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#324802 - 03/11/10 02:33 PM Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
I read a lot of news feeds and this article on Cinematical about Corey Feldman's appearance on Larry King Live talking about Corey Haim caught my attention. It struck me that it's these kinds of attitudes and lack of awareness that makes recovery so difficult:

Quote:
...Feldman actually had the nerve to blame all of us for not taking care of Corey Haim when he needed help. No, Haim shouldn't be responsible for his own actions -- instead, Feldman was upset that none of the people who were pouring nostalgic love on Haim following his death seemed to be there for the man right before his death, when he was living with his mother in an apartment with not a dollar to his name.

I'm sorry, but when did it become our job to make sure this kid remained clean? Did we not want him to appear in that cruddy Lost Boys sequel? Were we not supportive of every opportunity both Feldman and Haim had to reunite either on the big or small screen? Did we not watch and make fun of it all every step of the way? Dude, we were there. We've always been there. But at some point you have to man up and take responsibility for your life. You need to get clean and get your act together. That's not our job; it's his.

I decided that this was a chance for a "teachable moment" and posted the following comment on the thread:

Quote:
I didn't see this piece, but Feldman might be referring to the broader responsibility that society owes it's children to protect them from sexual abuse and, if they can't, to help them with the resources to survive and recover from it.

Both Haim and Feldman have said they were abused when they were teenagers and addiction is one of the ways people attempt to cope with the loss of trust and feeling betrayed by people supposed to protect and care for them. Let's take them at their word rather than deny what they have said.

Male Survivors of sexual child abuse are stigmatized in our culture and given very little in the way of resources to recover from what silence and inaction has allowed to happen to them. Men and boys are not permitted to be seen as victims and so our culture expects them to "be a man" and "get over it". The words in this article follow this cultural imperative to the letter saying "you have to man up" and that getting clean is "not our job; it's his".

Before judging Feldman's statement and Haim himself, take some time to review the mounting peer-reviewed clinical research that shows sexual child abuse changes the way the brain is wired, pre-disposes survivors to addiction, compulsion and a host of debilitating negative health outcomes. The latest research estimates showing that 1 in 6 men have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences before the age of 16. This abuse, and the attitudes and silence surrounding it, is hurting boys growing up in our society.

People do need to be accountable for their lives and choices, but blaming survivors for not being able to recover from abuse when we do nothing to help them is like denying help to someone injured in a car accident and then blaming them for not being able to heal themselves. It's simply illogical, unjust and cruel.

Perhaps sharing a little more context will help educate people and prevent them being so swift to blame the survivor. If you get a chance, please go to this post and give this comment a "thumbs up" if you agree with it.

-efm



Edited by Ever-fixed Mark (03/11/10 02:40 PM)
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#324803 - 03/11/10 02:55 PM Re: Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
Amen to that. It is horrendous sometimes that somehow a male child is superman. Even such a child with money and resources and being portrayed in movies with sexual content is not immune. As a matter of fact, at one point he disclosed that it was one of his handlers that did the abusing, essentially HIS OWN EMPLOYEE. But he depended on that person to keep him from harm and one day he is supposed to wake up as a teenage boy and say to someone, fire my babysitter.

We do need to "get over it" and we work VERY hard at it. What the people who say this mean is "go away and don't bother us with this". That hurts.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#324816 - 03/11/10 05:13 PM Re: Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim [Re: catfish86]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
His mother was living with him as she is going through chemo for cancer. He was taking care of her.
I didn't see Feldman's interview with King, but he's probably unconsciously lashing out at specific people whom he thinks let Haim and himself down over the years.




Edited by kidneythis (03/11/10 05:13 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#324820 - 03/11/10 05:23 PM Re: Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Mark this is a very powerful post. Thanks for sharing.

While all of survivors here were at one point victims there comes a time where playing the victim card isn't excusable anymore.

I was having a conversation with a very compassionate classmate and person I consider a friend and I disclosed my abuse to her, it was very powerful getting it out.

One of the things that she pointed out to me is that I can't let the abuse define me, just like when I finally figure out my sexuality, it's all a part of what shapes me. I think in some ways or days when I'm feeling depressed and alone, I want to play the victim card. I'm making an effort to change that and will be seeing my fourth therapist on Monday at my college.

Now one thing I've noticed for myself and maybe I'm hypocritical to say, but I think there can be blamed placed when one is attempting to get help but isn't getting the help they need or being told they need to get over it. Then I guess comes in the responsibility to find someone new who will listen. I think a small part of me wants to blame past therapists for not helping me, for not helping me make progress in my life.

