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#325627 - 03/18/10 04:55 PM 40 years later
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
48 years old and I finally disclose my secret. I have only been in 2 relationships that I ended after 2 or 3 months. The first was when I was around 25 years old. The second I was 32. Now at 48 I meet a women and start a relationship and after only 4 weeks I try to end it and during the attempt at ending it, I to my surprise tell something that I thought I would never tell. That as a little boy beginning around 8 years old (I really don't remember when it started) I was sexually abused by a man until I was around 12. To this day I really don't know why I told. 3 months later after attempted to end it for the 3rd time, I am writing this to try and understand what is going on in my head. During this 4 month period I have had sex with her which was my first sex with a women in my life. It went pretty well though I do seem to have some problems that I will go into when I have time to really tell it all. I know I don't have the normal feelings that I should have toward a women. I do know that all my life I have had desires to be with a man......not just any man but I feel desires when I see that certain type man that gets my attention...I know he is the type man that was my abuser. I am so confused. Now, for the first time in my life I know what its like to have a normal life. That I can have sex with a women and enjoy it. But it just don't feel right. What should I do. I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. Hoping this will make things better. But can't imagine things changing. There's so much to tell.....



Edited by wayne9 (03/18/10 05:01 PM)

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#325630 - 03/18/10 05:37 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: wayne9]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Wayne9,

Welcome, dear friend, to Male Survivor.

Your disclosure to your mate is the first step of recovery. This journey will be filled with new feelings and emotions that will continually stabilize your adulthood.

Your discovery, Wayne, is a normal part of the process from victim to survivor. Over the next few months, you will remember and discover other facets of your childhood and abuse. This will be a process, so be patient, like riding a roller-coaster.

CSA, Child Sexual Abuse, is riddled with confusion about power, gender, and trust. You will begin to sort these out.

It is imperative, Wayne, to continue talking and posting. We tend to suppress our emotions and memories. Let us know the good, the bad, and the impossible.

You are among your peers, friends, and fellow abuse sufferers.

We are ready to believe, Wayne, please lean on us.

Heal well,

Sasuva(Sam)

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#325633 - 03/18/10 05:43 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: SamV]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 826
Loc: Ohio
Wayne,

Right on. The power of sin is in secrecy. Let it out here and you will find we don't have much use for stones, sticks or names. That secrecy is what binds everything up. Like a boiling pot of water, keeping the lid on never stops what goes on inside. You will learn a lot about yourself in this process. Keep it coming. When the time is right for you, bring it out and feel free to read on and learn from others. Sorry for the need to be here but happy to see you.

Catfish

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#325638 - 03/18/10 07:51 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: catfish86]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
Wayne9


You've made the right choice by coming here, i've searched the net and this is the best site for support for abuse survivors. Like you i'm all confused about my sexuality, who wouldn't be. I think you did the right thing by being honest with your girlfriend about your past. Honesty is key. This way if you come out to her one day and say that you'd rather be with so in so it won't come as such a shock.


What i've enjoyed about the site is that people are truly wanting to get well, and overcome the effects of csa. I like being apart of something like that because it's way to overwhelming to try and figure this stuff out for myself.

Also, getting into therapy will help your recovery immensely. Your starting out right by being honest with us here at the site, but a professional therapist can really give you good advice on how to handle your present relationship. I've been going to therapy off and on for several years and i finally got a sex specific therapist who specializes in issues that you and i have. Look for one in your area.


Gus

_________________________
My Story

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#325651 - 03/18/10 10:52 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: Gus Bierer]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Thanks for the kind words guys. I would like to tell more when I have time. Maybe this weekend.


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#325700 - 03/19/10 02:24 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: wayne9]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother,

Welcome to MS. here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain).

We all have been there.
We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We do not judge anyone. We will listen to your cries, we will help in your fear. and feel your tears.

You are in the right place, at the right time & with the right people.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life.

Don't be too hard on your self. It took me 55 years after the last act of sexual aggression, for this to come to my conscious mind.

I was married for 36 years, it was an emotional less one from my part. I never had any emotions toward girls/females. Save for 3 females starting around 27 years old.

I was never meant to have been married. All my sexual pleasures have come from Ralph & those strange men. You are not alone in those feelings.

