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#325185 - 03/14/10 01:57 PM Lying to myself
LC Offline


Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Canada
Looking back at my life my longest lasting compulsion due to my CSA was lying. I know that I lied before and I would have lied after had it not happened, but after it happened I used it in an entirely different way. Lying became a way to distance myself from my reality, it became my buffer from being hurt by day to day life. I figured that if I lied to everybody about everything then no matter what anyone said or did to me I could never be really hurt ( I say this about the physical as well because I also compare every physical pain back to my CSA and so far nothing has hurt as much as that ). But somewhere over the last 18 years I started believing the lies I told to everybody else. I was so concerned about not showing the fact that I had been abused, that I became everything I "pretended" to be. I became an emotional abuser and masochist, an addict (drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn) and so many other negative things. I have only started to realize that if I chose to lie everyone else then there is every chance that I lied to myself as well. The thoughts that I am unworthy of love, I don't care about myself and my well being so why should anyone else, I was to blame for the abuse, it made me somehow weak, if I was a man I wouldn't have let it happen, no one would understand, because I was abused I will be an abuser, and on and on.
So I am trying to reverse that thinking by knowing that it was the part of me that needed to survive telling me those lies, and now that I am no longer in imminent danger the other part needs to take control and look at those comments running rapid in my head for what they are LIES.
My perception is my reality and I want my old eyes back.
LC


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#325204 - 03/14/10 07:21 PM Re: Lying to myself [Re: LC]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160
LC

Sounds like a real coping mechanism. It would scare me though, because i could slip into delusion as to, what the truth is and what it ain't. Posting is great therapy, hopefully after you typed this you felt some relief. All of the 12 step programs use inventory as a means of getting well, and i have found it takes the power out of these thoughts that were rolling around in my head.

Are you spiritual? I have had a lot of success with overcomming thoughts by meditating, first i used holosync by centerpointe then i found i could use any tranquil music to help me meditate. You definately need a break from all these behaviours. I hope your in therapy, i'm glad i'm back in therapy. It gives me a place to dump my most darkest, evilest thoughts. And i can leave the session feeling better knowing what i said isn't going to follow me around to my work, with my friends, with my family. I'm just saying this because some people are opposed to therapy, but i am not. I think i know how to use a therapist today, that's the trick.


I hope to see you around the boards more often, like me you can use the support that's offered here at malesurvivor.




Gus

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#325229 - 03/15/10 01:37 AM Re: Lying to myself [Re: LC]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
LC,

This is a powerful post. This is brutal honesty man, no lies here and I'm not trying to be funny.

I appreciate the honesty I can relate to this post in many ways.

I've learned some things about telling lies and telling the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts, sometimes it can harm, but I sure believe it to be better than lies.

You want it to be better than lies, this is admirable, you want to speak the truth. It's painful but I also believe its very rewarding.

It's liberating to make changes in your life. Your making changes, I congratulate you on making changes in your life, in you recovery.

Charlie.


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#325237 - 03/15/10 01:59 AM Re: Lying to myself [Re: Charlie24]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1977
LC,

Many of us did some stuff we are not proud of to survive and get through what was going on for us. Not trying to justify stuff, but I can't help to see how so much gets brought out once we have been violated like that. But these things come to a point where they can harm us. In fact they may have never been necessary, but we didn't know any other way in the past. If you can get rid of the lying and open up to truth and honesty I know your life will be way better. Sounds like you are on that path. It may be painful; often looking back can be when there are things we wish we hadn't done or were not. But looking back gives us the chance to evaluate the mistakes we made and then move forward in a way better direction. One thing I'll say, be easy on yourself in regards to this past you are not so proud of. You have been through a lot you did not ask for nor deserved and that kind of stuff really does a number on a person. People here know that all to well. Keep moving forward in a positive direction and the lies of the past will slowly lose their grip on you. Move forward in the direction of the person you were meant to be, don't stay stuck in the person that became because of circumstances that were never wanted nor deserved.

Eric


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#325252 - 03/15/10 09:35 AM Re: Lying to myself [Re: ericc]
Damien42 Offline


Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 38
Loc: Australia
Great post LC,

since I started dealing with my abuse, my work situation has become a lot harder. I'm self-employed with clients. Just with the drinnking and having to make up reasons for being unreliable has been exhausting. Both the drinking and the lying. Though they are sort of work lies, so I try not to beat myself up about it too much. Though lying is very exhausting because it compromises our integrity. We become like the perp in a way who obviously had no integrity at all. It's great that you have become more aware of it. My problem isn't so much lying as feeling disengenuous, like I'm waiting for my real life to start again. Or, rather, till I feel safe enough to be "real". Not feeling how you really feel and not being able to talk about it is a sort of lie, though one we needed. But, not any more I guess. Take it easy on yourself man. As Charie said, it's a very honest post.


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#325253 - 03/15/10 09:51 AM Re: Lying to myself [Re: Damien42]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1395
Loc: kansas
this is an interesting topic...

i don't like to lie and haven't for most of my adult life. i'd be lying if i said i never lied....

i haven't lied in so long that it's so obvious when i make attempts at it.. my boss makes fun of me sometimes about it...

sometimes, he'll ask me to tell a customer he's not at work just to laugh at me. i just stumble with the words and try to come up with a truth to tell the customer... then my boss will laugh and pick up the phone or go meet with the customer in the shop...

grant it, he's not trying to be malicious about it. it's just done in fun because he knows i have trouble with lying. plus, i have my fun with him and his paranoia... so, it's all in fun...

however, it does have me wondering why, as a kid i have lied and never fumbled around about it. was able to do it and get away with it at the time... BUT, nowadays i can't bring myself to lie and it's blaringly obvious when i try to...

*ponders*

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