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#325681 - 03/19/10 10:20 AM Confusion and trouble here (from a surivivor)
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 680
My feelings at the moment: I hate my wife!!!

I was negected, physically, and emotionally violated by my mother growing up, some of it is coming up now, and I'm expecting my wife to be comforting. No. No. No. It's not her problem (that comes from her lips)..... So I've got a wife who acts/is like my mother. Not there for me.

I'm sharing here to both dump and (hopefully) receive direction. I have known about my CSA (by a brother and my mother) for 10 years. I've spent many dollars on "counseling", and finally put money into "therapy" in 2003. It was short-lived due to finances. Right now I'm pulling away from my 12 step group since I'm...afraid. I've gone through the whole 12 steps twice before, and I chose to focus on the SA this time. However, I didn't come in to the group until Step 4(!!!!). In short, I didn't have a lot of time previous to find out who I can trust and with what. Step 4 is ALL about unearthing my deepest hurts and pains to share it with at least one other person. Yet I haven't hid from the guys my struggle and fears about male relationships. Right now, I haven't gone to group for about 2-3 weeks, and only 2 people have called. I feel hopeless right now. I can see why some people give up. (I'm not dwelling/living in suicide mentality. I just can relate to "it's too much to hold right now".)

Reaching out to guys is scary by itself, and sharing with wives is....smart. I'm all in my pissy world, don't want to be emotionally close to my wife, and then want to ....punish her....with silence. This is punishment to her, but I'm trying to be honoraable. Am I afraid of myself???? YES!!!! I'm mad. There's so much shit coming out of me right now, and not spewing it at her I do for our 5 year old daughter AND not wanting to verbally war with my wife. She's a control freak, likes control, and doesn't want to share..be a team..... Am I pissed?? YES.

It's safer to be alone in the same house.

I'm scared to receive replies, but holding this in isn't helping either. I'm aware of my blame, fault-finding, and much more. I'm just alone because she doesn't want ANY PART of my life. That hurts.

One last bitch. I'm mad because we started an arguement prior to a small church meeting last night. We stopped, and when I came home I wanted to unearth it. She ignored me while playing video games. I can't ever/don't want to depend on her. She's a waste to me right now.

Ladies (and guys).....I'm also scared of growing up...here.... with other people knowing me....Damn. I don't like this.


I'm feeling alone.

Alfred


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#325691 - 03/19/10 01:18 PM Re: Confusion and trouble here (from a surivivor) [Re: fhorns]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother.

You have done the right thing, coming here & letting it all hang out.
Like, you my "mom" was physically, emotionally, mentally & sexually abusing me.

I have been married for 36 years (i am currently) separated from my German wife. When all this stuff came to my conscious mind in August of '08, she was the one on the receiving end of my violent mood swings. (i didn't hit her) just a lot of shouting, trembling & anger.

She went to 2 T sessions with me. I had let her do all the talking on our first one. What she had told my T was, that Peter had shown no kind of emotions toward her, none-zero. When she damn near died from stomach cancer, was i the least bit concerned? No. When i went to see her in the hospital, was i sorry for her? No. Did i ever tell her that i loved her? Hardly ever, did i ever kiss her? Once in a blue moon. Did i ever talk to her? Hardly ever.
But, when it came to our son, well now, that was a different matter. He ALWAYS told him that i loved him, give him a hug & kiss, and he still does, he is 37 years old. And those 2 grandsons? He ALWAYS, tells them that he loves them, gives them hugs & kisses, and they are 9&10 years old.
So, doctor, what about me? Well Mrs. Corbett, Peter gave you all the emotions that he was taught, and the same goes for his social skills. He, obviously didn't receive the proper nurturing in those vital skills, that he would need in life.
Oh! Then, why didn't Peter tell me all this sexual & other abuse, before we got married? Hell, i didn't even know them yet.
Then, doctor, Peter was a lousy husband, but a good father?
You got it. Mrs Corbett, he gave you everything that he had possessed. Then we just can't keep living like this. One day he is OK, the next day or weeks, he is pissed off.
So, at the end of February of last year, i just walked out our apartment door, no hug, no kiss, no verbal goodbye, no tears & no emotions at all. I bought a plane ticket and came back to the USA. I am here & she is in Germany.
But, in all fairness towards her, she had given me all her love, 100% of it. Oh yes, we had arguments and disagreements during those years.
If i had never shown her any emotions for all those years. Just why did I expect that she would have them for me, when all hell broke loose in August, of '08?

I firmly believe that for some of us, our marriages were doomed from the start.

So my fraternal brother, i know where you are coming from. It sure hurts. We are victims, all over again from our wives.

In my heart & soul, I don't think that i was ever supposed to have been married.

WE just didn't know any better.

Heal well my fraternal brother,fhorns, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose.)



Edited by petercorbett (03/20/10 12:54 AM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#325692 - 03/19/10 01:23 PM Re: Confusion and trouble here (from a surivivor) [Re: fhorns]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Alfred:

You are doing such a healthy thing right now, in letting it all out and NOT allowing anger to be directed at anyone else. Talking is really a good move.

Something I had to face over the past couple of years in therapy is that I married my husband because our patterns lined up...at first I didn't see it but his "pull me in close and push me away" was EXACTLY the same as my relationship with my father. Many of us enter into relationships with people in a pattern similar to what we know. I am just wondering if you entered into your relationship with your wife as a way to work through what happened to you as a boy?

I finally had to deal with my feelings surrounding my father and once I did I could recognize that my husband was not him and he had different reasons for pulling me in and then pushing me away emotionally. I also had to understand that I was expecting my husband to offer me what I was always perfectly capable of claiming for myself: happiness and stability.

