OK...This is not easy to write, but I'm hoping that writing will help me keep getting better.

For much of my life, I considered myself 'normal' (loaded word, I know, but work with me here). Then, one summer, I had a very fleeting but extremely intense sensation that I now call a flashback.

I didn't know what it was then, and it didn't knock me out, but it did linger with me.

It was an electric shock on my right thigh, but not a shock. It was a woman's hand caressing me. Except it wasn't the 32 year-old me, the one who was having the flashback; it was a teenage me.

And I knew somehow, in this memory-but-not-memory, it was my mother's hand.

Miraculously, I was able to let it go that summer, because I definitely had enough going on then.

But the flashback didn't go away, and a while later, I started to look at it, trying to figure it out, and I opened a can of worms that are going to keep turning up for the rest of my life.

There are what I call memories (not sure they are, but don't know what to call them) about my brother, too, and in a way they are worse.

I've been working on this stuff for years now, and for the most part I manage pretty well. I can go for long stretches without worrying about it all.
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Earlier this year, though, Mom died. I had a little bit of a warning she might go, and I was aware that this could trigger something, so I am not surprised that it has.

But I am surprised, and troubled, by what it triggered.

Last week I was brushing my teeth in the morning, and decided that since Mom had died, it was better just to let the memories and questions go. In my head, I was listing things, calling up images that had troubled me, and telling myself after each one to just let it go.

I thought it was working.

Then I noticed I had an erection. It was like I was aroused by the memories of my deceased mother. I'm trying to cut myself some slack for that, but it is not easy. It dishonors her memory, and to me it indicates that this wonderful woman never did what I thought she might have, but that in the most innocent of gestures I was the one who read something erotic.

So maybe the problem is with me.

I've definitely got problems.

The other day I was thinking about how she would come into my room when I was dressing or undressing. Somehow there was always something she needed to tell me then, or a question she needed to ask. This was especially true when I'd come home from something athletic, and was changing out of my sweaty clothes, still in athletic form.

Whether it was appropriate for her to do that or not is beside the point at the moment.

I was thinking about it the other day, and was very, very aroused. It was like I was fanasising.(See? that's why I wrote the 'I'm messed up' bit in the subject line.) Fantasising about her watching me as I show off my physique.

I am very ashamed of this, and am afraid, too, that it suggests the eroticism of acts and memories was always in me, and that I have been accusing my mother of something awful when in fact I am the one in the wrong.

To think that it is not all in me is not any less scary, really. The recognition that I eroticise it all, regardless of whether there was abuse or not, is tough for me to swallow.

About my brother, I've been fantasising about him, too. I'm not gay, but lately I have imagined myself giving him oral sex, and the images don't bother me particularly. What pains me is that I am not repulsed my these scenes. There is something exciting about them to me.

That part is new. Years ago I would have been nauseated by things that now I fantasise about.

When my guard is down, does my true self come out?

I am not an abuser--not even close and never will be, never could be. THAT is not me.

I am not gay. I am not interested in men, and can be very interested in women. At the same time, these scenes with my brother can be erotic for me.

I am aware that some people would tell me it is common for CSA survivors to experience some kind of arousal when confronting memories. I'm sorry for my brothers here who go through that, and I can relate.

I am really wondering, though, whether with me there is also something else going on. Is it possible that I am only now able to admit an unhealthy eroticism in myself, and that this flaw is the root of what I thought were memories?

Is there any acceptable excuse for eroticising memories of my recently deceased mother?

I know it is possible that all of this is just part of the painful journey which I did not choose for myself, but on which my family sent me.

But, if so, it is a new part of the journey for me, and a scarier stretch of woods than any I have been through for quite some time.

L2R:
It is pretty common for those who were prematurely exposed to sexual stimulation to put the arousal on objects and people that shouldn't be erotic to them. This is one of the frequent discussions around here about male survivors who are not gay to have thoughts of performing oral sex on males or being in sexual situations that can replay the abuse or seem like fantasies which are unwanted.

Ditto with Mom. Survivors often have confusion about nurturance (something that comes natural for most kids with their parents) and sexual or erotic feelings. Often teenagers, as their bodies are developing, want to get attention/recognition/acceptance for the new sexuality (breasts in girls, muscle developmnent for boys) and they will "flirt" or show off in subtle or not-so-subtle ways to a parent because it is (or should be) safe. Working through the grieving can bring up memories of her nurturance for you and the premature erotic experiences and later memories/fantasies can be part of that nurturance/erotic feeling.

