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#32374 - 12/31/02 12:55 PM denial
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
Will i ever be able to accept the abuse???? I've been in denial for so long and even though i am overwhelmed with evidence of the abuse i still try to deny..Will this "phase" ever end?????????? michael


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#32375 - 12/31/02 01:16 PM Re: denial
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
A quote of mine from the COMING TO TERMS FROM LOST CHILDHOOD post I think fits here too.

"I have heard it said that things won’t be revealed to us until we
are ready for them, and in my own recovery work I have come to
believe this is true. No matter how much of a hurry I’m in to be
done with this “recovery crap”(quoted from my words to myself)
things won’t present themselves to my awareness until the boy
in me can trust that the man in me can handle it and still feel safe
(whatever “it”is,) I will be blind to some issues."

Denial to me is a tool I use defend what needs to be protected in me. It is a gift that helps me to survive what is overwhelmingly painful. The more patience and tolerance I show the wounded child in me the more he will feel safe enough to reveal himself to me. Your impatience is all too familiar to me too. Hang in there man. Your anger and impatience is totally appropriate for those who hurt you as a child. Just don't blame the child just because you want to get at them. He deserves all the love you can muster for him. Keep venting, it has been the only way to a place of healing for me


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#32376 - 12/31/02 02:10 PM Re: denial
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
But, why do i persist on denying things?????

Accepting that the abuse occurred explains so much in my life. In some ways it lets me off the hook for troubled relationships, lack of trust, etc..... I realize how much i hate myself, but is it so deep that i cannot allow myself some explanation for my behaviors?????

Will i ever be able to accept things and not feel so tormented inside????? I've lived in a perpetual state of limbo for so long now, i'm not sure how much more of this i can endure...

But i know at my core, that i would give up everything, including my life, if the abuse were not true.

michael


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#32377 - 12/31/02 06:30 PM Re: denial
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
michael

My denial and doubt still take on larger-than-life proportions, not that the abuse occured (I've had my memories all along), but of the [bold]consequences[/bold] of the abuse. At times, when I'm not deep in the pain and grief, I can take comfort now with a deepening understanding of those consequences and impact of the abuse and family dyfunctions. How is it comforting? Because the M*&*@@!#&*(-ing shoe fits and it explains soooo much about who I am now. It explains the black hole of pain inside. At least this thing called recovery has a focus for me now and there are reasons for my cognitive distortions, rock bottom self esteem, etc. etc. etc.

I've been in the recovery, getting counsiling, "therapy" game off and on for over 22 years now. Mostly off. My denial finally took me down the road of alcoholism to the brink of death (c/s 16 months now). For me, that's what it took for me to finally wake up (just a bit) to the reality of needing to deal with my past.

michael, I truly hope that you don't have to play the brinkmanship game. It just adds to the pain and prolongs the time it takes to feel better.

You say you've lived in limbo for so long now. How long is long enough? I don't know. I do believe that you can endure it because as RJD points out, our denial/doubt does serve a purpose. Not only that but I think our brains can only handle so much pain at a given time, then unconscience protective measures kick in.

I clicked on the 91 ( Posts: 91 | From:...) at the bottom of your post, listing what you've written. I didn't read everything but skimmed through them. You've shared a lot of your pain and frustration here. You've also shown compassion and understand for others with good insights. Give yourself some credit. This all takes time, a lot of time to recover from.

A good road map for the affects of abuse can be found at *caution, possible trigger* http://www.malesurvivor.org/articles/ODea.htm *caution*. Like hey babe, my denial can't find too many arguments with what is written there, or say 'nope, doesn't apply to me'.

I'm working with a good T now and have to (want to) believe, and do, that he has a road map to get me to where I want to be and to resolve a lot of my traumatic issues. Now if I could only pay him to do it for me...

There are answers out there.

-jer


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#32378 - 01/02/03 02:53 PM Re: denial
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
I just never thought this journey would be so painful. I'm not sure if remembering everything is harder or easier, but i guess it will/would give me some sense of peace. Remembering bits/pieces has been very easy for me to rationalize that it must just be my imagination..

Though the explicit dreams of being raped has forced me to realize that what was done to me was not out of love, which i had felt.......it was very animalistic if the dreams i have been having are flashbacks as my psychiatrist suggests...

I guess i'm lucky that i have been able to overcome the thoughts of drowning myself in alcoholism, but i saw what that did to my father and realized that is not a viable solution. But for me , for so long, suicide has seemed like the only solution.

I go through phases where i can think about nothing else but ridding myself of this internal conflict...

michael


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#32379 - 01/06/03 09:16 PM Re: denial
hdan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 43
Loc: Texas
I'm just at the start of my recovery like you. I have just recently remembered the abuse that I went through, even though some of it occured during high school. I often wonder how did I forget all of this? At times it seems that I was better off before I started remembering stuff. However, I try to recall to mind some friends that have made it through recovery and how much better they are doing now. It's not easy by any means, but worth it.

hdan


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#32380 - 01/06/03 09:31 PM Re: denial
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Welcome hdan.
Sorry for the pain that brings you here. It sounds like you already know a little about the road ahead of you. Please know that there is much heart here. Your truth is very welcome in these parts.


