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#323069 - 02/23/10 06:51 AM How Would My Parents React? CONTINUED...
tony1990 Offline

Registered: 02/22/10
Posts: 11
I suppose I seem angry with the first post because I actually am. They trusted this man because he had a position in church. They were very narrow-minded and religious and the questions I asked you parents I apologize. My anger was not placed right, I think it's admirable that you support and love your sons after they told you. I really don't know how they would react if I told them. I don't know if they were simpletons or not concerning the belief that boys don't get molested. Perhaps it was their way of trying to make me feel safe at that young of an age. Either way they were still fair enough parents. I do know that they love me. I figure aside from the shame of them finding outwhat happened; I also wouldn't want them to stop loving me either. I know that they are extremely homophobic and just the mention of me sometimes enjoying the affection of a man would cause them to disown me. If the first post had an air of hostility in it I do humbly apologize.

Take care friends and family of survivors. Your suppport here is invaluable. I'm reading your post and responses. smile thank you all

#323108 - 02/23/10 03:47 PM Re: How Would My Parents React? CONTINUED... [Re: tony1990]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5954
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Thank you for your honest and sincere words.

While manners dictate a certain level of respect for our elders, here, well, its a bit different.

You have been hurt, criminally. Your abuser has broken the naive and innocent trust you have for authority, other people and yourself, so it is natural and acceptable to be angry.

Please, continue to talk this out as you come to grips with the abuse and the stages and steps of recovery. There will be times when you may experience all the emotions you have ever heard of in one setting here, and that will be just fine. Talking it out is much, much, better than acting it out, that is the goal here, Tony, to provide a place to be with others who have the same experience as you had, to heal, to recover.

You are among friends, Tony, really.

Be yourself, express yourself, heal yourself.


MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#323293 - 02/25/10 04:25 PM Re: How Would My Parents React? CONTINUED... [Re: SamV]
tony1990 Offline

Registered: 02/22/10
Posts: 11
Thank you sasuva, what you, and everybody else for that matter, have said is so encouraging to me take care.

#323349 - 02/26/10 08:28 AM Re: How Would My Parents React? CONTINUED... [Re: tony1990]
catfish86 Offline

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 829
Loc: Ohio
Tony, your fears are not uncommon. Because of what I have been through, I am making sure that my kids know that I love them no matter what. I may be disappointed, I may not like what I see, but I will always love them.

The reason that I do that is because it is that fear that allows perps to get away with it. Go read the topic "Boyhood Shadows" under the forum for books music and film. What follows is a link to a song in that movie. It is titled "Don't Talk To Anyone". It is very powerful on this point. You have to show judgment on who you share with because it can be damaging.

There are certain times that there is a specific reason that you should tell what happened. If the perp can be stopped from harming more victims is one major reason.

In my own case, before marrying my wife, I was honest about everything I struggled with. This has paid dividends in the long run because with what I am now remembering, many women would have run like hell. It sounds like you are experiencing same sex attractions coupled with the abuse.

It is confusing because our bodies will respond to stimuli. If I touch a needle to your skin, it will hurt and you will pull your hand away. If you pick up a hot curling iron by the business end, it will hurt and you will drop it. If I lightly tap your knee with an object, your leg will jump. The abuser typically plays this up. Now you have to answer the questions that entails.

What if you are gay? But if you are a Christian, does that mean you are bad or that God hates you (He does not by the way). What if you are not gay? Do you still want a family? Are you capable of that? None of these are easy questions and the answers may seem to change back and forth. Feel free to express and work out your thoughts and feelings here. You will help yourself and us.

As for your parents, it is hard to say. Some have been surprised by their parents and others have been disowned. We will be here for you either way or even if you decide not to talk to them about it.

God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

#323523 - 02/28/10 01:14 AM Re: How Would My Parents React? CONTINUED... [Re: tony1990]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I told my mom but not my dad. My mom is somewhat receptive, and by somewhat I mean that she gets the gravity of what happened to me. She is also sympathetic, yet I respect that there is only so much she can hear so I don't tell her alot. With my dad its much the same. I'm sure if he knew he'd want to kill the ones who abused me but perhaps that's the point of me not telling him. Truth is I don't need any more hate or anger in my life, or in the lives of my loved ones. Rather, I wish to get on with the process of healing instead of laying blame but that's not to say that you should do the same. Perpetrators deserve to be held accountable so I applaud your efforts. However, in my case I don't know if they are alive or dead so I don't see a point in proceeding. JS

Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

#324037 - 03/04/10 02:42 PM Re: How Would My Parents React? CONTINUED... [Re: tony1990]
MPackard Offline

Registered: 12/09/08
Posts: 43
Loc: MS
Wow, this is tough.
Let me begin by saying that I am a christian, Right-winger : )
My H is a survivor (why I'm here) but my precious daughter is also a survivor. She was anally raped at the age of ten by a much older boy.
My daughter is gay.
I was never so naive as to think that it couldn't happen to her but I didn't BELIEVE that it could. but it did.
My daughter was outted by a smarmy mouthed teenager at a very vulnerable time in her life.
I love and cherish my daughter. I have a conservative belief system, and there may even be groups that would have me disown her....but I would never be a part of harming her....EVER.

I've been around too long to tell you that there is no way that your parents would disown you....I spend a lot of time shocked by the things that people will do to their kids. But I really want you to know that with a LOT of parents, love trumps everything. You said that you know that your parents love you. It's unimaginable to think that they would (or could) stop loving you.
I should tell you that I spent a good deal of my young adult life as judgemental as you believe that your parents are. I also have found out that God has a way of teaching us humility and acceptance.
Your folks could shock you.
Me, I feel that your fear of your parents not loving you is something that your abuser convinced you of. I could be off, but think about it.
I am so sorry that you are worried about this. I kinda just wanted to encourage you.

#324060 - 03/04/10 05:57 PM Re: How Would My Parents React? CONTINUED... [Re: jls]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: jls
....I'm sure if he knew he'd want to kill the ones who abused me but perhaps that's the point of me not telling him.....

my father told me in 1994, sixteen years after my sister and i were raped: "i should have killed him." i did not say anything, but internally, i agreed. at age 16 i was ready to do the same. what stopped me was my horrific fear of going back into his house to carry out the plan.

i've had parents say to me "if someone abused my child" they would also kill the perp. i have a pretty strong belief myself... that if i had a child and s/he was abused, my reaction would be - illegal.

and yet, this isn't a topic i see discussed much here.

we are victimized. we know violence. but we are not permitted to practice violence in return. we must be good boys going forward, keep the chin up, keep quiet for not getting anyone upset. and in my humble view, that helps keep perps free to practice their perfect crime(s).



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