Heal well my brother, wayne9, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete.trying desperately to become 1.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#325741 - 03/20/10 03:31 AM Re: 40 years later [Re: petercorbett]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Its 2am. can't sleep. Had a conversation with her a few hours ago. I know she means well. She thinks I should just quit thinking this way. That now I know what "normal" is like and just be normal. She can't comprehend that I want to be normal but can't. I know that I have to take the blame for this. I should have told when it was going on. That by keeping it to myself I taught myself to be this way. That as I grew up masturbating to what I knew felt good has trained my mind to think this way. But it ain't that easy to just think the right way. She don't understand that I hate what I have become.

Most think I have it so together. I am doing well in my life. Have a good business. Everyone except my two closeest friends think I am fine. These two know now what has happended to me but have know clue how screwed up I really am.

What do I do now. I have faced the fact that I can't have what I feel is "normal" desires for me. But do I really need to be in a relationship with a women knowing I have thoughts and desires that are opposite. I few weeks ago after leaving a meeting with my counselor my girlfriend and I stop and ate at TGIfridays. As we sit there, me telling her what was talked about. That I shared with the Dr. for the first time that I really have problems with thinking thoughts of other men. She thinks I should just stop thinking this way. As we are talking a group comes in and sits at the table next to us and I am checking this guy out....the kind that always gets my attention. He reminds me of "Him". She don't even realize I am doing this as she is telling me that I shouldn't. I do it without even noticing. I am shocked that some of my buddies have never ask what I am looking at as I notice these men.

She will never understand that the feeling I have inside is so normal to me.......its like feeling the need for food when I am hungry. It seems that normal.

How can I feel this way yet enjoy sex with her like I did.

I do know this... I don't feel a desire to be with a women like I do a man just by looking at them. With her I need physical contact. As soon as we start kissing I get an erection and I am ready. But don't think I have every got erect just from thougths of a women......



Edited by wayne9 (03/20/10 03:39 AM)

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#325755 - 03/20/10 10:30 AM Re: 40 years later [Re: wayne9]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hey, my fraternal brother.

I have sent you a PM (private message) on the top of your screen, you will see a flashing envelope, click on it and you wwill see my PM (private message) that i've sent to you.
Only you and i, or the person who has sent you one can read it.

You, are not alone my fraternal brother.

You have little Pete & big Pete's compassion, understanding & love.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, wayne9, heal well.


"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darlness, into the sunlight, forever into eternity."

Little Pete & big Pete, desperately trying to become 1.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#325861 - 03/21/10 10:26 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: petercorbett]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
Just had another argument with her. I can't deal with all the stuff thats been going on in my head the last few months and deal with trying to "just be friends" as she has suggested since its obvious that I don't need to try a relationship right now. I am so tired of this......I seem to be worse off than I was before I told my secret!!!

sorry if this is not the right way or place to be telling this stuff. I'm not really sure how this works.



Edited by wayne9 (03/21/10 10:27 PM)

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#325929 - 03/22/10 04:44 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: wayne9]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother,

Yes, my brother Wayne. It sure seems like we were better off before telling anyone (wife), our SECRET.

Like me, when i had my first T session, the first person who I was face to face with. I finally had told someone face to face. It was hard to do, i didn't know how to tell him. But as soon as he closed the door to his office my mouth was going a mile a minute, i didn't have control over it. I just blurted it out.
When the session was over and i was walking to my car to drive home. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was euphoric, I was so high that when i got home, i grabbed my wife and gave her a hug & kiss. She was dumbfounded. I told her now I am "free". My SECRET is out and i am happy.
Well after a while i was back into the depths of hell all over again. Where was my peace? I TOLD!
My brother,Wayne what you are going through is rough, it hurts,all those long buried SECRETS are still in you, but my brother, remember what i had written "be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life". This is all part of the healing process. We have to make adjustments in our relationships, either permanently or temporary.
For me, I had to leave everyone. I need all my time and energy for that lost boy who came home in my memory.
This is the RIGHT place to come. Tell what's in your heart.
If you feel safe, this is the place to come.
I WILL LISTEN TO YOU. I will even cry with you. It hurts my brother, but you have to have HOPE.

I hope that this might make some sense to you. I probably babbled for too long.


Hang in there my brother, Wayne, hang in there. It will get BETTER, it will take a long time.

