Came home from work tonight with nothing to do but be alone. This is something I am not good at, not at all. I seldom do this. Been probably 4 or 5 weeks since I've really came straight home knowing that I will have hours to kill before bedtime. I have problems with staying away from porn sites when I have time to spare. I have been keeping my laptop at work so I wouldn't give in to those desires. But now that I have found MS I need it home. My T said if I give in one more time I should take it back to work. I have also been a compulsive masturbator all my life and he wants me to try and control that also. Having a hard time with all these changes and dealing with opening up my secret that I have held so long.

I get some many thoughts going when I'm alone. Seems as if its worse as I get older. Didn't think that all this stuff I have held so private was really this bad til I told. Now I wonder at times should I have ever told at all.

Really wish I could find a group of men that deal with the same things to sit and talk with. Nothing like that here in my area. Don't know if there's one in Alabama at all.

Wonder what its like to me normal!

I've felt that way a lot since I told. I've felt penalized for it even. I still don't regret it I know now that this abuse was my problem.
I just signed in hoping to find something to distract me or talk about because I was feeling that feeling of deep deep sadness coming on as I once again feel my age and see how short the time I have left is. I wonder if I will ever get well enough to live in peace, if I will ever get justice.

I used to use porn to distract me, sometimes for weeks on end then I'd break for months. It had no pattern really. I don't know what compulsive means I assume there is a number of times that is ok then its not? IDK. I wouldn't worry too much unless its making you avoid things you should be doing or you are injuring yourself somehow. I'd try to follow the T recs as I don't know your personal convo with the T but it seems harmless to me.

I watch tv, read papers online and use hulu and other sites to keep myself distracted. Its not great but until I find help it'll have to do.

Know what you mean about time gettin by. I get upset thinking about how much of my life I wasted letting this control me.

Well I made it through that. Its 9am saturday. I have a buddy coming tonight to go out to eat and just hang together. Its a pretty day so I won't have to stay indoors. I am alright along if I don't have to just sit inside and let my mind wonder. Hope everyone has a great Saturday.

Hey wayne,

thanks for posting-

For me, compulsive sexual acting out kept me in a shame cycle that started years ago with csa. I still can't do porn or even M without reigniting those feels of dissociation, isolation, self-loathing and hopelessness.

That kind of stuff also kept me from growing, from centering myself, and from feeling my feelings, which is the only way through to higher ground for me. Escaping doesn't work.

I have, however, found healthy sexuality AFTER I found ways to share my life story and all my secrets with brothers who had the same issues, and putting a moratorium on behavior that was unhealthy. I don't know if you have a community of brothers who can provide this safety and accountability. I found it in a 12-step program, SAA. they have online meetings and telephone meetings to, if there are no meetings in your part of the state.

Here is a link: http://saa-recovery.org/Meetings/UnitedStates/


(I can relate to not having the computer/laptop at home-it's been a number of years, but I faced that issue too and have built a better life for me. Congrats on some healthy reaching out and friendship-seeking.

have a super weekend.

It's tough, no doubt. I too had the exact same experiences when I let the cat out of the bag. I let porn control me every minute that I had alone. I too had to resort to leaving my laptop at the office and even traded in my iPhone for a phone without internet service. It was horrible! I have been taking slow steps to winning the battle and am getting better each day. I am like you, alone time is incredibly tough. One of the things that I do, and even have my wife help me with, is to make a list of things that need to be done during the day I know I am going to be alone. Having a list of things to do for a specific time frame occupies your head. Make an aggressive list of things to do that you have to work your butt off to get done. I make a point of making a list that has nothing to do with the computer, since that is an enticement when I'm alone. It works, it really does, but you have to commit to the list. I share the list with my wife and when I've finished it, my reward is her praise and astonishment that I finished everything.

I pray that you too will begin the path of overcoming this demon.