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#323178 - 02/24/10 09:03 AM CSA & Military service
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Greetings my brothers.

Another post about one of our brothers contemplating joining the US armed forces inspired me to post this thread. I look forward to your repies.

Original post: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=323177&#Post323177

First off. Thanks to all of my fellow brothers who served, still serve or are considering joining the US Armed Forces. BZ on your decisions.

Just as J.R. said, if you have any questions on joining either active or reserves, please don't hesitate to ask.


5 years active duty U.S. Navy & 15 years guard/reserve myself. Almost finished w/ my military career since I had a couple of breaks in service.

Does anyone else find it interesting that so many of us joined the service after high school?

Quote:
Here are my thoughts/questions

Why did you join the military?

Did you achieve above or below the average soldier,sailor or airman? I have a sense the answer is that most of us overachieved since we were so happy just to be away from our past, at least in terms of physical miles.

How did you experiences help/hinder your healing from CSA?

Did anyone else have trust issues w/ their fellow service members? Did you feel, like I did, that people were out to get you and that they were conspiring to deny you promotions, good details or talk about you behind your back?

Did you join just to escape your house/CSA?


It was definitely a way to escape and leave my csa behind me, or so I thought, and start anew.

Wish that I would have addressed my CSA beforehand (Don't we all?). It would have made for a much better enlistment.

As always, take care and please feel free to post as you are able, either on or off-line.

Jay
CSA survivor
Life member VFW

_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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#323190 - 02/24/10 02:03 PM Re: CSA & Military service [Re: westsidej]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 210
Loc: Oregon
I joined the Army for the opportunities and to try and figure out what self-discipline is. I also joined to run away from my life in Oregon. I lasted 2 1/2 years and requested that I be discharged. I worked in the OR or sterile processing, I averaged 12 to 14 hours a day with 7 days on and 2 off followed by 10 on 4 off. I worked in section designed for 12 people, the 4 of us that ran sterile processing all worked insane hours. I would call it a positive experience overall, but would not go back.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#323193 - 02/24/10 02:21 PM Re: CSA & Military service [Re: westsidej]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Jay,

I know for me that joining the Marine corps was a way out. In childhood I never had the dreams of being a fireman,baseball player,doctor and etc. As a kid I never could imagine surviving past 18.
Three months before I graduated my mother told me that I had a month after graduation to be out of the house. Not that I blame her now because at the time of I full of anger and rebelliousness.
Also my grandfather had serve for over 30yrs in the Navy and my father had done 24 in the Army. So the military was my only real option that I saw at the time. I couldn't see staying in Fayetteville N.C.not allot of opportunities employment wise. And at some basic level I knew that I needed to escape from there (home) if I was ever to grow up as a man.
At first I excelled within the structure of the Corps. Never before had been in a environment in which there were guide lines so that I knew what was expected of me. My first year I was stationed in Okinawa and all my reviews were excellent. But once I got stationed at Camp Pendleton,Ca things began to change. My distrust of authority began to kick in I started to see the issues of people stepping on each other in their desire to get promoted or get out of certain activities or duties. As my distrust and dislike for the politics of military grew so did my destructive appetite for using alcohol and drugs to escape the reality that I found increasing unacceptable. Just as had happened in my home of origin. It was at this time that i realized that I had some issues that needed to be addressed but the Marine Corps was unable or unwilling to provide the help I needed. So the Marine Corps and I parted ways.
But I owe the Marine Corps allot for it taugh me allot about life and myself.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#323199 - 02/24/10 04:05 PM Re: CSA & Military service [Re: westsidej]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Well, for me as a young boy i was into the Army Air Forces/US Air Force. At around 10 years old, i knew what i was going to do when i turned 17. While I was in that orphanage/Home, i had a cousin (more like a brother) who was in the Air Force, and he sent me a pair of his flight engineer wings plus what ever rank that he was he sent me a pair of stripes. He was the only one who ever wrote to me there. I had a donated red jacket, and i put the wings on it and had sewn the stripes on it. That jacket was like skin to me. I wore it all the time and that was my prized possession.

But, i would say that even before that time, when i was being sexually abused by my male aggressor, and i was around 8 years old when he started on me, i would quite often think that i WAS in the Army Air Forces. At times my body was there but my mind was elsewhere. I was just crazy about the AAF.. I had uniform parts, i had scrap books of all the Army Air Forces aircraft with all the specifications. Being that i never wanted to be at "home" i was always hanging around at the airport in Boston, and they had an Air National Guard squadron stationed there, and i was always hanging out there, i was (i guess) sort of their mascot.

Then,one Sunday my "mom" visited me at the orphanage/Home with a strange man, (strange to me) asking for my permission to marry my "mother" and he would take me into his household. I was 14 years old. You see I was the "MAN" of the house. My "mom" was already emotionally, physically, mentally & sexual abusing me. Her sexual abuse started on me when I was 5 years old.

