This is driving me crazy! I know my mother abused me, i know i have something i cant remember, it has to do with the way i am afraid to sleep at night,it comes out in these fucking transvestite fantasies that are making me sick to my stomach. I swear i want to puke after reading some of the shit i see. I dont feel like i can stop until i figure the connection out. I try to tell myself no, stop, dont do this to yourself, you dont deserve it, but some part of me way down inside isnt listening.
Why cant i feel angry at my mother? I know its in there, twisting my insides, eating away at my mind like acid. I know she fucking did something! And i know my family is hiding shit about what happened to me, BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT!!
When i feel like this, the simplest steps are the hardest. Trying to retrace my steps, go back tell myself its not my fault, this doesnt make me a bad or disgusting person, they seem so futile, like losing something and searching everywhere for it. When i feel like im healing again, its like remembering where your car keys are, you dont really understand why all the sudden your memory comes back, it just does. When im down in the mire, i forget how to get back up. The less i think about it, and the more i just try, the quicker i get up. All i get from frustration is more lost time, more anger and shame. CLeaning out the attic in my mind is like a cross between attempting the impossible, like trying to move a beach with a sandbucket, and a nightmare, because everywhere i look there are monsters that are a reflection of me and my world. And just when i think i cant take anymore, that my life has finally reached its bottom and i cant get up anymore, somehow i just let it all drift away, and i find my way back. I cant say with any certainty that tomorrow i will feel any better, that tonight i wont degrade and humiliate myself, but i know that if i keep trying, i cant ever really lose.
[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: nomsv ]