybe it's just the inflection of a certain word, or a facial expression that triggers it, I don't know.
Very occasionally I have drawn back ready to get one in quick, thankfully I haven't retaliated yet, but it's a bugger acting out cramp in my arm and fist !!
Lloydy

Hi Lloydy. Geez. I've had that for SOO long. Always when I'm confronted with a hierarchal
figure. He's in my face,I'm being properly acquiscent. And I'm thinking "If I hold my Colt Officers Model .45 just so I can put a Hydrashock just under the lip of his chin".
We don't follow thru of course. Well,sometimes. But usually not so.
Oh,there's this guy on 'Star Trek the Next Generation' that reminds me so much of me. Name's Broccoli I think.

You mean Lt. Reginald Barclay, the holodeck addict???

Ummmmm, I mean, I've heard that there's a guy on that show...

I've only seen it a couple times... Seemed like it was ok...

Uhhhh, gotta go!

J

Early Star Treck with the cardboard sets was just sooo good.
And they never threatened to hit me either.
Lloydy


[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: Lloydy ]

Hi Lloydy. Dad and I watched every episode during the 60s. It was the only thing we ever did together. Each episode was about Cap'n Kirk & crew coming upon yet another "Planet of.." Planet after planet of wierdo jerkoffs. I conceptualized they came to the Planet of Incest,had to accept it. Different culture you know. On that planet I'd be normal.

I sometimes feel like I'm on my own planet...
Lloydy

That's an idea, my own planet, where I'm the normal guy and everyone else is screwed up. Sounds good to me.

Steve

In my mind I put Captain Kirk & crew on the Planet of Chihuahua Screwers. This was before Star Trek was really,really popular so he had to shut up and take it.

sometimes i flich when people make sudden moves or i hear a loud sudden noise. I always used to insist i had never been physically abused, but now im not so sure. If i reacted like that when shit happens, maybe i wa getting smacked around. Maybe i believed somebody else told me i had hurt myself, because i remember i would fall down a lot and injure myself. maybe they told me that so much i believed it.. my flashbacks suck becau its so slow, and i have such bad feelings and my body hurts, i just wanna remember damnitm what do i have to do to go though this memory, i am ready to fight, im ready to see all the darkness
im readly to see the world and its beughty, ay aont it come for me. I want who i am to be something beiughtifull. I want the darkness inside me to transform, because i dont sant to b sourounded by evil inside and out, all the timr.