after being triggered pretty badly (by a song, of all things), i fell off this whole recovery wagon. hard. ran headlong into everything i have been working so hard to stay away from. right back to everything that I know and that is comforting and that is really (really) bad for me. for some reason, lucky? maybe, i am still here, trying to pick myself back up, and its really difficult. i want to be better but at the same time i know that i dont. i want to stay here in this dark place because... i dont know... i guess its familliar anyways. i know how to do this. but at the same time i am starting to dream of being better. feeling what it might feel like to shed the pain. dont know how. keep going back to it.
i need to pick myself back up. but how? just for today, or whatever, im at least gonna try. i think.