I urge you to find a true support person. If you can not afford a therapist, maybe connect with another member on this forum that is in a similar situation. I found someone I could relate to and having a sound voice that understood on the other end did me a world of good and helped tremendously in what I faced during my own healing process. I owe a lot to my support team.

You are not alone.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#325757 - 03/20/10 11:29 AM Re: Confusion and trouble here (from a surivivor) [Re: fhorns]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: fhorns
I was negected, physically, and emotionally violated by my mother growing up, some of it is coming up now, and I'm expecting my wife to be comforting.

Reaching out to guys is scary by itself, and sharing with wives is....smart.

Am I afraid of myself???? YES!!!! I'm mad.

I'm feeling alone.


(((Alfred)))

Last one first,

I have had the personal pleasure of talking with you, and you are a great guy. In the few moments that we chatted, I am impressed with your appreciation and respect for others, and your support of others ideas.

I know this person is inside you, wanting desperately to come out. Like a small child, he may be anxious about reaching out to those he is not familiar with. That is a safe stand, Alfred. Familiarity is built on time, and talking, and sharing, and playing. You can come over and play with me and my friends whenever you like, ok? :0) Mis amigos es su amigos, esta bien?

Alfred, continue to share, your sharing will help you work through the morphogenesis, to heal the abuse wound. I am so happy that you can see the need to continue share.

Finally, my friend, it is unfortunate but true, we, who have partners, especially the same gender as our abusers, may transfer our memories and emotions of abuse on to our confused mates. Be gentle, and go slow with your wife. She is trying to process the abuse with her own issues. But she is trying.

Most importantly, be gentle and supportive to you. You are our brother, our family. So be nice to you.

There is some fantastic work, by Byron Katie, called "I Thought You Were Supposed To Love Me." It is abrupt, but I prefer the direct approach. It puts our relationships with our support in a new perspective. I encourage you to review the video.

Alfred, please utilize every means of support, you have many friends here, and I would like to be counted as one of them.

Yours in safe and steady healing,

sasuva(Sam)




_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#325791 - 03/20/10 10:40 PM Re: Confusion and trouble here (from a surivivor) [Re: SamV]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 680
There's so much here. I don't know how to start responding. Here's an attempt.

S-n-S: Yes, I do that. I've thought "she should pay for Mom's mistakes"; why? because she's just like my mom in how she relates to men.

Pete: this could be bad. It truly could be. Change is hard and scary, but looking at yours and other's experiences--it's needed. I've heard so much true pain from you. God, I don't want to have as much regret as you carry. You are strong, yet you made big mistakes. I'm just too aware of my own pain to passively allow and/or create more pain in my family.

But intentions are just that. They are good, but they can be useless too. It's late now, my wife's in bed, and we had a good day today together. I'm going to go lay down and think about what I have to work with. I also had a good day with another survivor here in chat. We made a separate room and shared. I shared feelings, fears, and past successes. It put a little safety in my day. And someone else knows. Lastly, tonight I was in "Victims No Longer", specifically in "Keeping Secrets". So, this day has turned out good. I've got baggage to carry tomorrow, but.......... Today's Saturday. Good night all. Thank you for listening to my story. You are there for me.

Sincerely,

Alfred


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#325797 - 03/21/10 12:16 AM Re: Confusion and trouble here (from a surivivor) [Re: fhorns]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
((((Alfred)))) No brilliant words or thoughts, but this feeling of being with someone and feeling totally alone is difficult I know...and yes, as you said in your earlier post, growing up sucks...I didn't realize that I had so much yet to do actually. And by the way, I don't think it's out of line to not be into behavior that's not supportive regardless if one's abuser had some of the same characteristics...it's ok to have a problem with bad behavior even it's like our perps...that doesn't make it "our" problem or make us unreasonable per sť if you see what i mean.

K

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#449660 - 10/09/13 11:16 AM Re: Confusion and trouble here (from a surivivor) [Re: fhorns]
Moreorless Offline


Registered: 10/07/13
Posts: 20
Loc: Pittsburgh
This post is 3 years old and while the immediacy of its content (your feelings towards your wife) may not be of concern right now - I know that that sensation is difficult to tackle and, ultimately, timeless.

I've had to re-read the replies in this thread a few times; I found myself looking away from the screen, skipping over to some dumb app on my computer to play a game, scroll my FaceBook feed, play with some fuzz on my pants, get that nervous gut wrench reaction that tells me, "you're wasting time again and you are wasting your life go do important things."

Right now, and this is one of my favorite psychosomatic reactions, I'm actually forgetting my point as to why I began to type this...

Our wives, girlfriends, husbands, boyfriends, lovers, partners etc... They've got it pretty rough being with us; that's for sure.

You, Alfred, and many others in this string, and I share that connection with our mothers. I read the opening statement by Alfred and my first thought was, "well this is a thread I can't relate to..."

When, in fact, my mother is a reason I am on MS.org

I'm not entirely certain where I am going with this... When I try to talk about her, try to relate to others about her, I begin to lose focus and various joint pains flair up...

I know the reason I was directly taken to this specific thread is - I was doing a search for Byron Katie to see if anyone here had been saying anything about her methods...

Personally - her method is something I can accredit a surprising portion of my comfort and recovery to. It's simple, brilliant and perfect in my eyes.

It may not work for everyone...

And I know that when you visit her site at www.thework.com - she appears to be an elderly woman attempting to sell arthritus bracelets... And while her books are for sale - she openly keeps her material available on her site for free access.

Alfred, what we went through will be with us and our partners forever. Byron Katie's method allowed me to make it easier on myself and my partner.

If you want to PM me about anything regarding this - please do.
_________________________
"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

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