after being triggered pretty badly (by a song, of all things), i fell off this whole recovery wagon. hard. ran headlong into everything i have been working so hard to stay away from. right back to everything that I know and that is comforting and that is really (really) bad for me. for some reason, lucky? maybe, i am still here, trying to pick myself back up, and its really difficult. i want to be better but at the same time i know that i dont. i want to stay here in this dark place because... i dont know... i guess its familliar anyways. i know how to do this. but at the same time i am starting to dream of being better. feeling what it might feel like to shed the pain. dont know how. keep going back to it.
i need to pick myself back up. but how? just for today, or whatever, im at least gonna try. i think.

Benny,

I just went back and read your story and some of your past post. You are the champion of all champion survivors!! I could feel your pain and your soul being damaged as I read. I cried. I prayed for you. You deserve a miracle in your life...ask your higher power for one. You are Powerful!

Much love and respect, Ted

I haven't read your story but know what you mean when you say when you don't know if you want to change. I feel that way alot. After deal with and hiding it for 40 years it seem the norm for me. Easier to stay where I am then make so many changes now. Hope you day gets better.