Good evening

I never thought I would be on a site like this or that I would ever speak of these things. I had three different abusers when growing up but only recalled a couple of them a few weeks ago. Around 8 or 9 the babysitters oldest son use to fondle and sodomize me also he had his younger brother perform oral acts on him! I can't remember alot of details but know it happened at least a few times. But what I find unusual is this wasn't triggered until i was confronted for cheating on my gf. She is the only one that knows about my past. Are triggers possible from being confronted for my wrong doing on my gf? Needless to say she thinks its a cop out because the triggers come out when I did something horrible to her. I also remember being invited over to a mans house to watch porn. This wasn't as bad he would just hug me from behind and rub his penis on my backside. The was from a older kid that invited me over to his house. In his barn he pushed me up against a wall and pulled my pants down and pushed his penis into me violently. Even though all these things scarred me to a degree what bothers me is my path of destructive behaviour in relationships. Is it normal to not trust any of my gf's from the past to present? I always think they will cheat on me, hence I always strive to be the best lover they've ever had which they usually like. But I still never trust them. I just now fully trust my present gf. I also remember around that age being overweight and eating alot. I was picked on alot as a child till about 12 then a little bit after that until 16. Sorry my thoughts are eratic and all over the place.
i was also rejected from girls alot until around 16. I was shy and introverted until about 12. My father was verbally abusive and drank alot also. I developed alot of anger by the time i was 15 i started to lift weights and became aggressive. Also my father was east Indian and i grew up in a redneck place and there was alot of racism. I ended up making friends with the few blacks in the area. I always felt they accepted me more. Anyways by 16 i found myself in trouble with police quite a bit and alot of street fights and womanizing. I was no longer shy and became very alpha male. Even now at 33 I still workout alot and box and do brazilian jui jitsu. It seems like those are the only things that calm me. I had one really long relationship for 8yrs. I found myself cheating alot though. Even though she was very mean and controlling to me i feel ashamed that i did those things!!
Ive presently been in a relationship for nearly 3yrs and love the woman very very much!!! But up to a year ago i was doing stupid things like surfing on dating websites and sex sites? i would even plan on meeting the women but never followed through. Have any of you done this destructive behaviour. I haven't told my psychologist alot of these things yet she pegs alot on me having ADD. My gf confronted me about the online stuff and it triggered the barn incident and the porn at that mans house. She thinks its a cop out cause it does appear that way. Has anyone else experienced these things? Any advice

Thanks

Hey hurt,

I could not remain monogamous (faithful)-I always had a secret sex life that was an outlet for deep emotional pain, relief, and had roots that went back a LONG way to my CSA.

For me, I see this unhealthy relationship to secret/one-sided/anonymous (i.e. not romantic, serious, or intimate) sex as an addiction that undermines my recovery and my hopes for a nice life.

I joined a twelve-step program for sex addiction because I was unable to leave this type of behavior alone. Now, eight years later, I have a strong marriage and am a good, loving, and present husband and father.

I still have some trouble focusing (ADD?), trusting, etc.-symptoms of my csa and part of the coping skills I developed early on.

You seem to have a handle on some of your story, I encourage you to take a look at your sexual behavior outside of relationships and ask yourself if you need some help there.

I avoided seeking help for over 10 years, and wonder how much better my life would have been if I would have addressed this back then in my 20s, (but that is water under the bridge).

Congrats on finding MS and posting your stuff here-it's been a great place for me the past several months.