Well, we moved out from Boston, to the country, and i was not a very happy boy. The biggest mistake i ever made was giving him my "permission" to marry my "mom". I was always running away from home, and my most prized possessions went with me. It was a tattered US flag and my air plane models. Here i am a 14 year old boy hitchhiking back to Boston, with my flag & air plane models. My mind was always on becoming 17 years old and i was already convinced that i was going to be a 20 year man.
At 14 years old i joined the Civil Air Patrol, and we wore the same uniforms as they did in the Air Force, with the exception we had our own collar brass and stripes. There we learned about the Air Force, and i got to fly in a CAP piper cub, i was an observer learning to spot a supposed crashed air plane. But we had pay for the gas for the airplane, so i had to find somewhere to work to make the money for the gas. And i did.I was 14 yrs old.
We went in the summer time for 2 weeks to live on an Air Force base. Being we were in Massachusetts, i got to go to Otis Air Force base, on Cape Cod, while we were there we marched every where, we ate in the mess hall, we slept in the barracks. During the day we went to different squadrons for briefings on what they do. ie, crash/rescue (boat), flying squadrons, what the pilots had to do, what the enlisted men had to do. And on the next summer.i was then 15, we went to Sampson, AFB, in New York, it was a basic training base for the newly enlisted Airmen.
So by now i definitely knew what i was going to do & be.

However, while i was 16 years old, and i wanted to get away from them, my "mom", "stepfather", i was already gone from Ralph, my lover. I has secretly tried to enlist in the Air Force. I talked to the recruiter, i had already produced a forged birth certificate, making me 17 years old. I had always looked older than i was. I took the test & physical, passed and all that needed to be done was to have, my "mom" sign the papers, as i wasn't 18 years old. So being we lived in the country, the recruiter came to where i lived and he had the enlistment papers with him, all that needed to have was her signature. Well, she refused to sign. The recruiter had asked her why, and she told him that I'm only 16 years old, and she will not sign. Well i told my "mom" to sign those goddamn papers NOW, i want out of here. She refused telling him & me, that Peter might change his mind and want out, and come back "home". Well the recruiter was pissed, to say the least. But he asked my "mom" that when Peter turns legally 17, would she sign the papers? She told him yes. So just before my 17Th birthday, i went back to the Air Force recruiting station & he was still there, so he made up the enlistment papers, i got a train ticket & a meal ticket, for me to go to Boston and take the tests & physical, i passed again, my "mom" signed the papers and on my official 17Th birthday, i was sworn in, and on my way to Lackland AFB, San Antonio, Texas. Free at last, from all that sexual, mental, physical & emotional abuse. free at last.

So, i joined for 2 reasons, #1. Patriotism. #2, to get away from all that abuse as far as possible.
I, never went to high school. I had a completed 8Th grade education. But in May of '58, i got my Air Force GED high school diploma.

As far as experiences from the CSA helping/hindering me.
Well, the sexual abuse, was buried in my mind. I never thought what was being done to me sexually (at that time) was abuse. I thought it was what a "mom" was supposed to do, and that Ralph had loved me and i had loved him too.
However, i was still running away, i didn't know why, consciously, but i was running away from myself. I started drinking while I was 16 and i became a full fledged alcoholic while in the Air Force. I got in a car wreck while I was stationed on Okinawa, and i turned myself in to the social actions office, and on my last session with my councilor, he told me, Sarge, "you can't run away from your self". What did he know or realize that i didn't? So went to my AA meetings, got the 12 step book and read a lot, learned allot about myself. But the sexual abuse was still buried in my soul. What i was knowingly still running from was that emotional & mental abuse. And that was being told that i was useless, worthless & would never amount to anything. That was drilled into my head for 17 years, and that was always on my conscious mind. From that point on, I MADE myself feel that i was indeed all that. Why try? When i had already convinced myself of those things.

I would say that i was an overachiever, but my lack for authority
kept me in trouble at times. I was always still a loner, i only had one or two trusted friends. I really don't think that anyone was out to get me. I was always distanced from the other men around me.
As far as promotions went, i was disappointed at times, as i always gave 100+% to everything that i had to do.
But, as far as out to get you, well, maybe when it came time for your supervisor to rate me on the Airman's performance report, i always took hits on my respect for authority & getting along with others. But as far as doing my military work, i always got superior. But that was offset by my lack for authority & getting along with others. But in the Air Force you had to take tests for promotions and who got the higher combined number of points for the promotion, got it.
Now, I usually got the good conduct medal, for good behavior. I only missed out once, and that was for being an accessory to an assault on a NCO, (the ONLY time that i was sober) when out with my drinking buddies.
However as i got older, and started to trust more persons, i got more respect in return.

