Logan,

What you describe was heinous. I know you have a T (therapist). Of course you will talk this out with your T. Do you know anything about the other boy? His identity or what happened to him?

What they made you do was very wrong and very destructive of you and the other boy. The emotions will recede with time and as you talk them out.

I tend to think there are/were some kidnap rings and that some of these perps are the same for some of us. The ones we have reported here were separated a lot in time. I have been looking at the Johnny Gosch website where there is a lot of kidnap stuff reported. The way in which Johnny Gosch was tied was very reminiscent of my experience. Remember that I said that my perp taught the course in knot - tying at the boy scout camp?

My perpetrator was involved in teaching how to tie such knots as this in the boy scout camp. Is this a smoking trail?

Allen

pufferfish

This thread has helped me so much. I have started to realize what had happened to me and my brother. I have learned that what I did was not strange or perverted. I was not in control, I was only reacting the best I could. When I first recovered the memories, I was hating myself for what I did. I literally had no chance and no choice. I cannot blame myself for what that evil sob did to me. Brainwashed is what happened, plain and simple. He had a week with us unfettered and we had no defense. I am so thankful that my mother did get us out of there. Had I been there more than two weeks, it is hard to say how much worse the damage may have been. Insanity may not have been out of the question. SCREW YOU UNCLE, CATFISH LIVES!!! Meanwhile, in your own special corner of Hell, burn without end...

Sorry to hear that Logan, my last incident was when I was hitchhiking at age 18, it came at the point of a gun too. It was the hardest of 11 different perps to deal with. Really, I dealt with my first 10 perps and made great progress in my life, while leaving this one out. I only discussed it with 1 of 6 therapists before I found MS. I would have a hard time believing that it was this guy's first time either.

As most young guys enter their teenage years, they start taking chances on meeting people outside of the family. It is a normal stage of development, complicated by a child's undeveloped sense of trust and sense for seeing potential harm in situations. At that age you were dependent on the adults in your life for your support, and you were dependent on adults to look-out for your better interests, and this guy obviously took great advantage of your youthful inexperience. Did this guy give you drugs or alcohol, maybe let you watch R or X-rated movies, perhaps give you special privileges that you couldn't get at home?

If he did, he was guilty of enticing you, getting you dependent on him. Was he friendly at first, before he became a monster? Where were your folks in all of this? Perhaps you weren't getting your needs met at home, and this guy seemed to fill the void at home? That is why you went back. I know that later on we sometimes wonder why we went back, I have a couple of incidents where I went back too. Access to pot and alcohol was involved in my case, something that I didn't have at home, I was with my next-door neighbor, who was 2 years older, and I was trying to act cool. He took advantage of my trust too.

Remember, my man, you were a kid who could not have consented to what this guy did to you. Plenty of kids that age find positive relationships with adults outside the family where they are not taken advantage of, which is generally a positive experience in their development.

Keep up the good work Logan, what happened wasn't your fault.

Mark

this randy readed your posting about your abuse it was hard to reAd but i know others are abused far worse than me but we are ALL SURVIVOR.

I think we all need to remember that the reason why these perps choose those younger and defenseless is that they know all the answers and pull the strings. What was I going to do? There was one night, I think it was after he had me fetch and participate in killing a cat that had trusted and comforted me at night, where I actually crawled into bed with that SOB looking for safety. I told him I was scared and I WAS. His comfort was gentle abuse and I was comforted for there was no other comfort. He had backed me into a corner and I had no other options. In being a parent, I realize how vulnerable my children truly are. To take control and advantage of a child like this has to be one of the ultimate forms of evil. Just remember Logan that you did survive it. Sometimes, and I forget to do this sometimes, you have to look at the world on a sunny day and be thankful and take joy in being alive.

Found another post relevant to this thread:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...7072#Post287072

When you view this, make sure you click on the link tab.

Allen

pufferfish

Sorry, that was too painful to read. This whole thing sucks bad. Why are there such evil bastards in this world?

I have been trying to collect in my mind what the damage that resulted from this abuse.

I am going to reconstruct a doodle I made when I returned to school in the 7th grade and post it within the next few days. I know that I was never again free from depression. I am also going to scan a couple more pictures of me as a child and post them. I also think that I have had a repetitive dream of fleeing from my perp. I hope he doesn't read this because he might enjoy that I suffered. I think they show different states of DID. I was never treated for DID as a child and it is difficult to reconstruct how it might have been. But it is too late tonight to do all of this.

Allen

I still have remnants of DID. I don't think I lose time but I think what happens is that an alternate personality doesn't sleep well. During the night he has an alternate train of thought which I am only marginally aware of. That alter is very paranoid and sexualized. Some might call it a dream but it is much more than a dream. It is as though the body part of me is trying to sleep but the other guy is lying there restlessly and carrying on a paranoid and/or sexualized stream of thought.

Today I awoke in the midst of one of those wretched struggles. I don't know whether it was that same personality or not but I definitely had some DID stuff going on. I was conscious of what was happening during the day and so it didn't involve amnesia. I am still not aware of this night stuff. This night stuff is still hidden by the amnestic barriers. I believe I have been like that since I was 12. It was really hard (read impossible) to shake that and I went on into much of the day with that "personality". It was much more than just being "moody". I am beginning to become aware of this going on and so that may be the beginning of healing of it.

Allen

That thread also helped me a great deal. Thank you catfish for starting that thread! It helped a lot to share the matter with the other guys.

Me too. I pretty much had the same feelings as you did.

Allen

pufferfish