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#308692 - 10/30/09 11:47 PM a disconnected child
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Even before my CSA, I had not bonded with my parents or feel connected to them.

I was a disconnected child.

We did not celebrate birthdays in our family. Even today I could not tell you any birthdays of my brothers, sister or my parents. It’s strange there are no baby pictures of me. The brothers older than me and those younger than me all have baby pictures, but not me. It’s like I was the invisible middle child. I was able to mask these feelings of emptiness with a huge assortment of pets and animals on our farm. I had all kind of pets: chickens, ducks, geese, rabbits, horses, calves, pigeons, turtles, pigs, and a dog.

I am a disconnected adult.

It was people I had a hard time dealing with and relating to in a
healthy way. Even today I find it very hard to relate and connect to my wife on a very personal intimate level. She is always telling me she doesn’t feel loved or appreciated even after 35 years of marriage. I know I isolate myself, my emotions, and my feelings. It is so hard for me to connect to her or anyone else. Perhaps I have kept too many secrets for too many years….anyone else feel disconnected?

Happy Trails, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#308699 - 10/31/09 12:37 AM Re: a disconnected child [Re: Tedure]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Ted ure

We're all disconnected. It goes with the job de>

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#325879 - 03/22/10 12:36 AM Re: a disconnected child [Re: Tedure]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey Ted I just wanna give you a big hug bud.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TED))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I wish I knew what to say or how to say it. I don't. But I'm hear for you and thinking about you.

It's horrible your parents neglected you. What a shame, especially on a great guy like yourself.

It's great your realizing this and willing to share.

Charlie.


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#325880 - 03/22/10 01:20 AM Re: a disconnected child [Re: Charlie24]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Ted,

Being disconnected is something that I can relate to because most of my life I have felt disconnected from others. I am trying to reach out and interact with others but there are those times I feel. Who am I kidding and struggle with the feelings that i will never really connect to others in a signant way. But i keep reaching out and one day will be able to be part of a healthly relationship.
But either way as Allen said it is part of the job de>
_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#325882 - 03/22/10 01:23 AM Re: a disconnected child [Re: michael banks]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Mike you just read my mind. I am always disconnected, even when I'm in class I feel disconnected to my classmates.

Thanks for clarifying this for me bud.

Charlie.

I need to add more to this post. It's just coming to me as we speak.

I hate feeling disconnected around others, just feeling awkward in life. I try to get along in life and people tell me I'm cool but it all just feels so surreal most of the time.

Like I will tell someone and then just wonder why I told them that and then think it over and over to death.

I know I recently disclosed my abused to two more people in my life, people I could trust and then it just all felt so awkward, so fucking weird, just all too strange.

It feels like a move but I can't hit rewind, just only going forward, no stopping just on continous play, never ending.

Really fucking awkward being me. I just want to feel normal, whatever the hell that means or is.

I want to really feel. I don't want to be disconnected, I want to be fucking CONNECTED IN LIFE.

I talk to others about this and you guys understand me but it still feels awkward.

Tired of the fucking awkwardness.

I mean I like you guys, great guys here, but it can times feel like a dream.

Just too much to handle for me.

Charlie.



Edited by Charlie24 (03/22/10 01:33 AM)

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#326087 - 03/24/10 06:55 PM Re: a disconnected child [Re: Charlie24]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
Ted

I can understand why you feel disconnected. I get that way too. Mine is self centeredness. I have to break my natural tendency to isolate and live inside my head. It's really hard to do this when i'm worried about something, and that happens a large percentage of the time.

I have all kinds of outlets though, these days...so i don't have an excuse to remain disconnected. Let me see, i have AA, two different groups, to deal with my alcoholism and a chance to display some spirituality. It makes me feel so good when i connect with someone spiritually at a meeting. For instance, today i was sharing about a great meditation experience i had, and this girl said she liked what i said, made me feel good and connected.

The other group is more about fellowship with guys staying sober. I make it a point to hang out with these guys after the meetings and shoot the shit.

I have a therapist, who specializes in csa, to whom which i hold back nothing this experience has wiped out a lot of my shame, and i needed that done big time. The result of my T sessions has opened me up to more and more people, i don't look down at the ground so much.

I connect with a few of my homeless brothers, always being cautious, respectfull, and interested in how they are doing. There's this pharmacist that volunteers at the homeless garage, he has taken a special interest in me, so i try to keep that relationship going. I connect well with the 20 something generation, there's the 20 something girls of AA also, i love to flirt with them, they know i'm not serious, but to be truthfull i've been blesse with a cute face, so i get a fair share of attention.

And finally here, i really want to feel accepted and connected, this place is very important to me. I've messed up my ability to chat, but i can still connect with you guys through posts. Really, MS is very important to me. I'm actually overcoming the effects of csa with the help of you brothers

Thank you


Gus

_________________________
My Story

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#326091 - 03/24/10 07:56 PM Re: a disconnected child [Re: Gus Bierer]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
Appreciate the Post Ted,
My chilhood mirrored yours, farm background, middle child out of eight, & totally devoted to all my little critters...feeling unable to communicate w/ folks. Still get that paralyzing feelings at times 30 yrs later. Oh and i still have the critters but much reduced numbers. Gonna step out of comfort zone & registered for Sequoia Weekend in April. I wish you well & will let you know how it goes.


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#326094 - 03/24/10 08:12 PM Re: a disconnected child [Re: itrahan]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Hi Ted,
I had always thought my few short flashes of family memory from prior to my being tortured were what normal was.
It turns out now that I'm remembering I was being abused by members of my family. So that normalness now makes more sense since I never assimilated properly in the children's shelter because I was disconnected as you describe being prior to the CSA.
I was left out of a lot of pictures and my grandmother had me stand away far enough so she could cut me out when the group posed.

I don't want you to be paranoid about your family but maybe they felt the same way about you as mine did me. My family kept me infantile too.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#326103 - 03/24/10 08:50 PM Re: a disconnected child [Re: kidneythis]
Caleb Offline


Registered: 02/08/10
Posts: 33
Loc: Richmond, VA
Hey Ted,

Good post. Very well worded and clearly written.

Disconnected is the perfect way to describe how I feel now. Walking through each day almost as a zombie, just going through the motions, trying desperately not to feel anything.

When my wife was still alive, I was a disconnected husband. I would love her, support her and listen to her. But emotionally I was shut down, isolated. I would avoid any conversation that would have to do with my feelings and my past.

I think I am a good father, I am there for them, listen to them, support them. But emotionally, I hardly feel anything. I have at least one kid every night waking up crying about their mom and I let them climb into bed with me. Although I comfort them through the experience, I do not allow myself to feel anything. And if I ever do get a few moments to myself, I try desperately to keep my mind and body busy so that I do not begin to focus on anything emotionally.

Thanks for the post Ted, this is something I need to think about more.


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#326105 - 03/24/10 09:32 PM Re: a disconnected child [Re: Caleb]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Hey, Thanks you Guys for your great comments and Ideas!!

All of you touched my heart.

Perhaps connecting has something to do with love...Love being thinking of the other person before we think of ourselves. A very wise friend recently told me that LOVE is a CALM, in CONTROL, all is
WELL FEELING
—“Your welfare is more important to me than my own.” It is free of fear and anger. I now believe this is true.

much love and respect, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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