I had one break in my military career, it was for a convenience of the government discharge. I had already taken a early discharge reenlistment. But i got "religion", seriously. I thought that i had the calling to become a priest (OK, OK) no snickering out there. So i was discharged COG, to enter the seminary. I went to the seminary to become a priest for about a month, as i surely didn't have the educational level to become one. (remember i only had a GED) high school diploma. So i decided to become a working religious Brother. Like some of the ones that i was with in that orphanage/Home. Well, that lasted for about 10 months. My problem was, that i just couldn't give up my compulsive M, no way, not even for God. Plus there were overflights of Air Force B-52 bombers, (there must have been a bombing practice area) in that part of Iowa. Well, then i finally made up my mind, i really was at home in the Air Force after all. So i turned in my habit, went back to Boston, went to the recruiting station & signed up as a prior service member, and away i went, i was finally home, finally found my true value, finally will be to tell my "mom" see you are DEAD wrong, as i was useful, i was worth something & indeed became someone.
After 23 years in the Air Force, i retired. I earned various awards & decorations. Plus there is even a holiday in MY honor, you see "mom" (she's long dead). It's me, your worthless, useless, never amount to something sexual toy, of a son. MY holiday (Veterans Day). The awards & decorations on MY retired uniform. I proved you DEAD wrong, in the end.

Now, all my sexual abuse memories didn't surface until August of 2008. It has been living hell (at times) ever since.

I love my country, I love my flag, I served her well.
Now she is taking care of me in my senior days.

I hope that this is what you were looking for, my, brother Jay. If you need more about my feelings, please let me know.

Heal well my brothers, heal well.
Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irish Moose.)

Life member. Vietnam Veterans of America.
Life member, Disabled American Veterans.
Life member of the U.S. Air Force.
Life victim of Child Sexual Abuse.



Edited by petercorbett (03/05/10 11:44 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#323244 - 02/25/10 01:46 AM Re: CSA & Military service [Re: petercorbett]
westsidej Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 150
Loc: Minnesota
Peter, Mike & Mike,

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. That was exactly what I was looking for!

It sounds like all of us had difficulties while in the service since we ran away from, but didn't address our CSA. I was hoping, though not happy to know, that I wasn't the only one who had problems in the service.

I did okay on active duty, made E-5 in just over 4 years and almost stayed in but wanted to start school, thought I was "healed" & had too many issues w/ the people I served with. I had a hard time trusting my fellow sailors and so I just worked out, read & never really hung out w/ anyone or felt like I belonged w/ any group in my unit. Never had a girlfriend in Virgina where I was stationed for my entire enlistment. I felt like damaged goods, insecure and I felt girls could spot that a mile away.

The one thing I didn't do, or ever have thankfully, is drink too much. My dad was an alcoholic (suffered CSA as well) but quit when I was born. My mom was both an alcoholic and a long term drug user. They both sold drugs for awhile but my mom much more so. My dad actually ended up on probation and spent a little time in lock-up.

For some reason, I just never sought solace in the sauce. Honestly, I think that was one reason I didn't fit in w/ the military since it was, and still is in many respects, primarily a drinking culture. Pull into port, go to the red light district, get drunk, get a hooker and get some local food after eating in the galley for months on end. I preferred USO tours and seeing the local musuems/shops/restaurants.

I did do some and all of the above but just not nearly as much as most of my ship/squadronmates. I can count on one hand the number of times I was drunk in my five years of active duty. The other things listed above much more than that. wink

My problems came once I transferred to the reserves after leaving the structure of active duty. I started missing drills, going but then getting frustrated over the lack of work or friendship, changed units several times thinking that was the problem (didn't see at the time that it was me!), changed branches of reserve service for the same reason, skipping out on military schools at the last minute, not showing up or calling at the last minute saying there was a "problem" and that I couldn't make it in and not completing tasks assigned to me when I was there.

Currently, I am on a one year leave of absence so I can take care of my parent's home since they're now divorced and it's in total disrepair.(yes, the very same one where I was molested for years!!!) Talk about flashbacks every time I drive back to Chicago. My dad still lives there and it's totally in the f'ing hood and a scared straight (not that way wink reminder of why I joined the military every time I exit off of the Eisenhower and drive past the drug dealers, gang bangers, hookers & abandoned tagged buildings.

Also, to heal my marriage from not dealing w/ the CSA, childhood neglect, and while I figure out if I want to pursue a commission before I am too old to apply. Now, that I have my degree after 19 years of trying, a life-saving therapist, you guys here on ms.org and my CSA support group, I finally am at a point where I want to try and "catch up" so much as I am able on those lost decades of my life.

There's still another two years for me to earn a commission in the reserves and after all that I went through, I want to see if I can not just help others, but myself as well and live up to my full potential that was crushed by my molestation for too long. (Crying a little right now)

So, thank you all again. I'm very touched by your stories and honored that you shared them w/ me/us. It allowed me to return the favor more easily knowing I wasn't alone, anymore. I'm proud to be your CSA and military brother.

Jay




_________________________
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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