Been awhile since I posted but somethings come up and I could use some advice.

Although I have been married for just over 7 years now and I have a daughter and a son who is due in about 2 weeks I was not always able to have a steady relationship.

Previous to my ( very compasionate ) wife I had a string on failed relationships. The usual pattern would be for me to meet someone have a little fun. But as soon as anything would get serious I would bolt. Run a mile. I let so many woman down and usually I would just drop all contact. No calls nothing. I would reach a point in a given relationship and as soon as there became any real emotional attachment I was gone. I have realised though my therapy that this was due in part to my experiances of CSA. I know now why I find it so very hard to have much of an emotional attachment to anyone. The thought used to terrify me. The thing is I wanted to very much be able to cope with that level of commitment but when things went that way I always ran.

One such woman who I treated badly I will call A. unfortunatly for her I didn't just leave her cold just the once. A kept having me back and I kept trying to be a good partner and I constantly failed. The sad thing is she was a lovly person and we had a very close bond as friends. It's just when it became more than that I as usual ran.

Now I am married partly due to my wife actually running after me when I tried to leave and not letting me go. She wore me down so to speak and I love her so very much for doing that to me.

However I recently had contact with A after 10 years. Sounds like she is doing well and she is soon to be married herself very soon. That is one thing I can be thankful for as I was always worried my antics may have put her off men for life. Anyway A wants to meet up. We have had some contact via e-mail and she saids she wants to see if we can get our friendship back. That sounds good to me but I am worried that at some point I am going to be asked why I treated her so badly all those years ago.

Maybe I do owe her an explanation but to be honest I don't really want to go into a full disclosure of why I was the way I was. Only my wife and her parents know about my CSA no one else. No one in my family, nobody. So what do I say to A when and if she asks me that question ?

Help here would be gratefully received.

Cheers

jnj

It can be as simple as:

I was going through some issues. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I can't go into any details. I hope you can understand.

Just go in with a plan, and make sure your wife is on board.

Thanks JNJ. I really related to your share about shutting people out. I have done that my whole life, with my ex wife and have to be careful not to do it in my current relationship. Though I have come a long long way through therapy and this and my 12 step fellowships.

Agree with Castle. Make sure your wife is cool with it. We tend to have boundary issues which, I know in my case, can make me either shut people out completely or open up too much. So set some boundaries and keep them. It'll work out best that way. And remember, you don't owe anyone full disclosure of issues that are so close to you. That comes if and when you feel you're ready and that for whatever reason it's completely neccessary. An apology for the behavior would probably suffice. It does for most.

best of luck.

Alex

JNJ,

I think ARW's plan of boundaries is a perfect one. And if "A" is as good a friend as you say, I think she'll understand. I think an apology is great, but also a sincere acknowledgement of her ability to get on with her life, too. Be happy for her, and I don't think she'll be mad at you.

Just some advice.

Bobcat

Thanks guys. I spoke to my wife last night. As I knew she would be, she is very cool with the situation. Honesty I think is the best policy as far as my wife is concerned and she knows I am completly devoted to her and my daughter ( and soon to be son). She says I am going though a " my names earl moment" as I have been tracking down all the woman I messed around and just saying sorry. I have had mostly positive responses which is nice. A was always a bit different ( she was quite a bit older for starters ) and we were very good friends before we got involved.

Hopefully we can get that back. But as far as disclosure is concerned I will be keeping my past to myself. What you guys have said about just saying sorry seems to have
worked. To be honest I doubt I would have told her as for me I still bare the shame of my abuse. The fact that A is getting married this year I
think helps. We have both moved on and we know anything but friendship is not an option.

Anyway thanks again guys, I know I don't post an aweful lot but I do read everything. The strength and support shared here goes a long way to me knowing I will be alright.

Write it out similar to what Castle posted-
e amine your motives for reconnecting-I tend to keep relationships with other females at a distance (boundaries) and focus my emotional energies on my relationship with my wife and kids and my brothers in recovery.

But I do need to clean up my part of past relTjonships if I can do so without causing harm.