I've worked with many abusers who took the above into sexual situations because they distorted the child's need for approval,etc. into "S/he wants to be sexual with me" and they abused the child.

It sounds like you have some good issues to work on in therapy. Hopefully you have an experienced therapist who can process these feelings/thoughts with you.

L2r

I'm glad you can be so honest. One layer of the onion has been removed. You must have some insight that getting honest about what is happening is a step closer to removing the shame.

For myself i remeber two times of feeling sexual around my adoptive mother, and many times around my adoptive sisters. I never iniated, well think i did with my sisters, but never with mom. I was so abandoned by my natural mother that i didn't want this sex thing involved with my relationship with my new mom.

But like ken said being exposed to sex so early in life, we got some understanding of it, at least that it felt good. Today, i don't really talk about my sexuality to people. I'm not hiding any thing it's just none of their business. Just a word of advice.

Also, like you until i could get an understanding of my sexual impulses, i felt stuck, and i'm glad your searching your heart for what is in there. I hope your search will continue, because for me understanding my feelings has given me a freedom of fear, you know of WHAT'S IN THERE? I have better impulse control and also i know what is happening when i have inappropriate thoughts. I don't beat myself up over them or go into this shame circle. I say o.k that was one of those, and i let the thought go, the feeling leaves soon afterword. Then i say, I DID IT! I don't feed certain thoughts, i starve them really, i know they are there and it's o.k becasue i don't feel the need to act on them. I hope this is making sense, the exploration will give you power and knowledge, then acceptance.

Take care


Gus

Wow man,

Memories have a way of coming out when it is safe.

For me, it happened last year several months after the death of the abuser-I've run into others who have experienced the same thing.

Seems like you know your mother watched you as a teen get undressed, half naked, etc. That is abuse.

The abuse I remembered initially was about negative messages, sex-phobia from my mother-she frowned up my dating girls, to put it mildly. My dad never discussed sex-that was abusive. My sister tried to stop me from making out with her friend when we were both teens-that was abusive. Her friends told me guys/sex/etc. were disgusting, that was abusive to my developing sexuality.

Then my brother died and memories of worse abuse (actual physical, sexual abuse) came out.

I dont' know if this is your journey, but the confusion, sorting out flashbacks and seeing clearly the origins of the things that today excite me sexually is the page I am on in my recovery today.

(You mentioned in a post we were on recently about refraining from M for some time-that could be why these memories and feelings are coming out-abstaining from unhealthy, compulsive, and self-centered sex puts me a road to really process stuff in healthy, conscious ways, including in my dream life.

Thanks for sharing-it tells me I'm in the right place.

Thanks a lot.

These and other feedback I've received lately are perfect examples of why I turn to this sight.

I thought that other people might be able to relate, and that in finding people who can help explain I will feel less alone and even sense some affirmation that I might not be making stuff up.

This is such a safe space for me to say things.

Just so you know, Ken, I am getting help from someone who knows what she is doing. Malesurvivor and the work with my therapist can complement each other in very positive ways.

Interestingly enough much of what y'all are saying I think I have read before, but it didn't seem as relevant to me then. Now it is, so I needed to read someone saying it to me, not just find it in a book or in another post.

If I find it somewhere else, I tend to think I am processing things in a way just to make it fit what I have read. If, on the other hand, I try to be totally honest and up front about what I'm thinking and feeling, then I know the responses I get are speaking to me, and they give me the help I need.

Thanks again.

I'M much better this week. Thanks again for the help everybody?

I did't mean for it to be a question, so I'll say it again. Thanks again, everybody.

One of the people helping me with my abuse and with the loss of my mother send me the following lines in an e-mail. I thought I just had to share them.


"I don't believe it honours the dead to pretend they were perfect; and once we have admitted ordinary human fallibility in those we have loved who have died, that surely has to include being honest about their weaknesses and ways in which they may have hurt us. In finding ways to deal with any pain in the present, you will be more likely to become the person God wants you to be -- and *that* will truly honour your Mom's memory."

i'm glad you're feeling better about things. i think the message in the email is right on target. life is rarely easy, but its pains can be manageable, and often can help us to become better persons if we approach it with the right attitude.

warm regards,

ron