I appeared here 9 months ago, approximately, and it has been eventful. I've started talking with my therapist about this and I think it is time to fill in a couple of blanks.
Their names were Ervin, Troy and Tony, I met Ervin on May 28th, in a bar, we talked because he was wearing blue leather shoes, I noticed for some reason and had to comment. He knew the second part of the nice shoes comment and ran with it. We ended up hanging out for about 5 hours talking. I suggested that we get together the next day, in a hotel room.
Fast forward 16 hours, we met up and got the room. I said no 3 times that night, and was "punished" each time.
First time i was struck and told to never tell me no again. The second time, I said no to smoking crack, I was suffocated and only allowed to breath exhalation of a hit of crack.
The third time I was choked unconscious. I can't really remember what I was thinking at the time (if I was thinking at all), but i think I thought I was going to die. When I woke up, Troy was waiting, Ervin and Tony had left, we had the most intense sex of the night (or maybe my life), I still feel it when I close my eyes.
In a weird way I think I am still looking for an experience to be better or more intese, something to make it stop being there when I close my eye.
I have a late class on Wednesdays, I spend about 3 hours in the library doing homework, and every Wednesday I see Tony and I want to jump him (I am unsure if I mean to kill him or fuck him). It really messes with me.
I called this non-violent at first, because there were no marks, but I have reconsidered, this was the most violent act I have ever had happen to me.

Edited by philistine (02/26/10 01:26 AM)

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche