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I can't speak for everyone but for me there are elements of my behaviour/demeanor that relate to abuse. Emotionally I am very closed off when it comes to intimacy, physically I don't like unexpected touching i.e. hugs or a clap on the back, and psychologically I live with memories that I try to avoid and dreams that I can't. Sexually I feel the results of the abuse are even more difficult to live with, namely things that I find arousing which disturb me. I've never told anyone on this board before but since the abuse occured I've had an attraction to children. Shameful as this sounds I try not to put myself down since I know the difference between right and wrong and would never act on it according to my core values. After all thoughts and feelings don't equal a crime. However, living with an attraction to something I can never have is frustrating so it's why I brought it to my therapist's attention. Talking honestly about my feelings to do with this helps diminish it so its made a huge difference. I just hope I haven't diminished myself in the eyes of others here by disclosing this. JS

It sounds like a misplaced attraction. You may or may not be bisexual but this attraction as you describe it and how you try to control what those feeling make you want to do sounds like acting out. A silent cry for help as it were. It may or may not have its roots in Child Sexual Abuse.

It took me 40+ years and a very abuseive and mentally violent attack on my core being by some mercenary people trained in psychology to trigger the memories. I always had the pain and other effects from it but didn't know any better than to think it was me. Sort of like you only you are able to ask more perceptive questions.

I can't say if it is an indication of CSA or isn't. I do think it bears pointing out that you may actually be bisexual or even Gay. There isn't anything wrong with that and I hope you find the answer I know living confused about who you are and not knowing why is no fun at all.

And it bears pointing out that you may not be either.

sono

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Sono- I didn't say that because it is the premise of the original post.

Shaun I never suggested you don't like women. I simply pointed out the thing you are dancing around. You did admit to being Bi above.
You say that you've never seen in your personal life or in the media "any kind of gay relationship" that comes close to the one with your wife. Have you ever had a romantic relationship with a man?
I don't need to know that. I think I see now that you need to know where this fantasy life is coming from. I hope you find out and get some peace of mind.

Shaun,

I have come to peace with this part of my life. I probably could lose the porn bit and just go with fantasy because porn can "move the stick" and get you into deeper things. Anyway, my wife has always been aware of this other side of me. She is convinced that through my healing journey dealing with my abuse, I may find I am cured of the same sex attraction. It seems certain to her that this is what caused it. It seems certain to a lot of very learned people here that this is not the case. I have respect for both but I am certain that nobody really knows.

Reality is that I deal with it and it is not going away. I have accepted it, much like you, for what it is, a fantasy that I know would never fulfill me like the life I am living. Others have different lives and feelings, but that is where I am.

Jls, I want you to know I respect you for your honesty. That honesty and willingness to deal with it are an excellent sign that you will in fact never act on the fanasies. While it is a myth that once bitten you will attack others, it is true that anyone having lived in a world, however brief and secret, where adults have sex with kids and it is somehow OK, is still scarred by it. What keeps the majority of survivors from biting others is because they KNOW what it did to them and could never visit that upon another human being.

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feelings are not facts, and fantasies are not acts; of course it is dangerous to allow oneself to linger in these and you seem to be well aware of this, so don't beat yourself up bro, ok? safe hugs and

warm regards,

ron

ps, shaun, check out joe kort phd . he is an excellent clincian who has worked for decades with men dealing with these types of issues and who are confused about their sexual attractions. he does not come from a hetero-centric model and affirms all orientations as unique to the individual. joe is appearing at the conference this year, and this organization has a great deal of respect for his ideology around these issues. check him out on the link provided.

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