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#32381 - 01/06/03 10:57 PM Re: denial
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Hdan, I started recovery about 18 months ago. You're right, it isn't easy, and it is worth it. You're off to a good start, especially coming here!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#32382 - 01/07/03 03:24 AM Re: denial
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Michael. Our minds are wonderous things, clouding and shielding us from pain ... blunting the horrors that befell us. And in time, slowly, but not always, revealing to us our histories. And just as the layers of an onion are peeled away, so are our defenses peeled away and the core of our pain exposed. It takes time Michael. Sometimes lots of time. Denial is OK. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to your sensibilities.

You said:

"I guess I'm lucky that I have been able to overcome the thoughts of drowning myself in alcoholism, but I saw what that did to my father and realized that is not a viable solution. But for me,for so long,suicide has seemed like the only solution. I go through phases where I can think about nothing else but ridding myself of this internal conflict..."

I'm not sure this is luck Michael. I would characterize it as strength, your strength shining through and overcoming the pain. Please know something Michael, that as you remember things, either through dreams or memory, all the good & magical things that make up being you, will always far outweigh the dark intentions of your assaulter(s). Peace....Andrew


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#32383 - 01/07/03 04:25 AM Re: denial
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
I agree with Andrew about patience. Patience isn't easy right now where you are in recovery. I've done much better over the years when I don't push myself too hard.

Mo Healing


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#32384 - 01/07/03 11:36 AM Re: denial
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Affirmative! I find that usually when I push myself too much all I do is fall down!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#32385 - 01/07/03 05:26 PM Re: denial
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
hdan, andrew, les and wameni (think i spelled that wrong...sorry)......i really appreciate your support......But i so agree with you that sometimes the pain TOTALLY outweighs any possible benefit i can possibly imagine....I'm certain i have felt much worse facing this than i was before....I was miserable before, but not living in the constant turmoil i'm facing now......the dreams have gotten progressively worse, culminating in a dream about an 8-10 year old boy being orally and anally raped....that landed me in the hospital for a couple of weeks....i was prescribed risperdal that blocks my memories of dreams......i guess i thought that if my uncle really did those bad things to me it was because he loved me.....but the attack in the dream, if the boy in the dream is me, was animalistic and violent.......i was totally unprepared to accept that as being possible, though i do remember being 15 and showering at his house....i remember him coming into the bathroom, though he knew i was in there......i was so terrified....i still remember that, though i do not remember saying anything or him saying anything or anything that happened......my therapist said i was so terrified because at that moment i remembered the abuse or what had happened to me before.......

The mind is so bizarre..............how can i totally block things out for so long??????.......

Question for hdan, did your memory come back all at once or in bits and pieces over time????? just curious......

Thank you guys for being here........michael


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#32386 - 01/13/03 02:19 PM Re: denial
hdan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 43
Loc: Texas
MichaelB,

My memories are definitely coming back in pieces. I'm doing the EMDR process which helps bring back memories that have been blocked. It's so weird. Not the EMDR but that memories can be blocked and then they come back.

I have felt like you that I was better before I started to remember - when I was in complete denial. The denial was definitely better than what I am going through - but only for the short run I am told. I am told that once I can work through all of this (of course "working through" is sometimes still a mystery to me at times) it will far outweigh the pain of getting there. I can't believe that right now, but I will cling to the hope given to me by survivors.

Hdan


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#32387 - 01/13/03 02:54 PM Re: denial
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
hdan.....thank you so much for responding.....i so feel your pain, because it has been with me for so long.....what do you consider a "short time"?????? .......guess i've been in therapy a total of 18 months over the past 2 years and nightmares/flashbacks have continued and unfortunately for me, gotten worse over time.....the last one for me prompted my hospitalization, because i could not deal with the re-occurring nightmares of being forcibly raped.....well, guess it was me......it is like i'm above what is happening, but the feelings and pain are mine.....maybe my denial has prompted these things being so disturbing for me, my therapist thinks that is why they are so traumatic for me......

Please tell me about the EDMR.....think i have that right.....is that the rapid eye movement technique?????? so, you feel it is helping you?????......do you think your dreams/memories/flashbacks are real?????? i question all of mine and think my imagination must be causing them......i loved my uncle very much and guess i thought about having sex with him when i was a teenager, so i think that has to be what has caused the dreams to be so bad/violent.......i just hope with all of my being that is what is going on with me, still do not think i can really accept the thoughts that he abused me when i was so young (3 years old)......it so rocks my core being, that i know i'd rather be dead than accept it.......

if you ever need to talk, feel free to e-mail me......take care of yourself.......

michael


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