Heal well my brother, wayne, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete, trying desperately to become 1.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#325935 - 03/22/10 06:43 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: petercorbett]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
I think about how I have wasted all this time being this way. Would I have been different if I had gotten help when I was young? I cry just thinking how my life has been such a damn lie.
I have never felt this way about this. I have never been a angry man. The other night I almost lost it at home alone. Wanted to throw something across the room and just let something out. Feel like going to him and telling him what a f--- up life he has given me. Thats the bad thing. I can go to his house anytime I want. He's not that far away. He sees me at times. Its like he thinks I don't remember. Just acts as if it never happened. One thing that really bothers me is I am not sure when it really started. I know it was happening when I was around 8 years old. But not remembering the first time makes it hard to deal with. Did it happen when I was 6,5,4,3...who knows......


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#325938 - 03/22/10 06:53 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: wayne9]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 826
Loc: Ohio
Wayne,

I have the same conversations with my wife. I told her of my same sex attractions before we married. It is possible to have a relationship with a woman while having attraction to men. Think of it this way if you go long term/committed: Any "normal" heterosexual male, when they get married, vow to forsake all women other than their wife, even the good looking ones that get things stirring. If you take such a vow, you are simply including all the attractive men in the same category. If you feel ultimately you will be more fulfilled with what a women can give you, then you can do that. But you are right about her telling you to simply stop thinking that way, it is just not that simple.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#325941 - 03/22/10 07:05 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: catfish86]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
Wayne

I think your doing the right thing by talking about this here on the board, but you really need to take the advice of a trained professional. I think your better off now by bringing out this secret because keeping this stuff inside makes us sick emotionally.

You have a support group now who will listen to everything you have to say and the more you talk the closer a resolution will be. I have to say i'm glad you have a girlfriend/wife, i forget which, that dosn't freak out on you because of the news you told her. Maybe, she will be able to accept that you have homosexual tendencies. Maybe that's all it is for you. You will know in time. If the homosexual thoughts seem to continue then you will have to reevaluate your relationship. I'm not sure, I just know for myself if i continue to have certain feelings then that proves that i need something more.

Glad you found your way to this site, talk with you later.


Gus

_________________________
My Story

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#325942 - 03/22/10 07:15 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: wayne9]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I used to feel ashamed of myself for not accomplishing what I thought I was supposed to. I felt a failure in spite of all my success'.
I too am 48 and only started to remember the abuse that was crippling me a couple years ago and it has not yet helped me much to know why I had so many problems with life. But I'd never give that up, I'm of the type that wants to know.

It's weird but I have memories of argueing with my abusers as the time for my final ECT series came that I would get them, I would remember and make them pay. They insisted I wouldn't and I insisted I would. I swore I'd remember "in my forties and certainly by the time I was 50". They told me they'd find a way to destroy the records or hide them where no one could find them. There is a kind of comfort in that memory but since I have no faces and only two names and those two were only enablers admittedly with full knowledge and consent to the abuse, One of whom is dead or close to it, to put with it I can't really get anyone particular unless I were given access to the files which will never happen.

I don't pine for what might have been and I can't explain why. I just don't see the point, I took control of my life as soon as I could, age 15, and did my best. I failed a lot. I might have done better if I had known all along why I couldn't adjust to life with people, but I didn't. I knew what I knew and I did what I did in an honest effort to grow and build a life. It was that living which has made me mature enough to come here and delve into things I never could have as a younger man. I see more now and I think I will achieve that illusive adjustment to living with people in the future. I think I will have that inner peace I want.
I think you did the best you could too. Lieing served you, it got you by until you got to the point of being able to face whatever it is you have to face now. Be proud of the resourcefulness of your mind to be able to carry you this far with all that damage in there. And I don't think lieing is all that you are you probably had some very good things in that life which the intensity of these feelings is forcing into the background.
Now you're at the point of being strong, mature and knowledgeable enough to face that thing whatever it is and improve yourself.

I'm trying to say that it doesn't pay to dwell on what might have been. I've never heard a story about what might have been that was anything but sad. What can be is the ticket to reach for.



Edited by kidneythis (03/22/10 07:17 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#326031 - 03/23/10 10:49 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: petercorbett]
alan55 Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
Wayne9 - I know this hurts like holy fire, but its necessary. We heal when we let it out. We heal when others are let in on what happened to us - especially here. We all understand what its like to attempt a relationship only to find it may not be what we wanted after all.
As for your relationship, I would go slow. Right now it would be really important for you to focus on yourself. I know it sounds selfish or like narcissistic behavior. But for now, you have to be able to heal and not divide your attention into too many places. SOme who do that run the risk of losing focus or not attending counseling as often as they once did.
You are worth the work. You are doing a courageous thing. Stay strong. We're here.


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