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#324570 - 03/09/10 07:13 PM Why was he dating when he knew he needed help??
lostlove75 Offline


Registered: 03/09/10
Posts: 9
I was dating this amazing man for the last 6 months. Everything was really great, we were talking about marriage, kids and even booked a 2 week trip to Europe this summer. About 2 weeks ago, after we'd had a bit of a dry spell in the bedroom, he dropped this bomb on me: he'd been abused as a child. I was shocked and felt so bad for him. But almost immediately he regretted telling me and then just broke up with me. I told him I still loved him, that nothing had changed and that I still wanted to be with him, but he just shut me out. When he came to get his stuff he was cold and almost mean, and simply said he "wasn't in it anymore". I am just so hurt and confused.

So my questions are these:

Why was he dating in the first place? We met online, and he pursued me. Afterwards he told me he had previously thought about getting help but hadn't. So why enter into a relationship that you know will only end badly (as all his previously relationships had).


How can he just go from "I love you" to it's over in a matter of days? It's like he just snapped his fingers and he was over me!

Did I scare him? He was just as into the big talks as I was.

Is there anything I can do? I still love him so, and am really finding it hard to just walk away without a fight. I want to be there for him. Do I give him space? Do I just walk away and thank him for saving me from potentially long and bumpy road?

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated,

Lost


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#324572 - 03/09/10 07:51 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: lostlove75]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I can't speak for him I have no idea who he is. I can tell you I've persued women knowing how badly it ususally, hell always ends. Back then I had hope that I'd find "it" and be cured or that she would somehow complete me and I'd no longer be so confused and broken.
I always had hope and that's my only excuse. Even when I was wanting to get laid I tried to make a connection just in case it was "her". It was never a maliscious thing on my part.

I don't date any longer for just that reason, I know now that it will end badly because I haven't gotten well yet. I'm not aware enough of myself and how I'm reacting to the stimuli of life to be able to be accountable to another person and to be able to deal with my own stuff without hurting anyone close to me. It's always inadvertant and I don't know how I do it but I always do. Or worse she sees how broken I am and wants out but can't say it out loud. Hell that only occured to me recently I would never see her POV so I was baffled and hurt and clutchinmg at a feeling that had nothing to do with her. Whomever her was at the time.

Hope that helps.



Edited by kidneythis (03/09/10 07:52 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#324587 - 03/09/10 10:15 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: kidneythis]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Dear Lost,

My heart just aches for you. This is hard stuff to live with. The CSA issues of trust and intimacy go so deep. Survivors crave closeness and fear it at the same time sometimes. I have no way to know where in his recovery your boyfriend is - not yet started or at the beginning. It is very hard not to take what feels exactly like a rejetion to heart. But I can assure you on some level this is about him and his reaction to getting genuinely close to you. He disclosed to you and it is possible he immediately felt overwhelmingly vulnerable. Vulnerability is not something survivors welcome in their lives. Too scary.

There is a lot for you to absorb before you decide whether or not to pursue your relationship with your boyfriend. I know it sounds trite, but there is reading involved and finding some support for yourself. If you would welcome it, I could give you the titles.

Loving and being involved with a survivor is journey not for the faint of heart. It is a unique, challenging road of self-discovery and much soul searching.

Be gentle with yourself. This is tough.

c.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#324674 - 03/10/10 02:58 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: cstjude]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
My husband disclosed to me....oh 15 or so years into the relationship.
I asked him why he ever married me when he knew he had issues and he said it was because he loved me and hoped they would go away.


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#324682 - 03/10/10 04:17 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: sugarbaby]
lostlove75 Offline


Registered: 03/09/10
Posts: 9
My question to you though is, you married him not knowing, but when did things start going wrong? What made him finally tell you? Did you always know you'd get through this?


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#324689 - 03/10/10 04:56 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: lostlove75]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hello Lost.

Here's my take. Your (former) boyfriend PROBABLY goes for extended periods of time without any kind of intimacy or love, and after so many years goes by, gets so desperate that he'll go out with anyone who isn't outright unattractive. At first, things will go by ok, but then the feelings of low self-worth, anger, depression, and despair set in, and he gives up on relationship, with your broken heart being an unwitting victim of the abuse that happened so long ago.

