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#32484 - 05/29/02 03:36 AM A Simple Question?
Ron_dup1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
Okay this seems to be a simple question but I have no answer to it and was wondering what you all might have to say about it. Here's my question:
Why does it matter SO much, that I was abused over 20 years ago? Why does it have such a powerful hold on me still today?

The whole thing happened so long ago, why can't I just let the past be the past and move on? Why does it come out in such crazy ways: nightmares, sleepless nights, panic attacks, hyper vigilance, FEAR?

Why does the fact that I had sex with an adult when I was 9 still rule my life 20+ years later?

I really don't understand why it has affected me to such a huge degree and would love to hear what you all have to say.

Ron
PS - I have my 3rd appointment with my therapist on Thursday and intend to ask him the same questions.


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#32485 - 05/29/02 05:36 AM Re: A Simple Question?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
It affects you because it is a serious trauma that you have never been able to truly process. Being raped as a child is like watching both your parents die before your eyes. The difference is, you only have to watch your parents die once. You have to live with the shame and secrecy of being raped until you are able to break the silence.

We often do things to make it tolerable to live through that period of our lives that carry on into our adult years. By pretending it didnt happen, saying things like it wasnt really so bad, or i deserved, i wanted it, we deny the impact it had on us, allowing us to go on with what looks like on the surface a normal life, but is really a mask to hide yourself from all the shame and all the pain. Instead of asking, wy is this affecting me now, try asking this,

How has it affected me up until now? If you really look, you'll see that it has really been with you all along. Something like this rattles you to the core of your being. Just remember its never your fault, and that you deserve to be acknowledged as a survivor and a child who did not have the power to protect himself. If you run away, this will haunt you for the rest of your life. It will always be there, nagging at you, knawing at your mind.

The only thing more amazing about the strength it takes to survive child abuse is the strength it takes to confront it. Once you make the first step, you might as well think yourself invincible, because as long as you dont give up, your life will truly be yours and yours alone. Everybody here was strong enough to talk about it, including you. If you can break the silence, you can finally reclaim your life.


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#32486 - 05/29/02 10:47 AM Re: A Simple Question?
MattHodges21 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/14/02
Posts: 7
Loc: Idaho
Hey Ron,
Something my therapist told me on my first Visit and then proved to me yesterday on my second visit. When we are young we are not sure how to deal with what is happening to us. We know it is wrong but we are not sure
How or what to do about it. We try to just put it away and we learn how to supress and hide it. Well as we get older we find these tactics cause problems in our adult life. Our way of dealing with stressfull situations as children do not work so well as adults. I was molested 16 years ago and still feel powerless. Also. Hand in there man It is supposed to get better eventually but it will get worse first because we have to put it out there and that is what we have tried for so long not to do.

My own theory is that the mind is so powerful that a scar on the mind from abuse is deeper and more prominent or noticeable than the deepest or worst scars right on a persons face. They affect who we are. Now we must take controll back that has been taken from us and I know it can be done.
Hang In there
Matt


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#32487 - 05/29/02 01:02 PM Re: A Simple Question?
Anonymous
Unregistered


Good morning Ron. I picked up on your comment instantly. You did'nt "have sex with an adult" when you were 9. The adult used you for sexual release. It's a one-way street. The adult's running the show. He's in charge. You did'nt run around begging adults for sex. I know what you're talking about. I went thru the same thing. Took me over four decades to not blame myself. By the way it's a big pedo/boylover fantasy that little boys (and girls) approach adults asking for sex. Well,maybe in Thailand they do.


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#32488 - 05/29/02 01:31 PM Re: A Simple Question?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ron
You've had 20 years to learn and deeply ingrain what they told you. I'd bet big money that they told you it was YOUR fault, it was YOUR secret. When you're a kid you believe what older more powerful people tell you. The boy who first abused me was 13, I was 11, the ones who came after were a bit older and included an adult teacher. The abuse lasted nearly 5 years and I carried "our" secret with me until I was 45. Only then did I discover that a secret, once told is no longer a secret, and sharing the secret lifted such a weight off me.
It didn't answer all my problems, I still have a bagful of them I'm trying to give away, but it gave me the space in my head to begin my recovery.
In a way I share it out, I give a bit of my secret to everyone who cares, hopefully not so much it becomes a burden for them, but it eases my load. And in return I take a bit of other folks secrets and forget them.
All of what Broken has written earlier is just so right, especially "break the silence, reclaim your life"
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#32489 - 05/29/02 05:00 PM Re: A Simple Question?
still 12 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/01
Posts: 167



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#32490 - 05/29/02 05:26 PM Re: A Simple Question?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Some really powerful stuff posted here I agree with what most or what all of you said.

I do not have the answer, I am making new friends, trusting men again, making better choices for my self that are healthier.

(((((((((((everyone who posted here))))))))))

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#32491 - 05/29/02 06:24 PM Re: A Simple Question?
Anonymous
Unregistered


I took the easy way out in 1958. I figured they're all out to fuck me,the adults. All adults everywhere. Tinfoil had a gnarly old cop's view of humanity at age 12.


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#32492 - 05/30/02 01:32 AM Re: A Simple Question?
Ron_dup1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
Thank you to all of you for posting your responses to the "simple" question. I am still not convinced that it was not (at least in part) my fault or my doing. You have given me alot to think about and to process. And some new questions to pose to my therapist on Thursday!
I am amazed at the length and detail some of you went into to answer my question. Thank you for taking the time to help me deal with all of this it is very encouraging to me.
Talk soon,
Ron


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#32493 - 05/30/02 11:29 AM Re: A Simple Question?
still 12 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/01
Posts: 167
Ron,
I am convinced that it certainly was not your fault. Even if you seemed to be willing at the time, the adult is entirely to blame. The adult should know better than to take advantage of a 9-year-old boy. Whether or not you had any knowledge of anything back then doesn't make any difference. An adult has absolutely no right to take advantage of a child. In 1961 at 12 I knew nothing about sex. The word wasn't even in my vocabulary. I grew up very sheltered. So when this man came along one day at camp, I had no idea what was happening. It was his fault, not mine. He was the one with the knowledge. He was the one that was wrong. Just like the one who molested you. He was wrong. He was in it for his own sadistic, perverted pleasure. He had no regard for how you would feel about it then or now. Again, even if you were a curious, willing child (I am not implying that you were), it doesn't make it your fault. The blame lies squarely on the adult.

I feel badly that after 20 years later you still have trouble with this. I really know exactly how you feel. I don't have all the answers either other than what I have said before that I just manage things as I go along.

In light of all the news about the priests, I saw a story about a man who had a one-time encounter with a priest when he was a 14-year-old boy. It affected him greatly. He is now in his 30s and when I listened to him talk he said something that, while not profound, is the same question I have had for many years. He said he would love to know how life would have been for him without having this one event in his life. I would like to know that myself as I am sure you would too. But since we can't turn back the clock we have to deal with the here and now and the future. I still think it wasn't fair but I have to live with it.

Take care of yourself, Ron.

Ted


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