I can tell you how I used to be and that may help you.
I used to pursue relationships with the hope that being in a relasionship would drive away all the memories and feelings of disgust I had in myself. I just wanted to be a normal guy in a normal relasionship and have everything that would entail. However I had this huge monkey on my back that would only let me bond with a woman so far. I wanted to commit but just could not. I would get so far and think yes I can make a go of this and then BANG. I would weird and just leave.
However after being like this for most of my 20s I met a woman called C, I did the same thing and things went really well. Then as usual I went to do thing and run away, however this time it went a little differently. C would not let me go without a fight. C guessed that I had a secret about my past and fought to keep me from running.
We have now been married 7 years and we have a beautiful 3 year old girl and in about 2 weeks we will have a baby son.
There is light and I am not saying what worked for my wife will work for you but I hope it can