Hello,
I am new and I am not even sure that anyone would reply.. seeing the date that you wrote this article was quite a long time ago. Hope that you came to new discoveries and found strenghts throughout all this.
I am responding to you because my experience was very much and still is the same as yours? I am copy the next sentences because that's exactly how I feel and felt and still do now that I am a much older guy! I hope you don't mind I quoted you as indicated below....however I could not have put it more properly and express it better than you did. It could be my words exactly and I did and still am very much puzzled how I can find solutions to my fixations.
[
u]I seem to have this fixation on a certain type of young man. He will be late teens to early 20s, with a swimmers-build and little or no body hair. If I see that type of person, in a movie or in print or on the street, I immediately start projecting a deep level of envy/attraction on that person. I'm attracted in the sense that I want to be that
person on some level - [/u]>.
I started very young about 12 or 13 with my brother.. however I don't realy remember the fine print of it but growing up in a large family of 9 brothers and two sisters and I was the third from below. I slept in a cold room with not heat but lot of blankets with two of my other brothers. It was an old bed and it was tilting towards the center. so in the middle of the night you were finding yourself sometimes on top of each other. My older brother in our bed who was maybe 3 years older than me took my hand while he masturbated himself. and that happened a few times and that's all I rememeber as my first sexual experience. So, it had to be him.. and I still paying the penalty?? I just don't get it why I did search out the the same attention to my other brothers in other beds of approuval and warmth and regonition of being and admired of showers of feeling good about myself which my parents couldn't provide at all.
so after done it with the others about a dozen of times and a friend tryed to get close to me too. out of all irony my abuser friend did got to me and wasn't that serious but did touch me maybe weeks later or so.. maybe they talked it over with each other? who knows? which I doubt very much, so what I can make out to that one that my brother had an fixation on his friend and translated it upon me by touching me and his friend just followed up because he was an natural player.
Most of my brothers were abuse by each other. when I go back home I stir up the pot and make them sweat a bit and they tell me what happend which was most of the time a learning experience, beside my abuser which I have still dificulties with to challange him.
one day I will.
I was never able to properly connect to my family since, beside being sensitive and creative and smart enough, something developped which I recently found out by my therapist which is called DID. Now putting things in prospective it seem to me that I did accepted my past and trying to forgive the perp and move on with my life.
Easy said than done...back up a little bit, from my three brothers bed which by itself was a horrible experience and putting up with one of them use to wet the bed and on top the cold etc. when we got a bit older our room had a bit more space.
So, instead of three in one bed, we had only two...that made it much better, the bed was a better quality and straight, no wetting except ounce in a while by my youngest brother who as matter of fact was ok in his mind but realy was somehow affected by this or other events in his life, or never admitted that he was not grapped up by one of us.
But what I wanted to say is ....I was searching out others as well within the house and needed it badly to feel complete.
Now, feeling incomplete and thinking sex is a remedy was not completely healthy to feel complete..!.but what did I know? I eventually move out and did felt flings with boys of my own age and admirred the young and smooth looking, swimmer look, clean shaven cute guys which I had some feeling or attraction towards them. I never dealt with the issue until I got to be in my early thirties.
found my first wife and she send me to her therapist for the next 10 years..and 100K poorer.
I saved myself of destruction and kept a healthy outlook just to remain balance and not to be unproducktive in a society upsidedown. Since my sixteen, I did my job to perfection and without flaws until today, always a professionl and in full controll most of the time. I can pick out those times exactly when I wasn't or destructive in my job which I could count no more than a half dozen of times that I gotten in trouble throught my work. Learn and learn some more...I fell but had it rough enough to pick it up on the other side voluntarily or forced by myself...but somehow I did it.. I always pulled it off.
I got in trouble but that is for next time.
I never lost the attraction...towards the young and I have difficulty to shake that image off. Most of the young will fade away but often certain type's wil come back to hunt me in a very aggresive way so I can come to my climax fast and than brush it off until the feeling comes up again.
This may happen every week for weeks in a row specialy lately..and before times were passing while nothing happened.
it has to do with controll and how do I properly challange that energie into producktive force or creative force or investing into my family environment.
well, now that I live with 5 girls and my wife and a white small boy dog...I had my turn around and twisted philosophy.
but still have to face the same stuff which I now accepted and which became a part of me. I am not figthing the desires or the impulses, I sometimes do act upon it which is never the solution, but I do know I have to stop and deal with my shortcomings somehow down the line.
It is more than just a fling, it has to do in my case with a younger person living within me with a strong opion and voice. he is a solid part of me and need to be recon with which I did understand now for several years.
I am still the man in charge but am easily convincend that the other younger person can take me on a side trip and make me believe that their is nothing wrong with by having a fling with a boy so that he can feel complete again for a while which never last for very long... maybe a couple of weeks and than it start all over again.
I live a gay live and was very uncomfortable with it. for 7 years I try to have an affair with a man, i.e. a young man, sex was good but not the whole package, it just did fit my lifestyle and the rejection and social standards made me feel realy not comfortable,I tried to accept it for a while but never could.
that makes me believe that I may be bi with many flings to young boys..or was it myself I was "attracted too"?
I am a leo and full of live and fire so, sex will never fade away...boys will come and go...but my only concern is I just want to live a fuller life now with my current wife, which I can't do if I still mantain those fantasies and fling to the other sides ...I have to come with terms why am I still doing such after all I have been through.
later.
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