He PROBABLY thought that he had his shit together for a while, but muddled a bit to himself about the efficacy of maintaining an intimate relationship, then made a decision to not pursue it any longer; The pain of re-visiting his past, which is what intimacy and sex can do for victims of sexual abuse, eventually outweighed the positive experience of being loved and appreciated by someone else.

That's my take on it, anyway.


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#324767 - 03/11/10 09:58 AM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: lostlove75]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
Originally Posted By: lostlove75
My question to you though is, you married him not knowing, but when did things start going wrong? What made him finally tell you? Did you always know you'd get through this?


He had trouble adjusting when we had our kids. With the first one he started drinking a lot and staying away from home and then after a bit that all reversed. After the 2nd one 7 years later he just freaked out - basically. He was OK for the first year and then just all hell broke loose with the depression and drinking and such.

The church scandal with the priests was how it came out. It was not in a nice way where he went the therapy and felt OK and sat me down. One night he was freaking out screaming at the TV news about the priests and I had just had enough and I just kept screaming at him "what the f*ck is wrong with you?" and I wouldn't let off or say anything else and out it popped. I really don't suggest that method to anyone.

I still don't know if we will get through it, but, any relationship has risks so as long as today - this week - this month is OK, then I'm in it.


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#324772 - 03/11/10 10:41 AM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: sugarbaby]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Sounds to me like you are resenting him for not telling you before he married you. Maybe you need to examine what that is about.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#324780 - 03/11/10 11:58 AM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: lostlove75]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: lostlove75
...How can he just go from "I love you" to it's over in a matter of days? It's like he just snapped his fingers and he was over me!


you ask some excellent questions. so far... i can say that guys i've dated who had not yet dealt with abuse did exactly the same to me years ago.

sadly... i question whether the capacity to love was present at all. don't know. while it is easy to say, don't beat yourself up. you are not alone in this experience. maddening isn't it? smile

_________________________
Jeff

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#324785 - 03/11/10 12:09 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: westchesterguy]
lostlove75 Offline


Registered: 03/09/10
Posts: 9
Well as an update, things kind of exploded last night:(. Apparently my mom went to confront him (not knowing any details of the csa of course) about hurting me and he was so mad. He sent me a note this morning saying it was a very private issue and didn't concern my mom (and he's right). He thinks I'm crazy and said we must part ways for good. I'm so hurt, I love him and now he is really gone!


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#324830 - 03/11/10 05:57 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: lostlove75]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Dear Lost,

I am very sorry for your pain. Very sorry indeed. I hope you will mourn this loss and be able to heal.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#325241 - 03/15/10 03:45 AM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: lostlove75]
jnj Offline


Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
I can tell you how I used to be and that may help you.

I used to pursue relationships with the hope that being in a relasionship would drive away all the memories and feelings of disgust I had in myself. I just wanted to be a normal guy in a normal relasionship and have everything that would entail. However I had this huge monkey on my back that would only let me bond with a woman so far. I wanted to commit but just could not. I would get so far and think yes I can make a go of this and then BANG. I would weird and just leave.

However after being like this for most of my 20s I met a woman called C, I did the same thing and things went really well. Then as usual I went to do thing and run away, however this time it went a little differently. C would not let me go without a fight. C guessed that I had a secret about my past and fought to keep me from running.

We have now been married 7 years and we have a beautiful 3 year old girl and in about 2 weeks we will have a baby son.

There is light and I am not saying what worked for my wife will work for you but I hope it can smile

_________________________
I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

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#325269 - 03/15/10 12:06 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: jnj]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Responding to your last post; yes it is a private issue if he's talking about the CSA but your relationship is partly your families business. Your mother getting mad and confronting him about leaving you and hurting you is a normal thing to my mind. Make sure he knows that is what she was doing and that she had no knowledge of the CSA as you kept that private.
If it does shape up that you two work it out like jnj did then he'll eventually have to explain himself to the family but thats way down the road and not worth mentioning to him now.

I remember that fear of people knowing, and it was mainly based on shame that I'd been abused. Our society is very Spartan and victim blaming is a problem for the whole human race. It is so ingrained in us as a culture that Victims do it to themselves.
The numbers of people who don't blame the victim are small if growing and its gonna be a struggle to get him into therapy and to the point that he can accept that others know he was abused and still want to be near him. But most importantly don't see him as "damaged goods" for having been abused.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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