Part of my making the effort again is I'm ready for change, tired of being alone and lonely, tired of feeling sorry for myself, tired of allowing myself to be walked over in small ways, yes I've become assertive but I realize I still have progress to make in my life.

Thanks for sharing and letting me share, my thoughts and personal experience with taking responsibility in my life.

Great thoughts Gentlemen.

Charlie.


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#325152 - 03/14/10 07:10 AM Re: Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I gave a thumbs-up to both you and Catfish when I went there.

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#325220 - 03/15/10 12:03 AM Re: Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
You guys should read this blog post. Very good analysis and very cool this person wrote this:

http://likeawhisper.wordpress.com/2010/03/10/gone-in-a-minute-corey-haim-and-child-sexual-abuse/

** I just ended up adding a comment; hopefully it passes moderation as I think it adds well to the discussion.



Edited by ericc (03/15/10 12:59 AM)

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#325225 - 03/15/10 12:51 AM Re: Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim [Re: ericc]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Eric I just read this blog post. Very powerful and it makes me think more and more about this whole situation.

I've learned more about myself from this tragic death. I have demons as well and while I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol I think I've found other ways in my life that these demons manifest. In a way I've learned how to control food in my life and don't eat enough. I also realize I've been looking at porn and that is probably another way I've fucked up my life. I know so much of my life I feel so out of control and just so lost at times that I have to find things to control in my life. Not healthy at all.

I feel like I'm doing the best I can in life.

I now wonder after reading this post and seeing the interview if Corey Feldman is privately blaming himself for this tragic death and also fighting any demons in his life from his own battle with csa.

This shit fucks survivors up badly.

I'm thankful Eric for you sharing this with and the blogger being so direct regarding the issues of csa.

We need to start talking about this shit and stop the bullshit that it doesn't happen to boys, cause we are fucking proof that it happens.

I'm angry but I'm also fucking tired of bullshit in life. Too much bullshit it seems.

Thanks for letting me get this shit out guys. It does help. Better than bottling it up.

Charlie.


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#325226 - 03/15/10 01:10 AM Re: Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim [Re: Charlie24]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
Hey Charlie,

Sometimes allowing yourself to feel that anger can help fuel the motivation for some positive changes. So no worries about that. Actually, it has been said that often anger not expressed but instead turned inward manifests as depression. And when we cannot express our anger, we internalize it. Any wonder we all get so depressed? Anyway, feel your anger. There is nothing wrong with being pissed about this stuff.

I added a comment to the blog post and hope it gets included. It speaks of what the silence does. I also mentioned addictive substance *and* behaviors. Addictions don't need to just be things we ingest. It can be anything we use to escape and numb.

Keep talking. This stuff is like poison inside and we need to talk, talk and talk about it to try and get it out. And one day at a time we need to try and make little things better in our lives. Slow improvements add up over time.

Eric


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#325262 - 03/15/10 11:28 AM Re: Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim [Re: ericc]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Originally Posted By: ericc
Hey Charlie,

I added a comment to the blog po.st and hope it gets included. It speaks of what the silence does. I also mentioned addictive substance *and* behaviors. Addictions don't need to just be things we ingest. It can be anything we use to escape and numb.

Eric


Great point ericc,
In my 30's I got sober and healthy for the first time in my life and for those years I used danger as a drug. I'd ride my motorcycle way faster than I knew I could safely control, took chances I knew I wasn't necessarily strong or skilled enough to handle on my mountain bike and when I went to road bike I would go downhill at 60+mph with my hands off the handlebars.
It was a jolt that made me feel alive and in control of something.
Now I think I might have been still being affected by the pain from my childhood that I couldn't define but I wanted to enjoy the new health I had. My body felt so good I didn't want to acknowledge it.


EDIT: Update in the LA Times yesterday there was an article that his death was from pre>


Edited by kidneythis (03/15/10 11:36 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#325297 - 03/15/10 05:49 PM Re: Corey Haim: Blaming the Victim [Re: kidneythis]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6806
Loc: USA
Please refer to an earlier discussion about the Coreys here:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=233441&page=1

It looks to me as though the press and the media like to completely avoid talking about the issue of their previous sexual abuse.

This is part of a much larger problem that we all have. "They" wish we would just disappear! "poof"

Here's an update on Brian Bonsall. So sad:

http://www.popeater.com/2009/12/07/brian-bonsall-arrested-family-ties-assault/


Allen

pufferfish whistle





Edited by pufferfish (03/15/10 05:54 PM)
Edit Reason: Brian Bonsall link added

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