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#327247 - 04/03/10 01:09 PM . [Re: Charlie24]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 09:55 PM)

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#327264 - 04/03/10 03:27 PM Re: ANGER!! [Re: bardo213]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I'm starting to see new things that show me that I have been affected by that abuse in ways that have never occured to me before. Levels.
The anger, the way I react to things that upsets others who cannot imagine what I see as being a real possibility and those who object because I have thwarted their plans of manipulating freely.
The way I simply accept things in daily life or what people say no matter what it is. That boundary is clear to me, you say it its yours not mine, yet so many attribute to me the implications and responsibilities of what they say.
Apparently my comfort with allowing others to be themselves isn't what others see. They appear to me now to have been thinking I was fucked up because I am comfortable talking about anything w/o applying prejudice. The way I use what others say and how they think to adapt to that persons world so I can teach them how to be better isn't seen for what it is. No one seems to pay attention to actions. It has become a world of judging by the cover as if that were somehow right.
I am a chameleon and most often have adapted to rough and deviant people probably mainly because of the abuse and my discomfort with normals also from the abuse, but mainly to befriend them so I could point the direction home as it were. Everyone can be rehabilitated is the impetus that sent me down this path as a result of the abuse in fact I adopted it during the abuse. Yes I was that kind of kid, not unlike whats his face's character in Pay it Forward. That too was probably my reaction to the abuse. I am recalling this for the first time. I think I even argued that I could help pedo's. Kids are nothing if not idealistic.
I realize now no one who knows me would give me credit for this because unlike me they were attributing prejudice's, pre-adopted definitions, bigottry, and attitudes to the words I spoke instead of listening to them and thinking. I think I'm refering to those looking in not my intended interlocutor. Though they have also misunderstood me.

It really is true, people are stupid bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.
The rare few I have met who give the benefit of the doubt first and hav proper boundaries are in a small enclave in Wa. state and a few folks in NJ. NJ is where I learned to be this way.
It used to be part of American culture to be this way now we seem to have been dragged down into third world culture of uneducated superstitious people who can be whipped up into a violent frenzy by a few words spoken in the name of one of those superstitions. These were the things people came to America to get away from.

AAAAHAHHHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! big sigh. and scene :-]

The impotence of anger is almost as painful and damaging as bieng abused.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#327288 - 04/03/10 10:33 PM Re: ANGER!! [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Another ramble if you please.

I just noticed I'm feeling like I did something wromg and I've been avoiding the feeliong so I was a bit frantic. Then I stopped a minute ago to think. I had put water on to boil and forgot it. This wasn't the first time. I caught the pot when it was cherry red and got it off the burner. That is when it started.
I forget things, I have all my life. It seems pots on the stove is a theme I was woken up by the fire dept on the front lawn when I was twenty something for the same thing it went a lot further but not quite flames. The whole p[lace was filled with black smoke.
It happens with other things. I've got macaroni on the stove right now and I am in here writing.
I thought to myself Why am I feeling like I've done something wrong? and it comes to me that I was of course yelled at for the fire dept thing, it was my old mans place and he had to pay to paint it and move out. But all my life I've just forgotten things like that and I've always been treated like I was stupid or willful for it. Like I was responsible for forgetting because i was a slacker.
I have always hidden that I couldn't control it because no one ever believed me. It is THE reasonthat I have not ever reached my potential or been able to learn how to deal with people. It has limited my whole life.
Now it comes to me that this problem is an after effect of all the ECT's. Those fucking scum destrroyed my life and I can't get away from it because the fucking side effect is incurable! WHo's gonna fix my brain so that I can remember normally? It just fucking shorts out whwenever it wants to for no apparent reason.

I am so fucking pissed!




Edited by kidneythis (04/03/10 10:43 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#327567 - 04/06/10 08:09 PM Re: ANGER!! [Re: kidneythis]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I've been feeling pretty good all day. Surfing the web looking for info on my old StarTAC 7797. Stuff like does it have a SIM card? How do I open the case w/o breaking it? It seems I'll have to pay or find someone who remembers how its done.
Anyway I stopped and left the room for a minute to go to the bathroom and when I came back I found myself angry and I don't know why.
I've read my posts above and I had a nice PM on here and its subsided somewhat. In fact it now has a decided resentment quality to it.
I was ruminating earlier and had the realization that the whole problem with getting what I wanted done on my home/retirement investment when I had more than enough money for it in cash was an organized effort. I'll not go into it but that really eats me and I feel I am owed compensation for my losses. One scumbag had me order thousands in custom materiels one from his buddy who overcharged me 200%+ from what I've found since, then a week later he begged off the project on the day he was to start because his "partner got drunk last night"? I couldn't get ahold of him after that. That's business partner.
I hate this place and everyone in it. Smiling faces sometimes... They are all scum not one of them approaches me that I don't have the definite impression I am expected to respond in one way and one way only. They have this whole I've done so much for you (me) attitude about them which comes from the way they work themselves up into that approach. Like they're doing me a favor. How the fuck is a stranger doing me a favor when they don't know me? And if they are how to they expect anything from me?
It feels like I'm dealing with East Indians direct from the subcontinent. The irrational certainty, the confused dissociation of thought and reality, and the pain from this which is deliberately inflicted on the poor people of India by the millenia old system of religions, customs, and misinformation, as a way to keep them ignorant and easily manipulable.
How do you deal with a crazy person who cannot or will not relate to reality?

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#328041 - 04/11/10 05:32 PM Re: ANGER!! [Re: kidneythis]
hurtandfoolish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 13
Thanks for your posts, I can relate to them very much! I found it fascinating you mentioned India since I was there last month. It was kind of self healing being that i am mixed with Indian but also because this was just after all the recollection of the past was spewing into my mind!


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#328052 - 04/11/10 08:09 PM Re: ANGER!! [Re: hurtandfoolish]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I'm glad that happened for you. A friend of mine just came back and proposed to his fiance. I hope to go there someday myself. I am intersted in the trip up to the source of the Ganges that another friend of mine took.

For reference my abuse was partly directed by an indian man who taught the abusers themselves abouit the dalits and how they are kept down from birth with manipulation and abuse. They used a modified Ghotna torture on me, theytwisted my body into painful poses then made me stayt that way day after day monsth on end. They did a whole host of things which I am certain are part of the less admirable heritage of the subcontinent as well as come up with their own ideas for things to do to me.

The worst part was he taught them about how isoaltion damages the brain. He too was doing it because I am white.
I'm not racist but I've known many Indians and most of them have those qualities of willful ignorance backed by that incongruous certainty that one would think might become clear was wrong at almost any point in life but somehow doesn't. Not unlike crakers, overly religious people, and any other number of closed mindedpeople who think they have all the truth there is.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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