I'm married and my wife and I have a hard time staying connected, mostly because of my past sexual abuse. We have gone through counseling, but just can't seem to get over the hump....any suggestions?

Hey Lars

As a man who has been married for nearly four decades my wife and I have spent untold hours untwisting issues from my past that have caused injury to our relationship. If you are interested and wish to talk more it might be easier on a direct post. Good luck my friend. Earlybird

emotional or physical connection?

I had NO SKILLS at relationships, intimacy, and being emotionally present/connected when I got married.

I STILL prefer to ditch all those healthy affirming behaviors and isolate.

The key for me is that I WANT things to be better, and am somewhat willing to work thru the issues that are in front of me today and that are blocking me from those I love.

CSA is a mountain of blockades we need to climb over, IT IS WHAT IT IS. Admitting that helps me to mourn, grieve, and look for help and answers and start on the road again.

I hope you wife can admit that you are where you are in life, and that there is something good there, you just need to work on it together and individually.

I'm blessed with an understanding wife who would have been justified leaving me more than once. She's working on her issues, me on mine, and us on ours-slowly.

Hi, my brothers,

Yes, it sure is very difficult for some of us, whom never were taught the intimate, emotional & social skills necessary in life.

For me, i was never into girls/females, never had anything to do with them since my perp had me and this little girl (we were about 8 yrs old) in a telephone booth, rubbing our little faces into his crotch & then having me and that little girl rub ourselfs together (clothes on). Then we all went into the cellar, & if anything further between me and that little girl
happened i haven't been able to recall.
But my first encounter with girls/females was in the military & we were on temporary duty somewhere and we ran the bars & whorehouses. Now I had to go with a girl (go through the motions) to her room, but with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, i told the "lady" that all she had to do was just sit there, don't touch me. I'll pay you and when the time is up i'll leave. After all i never wanted anyone of my military buddies to think that i didn't like girls/females, as in their minds then he must like boys. And it would alyways be pure hell from that point on.
But, i did have sex with 2 females in my life, one was a German woman who had picked this boys cherry at the ripe old age of maybe 27. Then years later in Germany, i got a lady pregnant, so i did take responsibility for my actions and i married her. We were (still are) married for 36 years (now seperated). It was an emotionless marriage for me. I am sure that she gave me all 100% of her love. But i had never posessed those vital skills. I in all reality should have never been married. As my real sexuality all along, under the surface was gay orientated.

Haunting past. My "mom" & Ralph did their emotional & sexual damage to that little boy.

For those of you, despite all odds still are making a go of it, you have my admiration. For me and my wife it is over.

Heal well my brothers, heal well.

Little Pete & big Pete, +71

Ken,

I sure can relate to this post and where you are at in your marriage. My wife and i have done counseling many times for many years. But we can't seem work things out. Maybe there are just too many issues that we each bring into this marriage to be overcome by us. Maybe we just got married for the wrong reasons.
But there has to be a time when you say enough is enough and move on so both of us may some day find some happiness in this life. Because for the most part i am happy where I am in my life today. Except for our marriage.

Something that Pete said in his post really hit me between the eyes. About his not having the skills to give his wife 100% of his love. How can we give something to others that had such damaging impact on our lives.
What does love mean? That someone expects me to be or do what they want in order to receive anything from them. That what is important is that I be what they want and who I really am is not important.
Love how can you give something that you have no real clue of what it is? Something that was never shown or modeled to you.
How can someone expect from you something you don't have inside of you?
Is not LOVE the unconditional acceptance of someone as he or she is? Not the expectation of what we want them to be?
How rare unconditional love really is!!!!!

Mike