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#32384 - 01/07/03 11:36 AM Re: denial
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Affirmative! I find that usually when I push myself too much all I do is fall down!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#32385 - 01/07/03 05:26 PM Re: denial
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
hdan, andrew, les and wameni (think i spelled that wrong...sorry)......i really appreciate your support......But i so agree with you that sometimes the pain TOTALLY outweighs any possible benefit i can possibly imagine....I'm certain i have felt much worse facing this than i was before....I was miserable before, but not living in the constant turmoil i'm facing now......the dreams have gotten progressively worse, culminating in a dream about an 8-10 year old boy being orally and anally raped....that landed me in the hospital for a couple of weeks....i was prescribed risperdal that blocks my memories of dreams......i guess i thought that if my uncle really did those bad things to me it was because he loved me.....but the attack in the dream, if the boy in the dream is me, was animalistic and violent.......i was totally unprepared to accept that as being possible, though i do remember being 15 and showering at his house....i remember him coming into the bathroom, though he knew i was in there......i was so terrified....i still remember that, though i do not remember saying anything or him saying anything or anything that happened......my therapist said i was so terrified because at that moment i remembered the abuse or what had happened to me before.......

The mind is so bizarre..............how can i totally block things out for so long??????.......

Question for hdan, did your memory come back all at once or in bits and pieces over time????? just curious......

Thank you guys for being here........michael


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#32386 - 01/13/03 02:19 PM Re: denial
hdan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 43
Loc: Texas
MichaelB,

My memories are definitely coming back in pieces. I'm doing the EMDR process which helps bring back memories that have been blocked. It's so weird. Not the EMDR but that memories can be blocked and then they come back.

I have felt like you that I was better before I started to remember - when I was in complete denial. The denial was definitely better than what I am going through - but only for the short run I am told. I am told that once I can work through all of this (of course "working through" is sometimes still a mystery to me at times) it will far outweigh the pain of getting there. I can't believe that right now, but I will cling to the hope given to me by survivors.

Hdan


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#32387 - 01/13/03 02:54 PM Re: denial
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
hdan.....thank you so much for responding.....i so feel your pain, because it has been with me for so long.....what do you consider a "short time"?????? .......guess i've been in therapy a total of 18 months over the past 2 years and nightmares/flashbacks have continued and unfortunately for me, gotten worse over time.....the last one for me prompted my hospitalization, because i could not deal with the re-occurring nightmares of being forcibly raped.....well, guess it was me......it is like i'm above what is happening, but the feelings and pain are mine.....maybe my denial has prompted these things being so disturbing for me, my therapist thinks that is why they are so traumatic for me......

Please tell me about the EDMR.....think i have that right.....is that the rapid eye movement technique?????? so, you feel it is helping you?????......do you think your dreams/memories/flashbacks are real?????? i question all of mine and think my imagination must be causing them......i loved my uncle very much and guess i thought about having sex with him when i was a teenager, so i think that has to be what has caused the dreams to be so bad/violent.......i just hope with all of my being that is what is going on with me, still do not think i can really accept the thoughts that he abused me when i was so young (3 years old)......it so rocks my core being, that i know i'd rather be dead than accept it.......

if you ever need to talk, feel free to e-mail me......take care of yourself.......

michael


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