Well said. Exactly right. Bingo.

Dear PSGuy-

I am not very good at words, but can say that I undersand your feelings. I too was molested by my father, a raging alcoholic. I had my hiding places where I would go when he came home from work (under the bed, under the house, hidden in the closet) but he always found me. I am a little boy stuck inside a man's body and I don't think that will ever change. For every older man I meet, my first desire is to please him sexually. I can go on and on, or try to analyze the situation, but in the end, the fact still remains - attraction to older men. For me, this is something that I need to control because it has gotten me into trouble many times.

Hi All

Just been reading the thread and connect with a lot of what has been discussed.

My brother was abused by my Uncle and then my brother started playings sex games with me. Ive never really thought of what my brother did as abuse as there is only 1.5 years between us but he did coerce me and I felt it was wrong at the time. I have no memory of my Uncle doing anything to me but I dont have much of a memory before the age of 8. My father left home when I was 8.

Ive always been attracted to older men. I came out as gay after years of confusion, shame, ect. but never been that confortable with being open about wanting to have sex with a father figure. Ive had relationships with older men that I have kept hidden from my "public" life.

Im 40 now and grey hairs are starting to show so being a "son" seems to be pushing it a bit. For me there is a big element of wanting to feel secure and safe, in daddys arms protected from the world. There is also physical and sexual pleasure but the emotional and psychological element is what attracts me.

One of the posts mentioned a "boy in a mans body", this struck a cord with me. I felt outside of the masculine as a young man. Issues of abandonment, insecurity, not being worthy enough acted as a block to my development. I had periods of drug abuse and homlessness. Being physicaly close to an archatypal father - big, strong, confident, secure - feeds my need to connect and absorb these elements into my inner emotional world.

Sometimes I get periods where I crave effection from a father figure. I visit gay saunas and have multipal sexual encounters, always with older grey haired stocky men. Ive realised the sex isnt what Im looking for but emotional connection with the masculine father.

Ive tried to make peace with my father after years of distance. Sometimes I think he may have abused me but have no memory of it. We still have a fairly distant relationship but get on ok now and he accepts my sexuality.

Not sure what my point is other than sharing my story. but glad there is a space to do so.

i was abused by my dad for years. most of my teen years, i hid that dirty secret. today it plays heavily on my relationships and has defined who i am.

Welcome to Male survivor Scotsman and CB,
I'm sorry to hear about your terrible experience. Hope you'll share and connect to others here. Please take some time and learn about resources available to us.
Maybe you could consider to repost your comments as separate threads in introduction part of board so other survivors could easy welcome you?
Be well!
pero

.

Yes I do....My husband and I are 8 years apart and he deffinitely uses a "big daddy" vibe to his benefit in our relationship. He and I don't let the rp take over, but he frequently will flirt with me and kid me about being hot or being younger than him....It is really all so silly, but it is nice too!!!!

Life's A dream, great post; I can really relate. My older brother perversely spanked me as part of his sexual abuse, and I later developed a spanking fetish as a result. Recently I recovered repressed memories about this happening for the first time, and now I'm starting to feel myself really pull away from those masochistic fantasies that were all tied back to him. Lately I found that this sort of porn started to hurt me emotionally and even caused more flashbacks to sexual abuse when I looked at it. I also developed a diaper fetish as a child from abusive incidents.

You're so right that these aren't just 'coincidences,' the deeper I delve into the reality of my past and examine how it's effected my life, the less coincidences I see in general. Like you, I also have outside evidence to prove my repressed memories are definitely true, not that I need that proof anymore since I beleive myself 100%. But both this and the imprinting are definitely real and valid.

I just want to know why my step-father thought so little of me that he make me afraid of everyone I meet and ashamed of myself. I want to know why my real father left me behind instead of protecting me and teaching me how to be a real man?

I want to know how I can undo these things.


Thanks you BobCat for a dream I am looking forward to having.

Strapper, welcome! While naturally I don't know your father or step-father, I can say with certainty that their reasons were about them, not you. It wasn't because there was something wrong with you or that you could have changed or been different and pleased them. It wasn't your fault, and regardless of what went on their heads, you deserved better. What they did was inexcusable, you had rights and deserved love and respect. I'm sure you're fine as you are and quite 'real' enough. Understanding and connecting with your feelings and examining the false messages the abuse sent to you will go a long way towards undoing the damage.