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#322695 - 02/20/10 12:59 AM Fuck last night
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
Las night there was sort of a party at my house I was wasted. I was brother that I have this friend who I think of him as a little brother, his a year younger then me, and he acts like 11 most of the time.. He kinda reminded me of myself sometimes thats why I'm kinda protective of him. My brother and I have a special friend who we think of them as a little brother. So I guess it's not that weird(?).

Later that night my sister talked to me. She said said she'll always will love me and help me out when I start to open up. She said it was her way to make up for the things she had done to me in the past. It was sweet yeah but fuck I don't even no what my sexuality is. She kinda thought I have I had a crush on my friend, at first I kinda thought of that, but I remembered why I was protective of him.

The thing is I don't really care if other people thinks of me as gay, but when it comes to my family its a different thing... I don't know if I'm gay. I don't really know what my sexuality is. I'm not rushing about my sexuality, I try to be open about stuff about my sexuality. It just bothers me that people especially my family, labeling me as gay.

I know I'm feminine, I tried to change. tried really hard for a long long time. Then I realize why the hell do I have to change for anyone. I know sometimes I do gay shits but I also know every time I do those things I just hurt myself. make myself uncomfortable about me.

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

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#322696 - 02/20/10 01:22 AM Re: Fuck last night [Re: b869]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
(((((((((((((((((Marvin))))))))))))))

Hang in there bud.

I know all this shit can get really old.

Even harder when your own family can't be trusted.

Charlie.


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#322712 - 02/20/10 04:50 AM Re: Fuck last night [Re: Charlie24]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Marvin,

I just wanted to say to you that having some aspects of your personality
others might define as feminine doesn't have a thing to do with your sexuality! Also feelings of friendship or protectiveness can easily be misunderstood or questioned by us..."does that mean something??"...well guys with no csa are able to just have friends while we question ourselves about every relationship we have to try and work out if it "means" something. Most of the time it doesn't.

You are right to take the no rushing to make a determination approach. When you've had this early sexualization introduced into your life there are no clear and easy answers.


Sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#322714 - 02/20/10 06:51 AM Re: Fuck last night [Re: b869]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
why the hell do I have to change for anyone.


that says it right there marvin. i understand the struggles around this cause i was in your situation at your age. i loved re-enacting scenes from barbara streisand movies and didn't see anything wrong with it. i had no idea that 'i was so shameful'. it was only the moment that i realized that in the eyes of others, i was seen as 'bad', that i started to hate myself and my behavior. i didn't want to be anything that would cause people to withdraw their 'love' from me, so i tried to change me to please them. i started to think from that point on that anyone who showed any kind of femininity was somehow secretly gay, and then i too started to secretly hate them and thus homophobia blossomed in the deep recesses of my heart and soul.

i know there's nothing i can say to help you stop crushing on yourself, because you depend on those people who hold such opinions to provide you your daily bread. in a sense you are caught between a rock and hard place, because you're stuck with them until you can become independent of their sway.

one thing i know is that you can not change circumstances right now, but i know you marv, and know what a strong young man you are. you can resist allowing this to drag you down. play your cards right marv, and get the hell out of there as soon as possible so you'll be free to have your own life, and build it according to what and who you want to be for your life.

you're ganna be ok buddy; just hold on a little longer, graduate, and get on to college where you will have a bit more control over your world.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#322732 - 02/20/10 08:51 AM Re: Fuck last night [Re: Sans Logos]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Hi, Marvin.

If it's okay, I'd like to throw in my two cents here as well. You mentioned something that I've been thinking about for the past couple of months. I don't know if this topic has already been addressed - if it has, sorry.

Is it really necessary to "define" our sexuality? I've been wondering if sexual orientation can be fluidic throughout life; not something that has to be written in concrete during puberty. I feel I am straight (even though I am a virgin), but I know I have sexual fantasies involving men as a result of my CSA. I don't know whether all this means I'm gay, bi, straight, asexual, or purple with polka-dot stripes. Since I don't seem to fit into any category, the next time a person asks me my sexual orientation, I guess I'll just say, "I'm...me."

I just want to throw out the idea that maybe people are just "sexual beings" and stop right there. No labels, no concrete, no timer, no cultural bias - just you and your sexual feelings, fantasies, and attractions.

One last thing - I know by saying this that I'm dangerously flirting with two topics passionately felt by others, so I will clarify my above statements in those regards: a) if your religion/culture has views that are contrary to my opinion, I respect that and please disregard my opinion and forgive me if I have offended you; b) I am talking about nonabusive sexuality - your fantasies are your own, whether they are of an abusive nature or not, but ACTING on abusive fantasies with others is a crime (I know, I know, "Duh, Bobcat, that's why we're all here!).

Anyway, thanks, Marvin, for letting me share these thoughts.

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#322846 - 02/21/10 12:02 PM Re: Fuck last night [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
b869 Offline


Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
I just can't get what my sister said of my head. I mean the more I remember it it just pisses me off! The more I think about what she said the more I realized that what she thinks about me, about me being gay in particular, doesn't really bother me. Its how she said and what she said to me. At first I thought it was sweet that she would try to reach out to me and help me but she was going about it the wrong why. She said "I'll accept you what ever you are".... Um I'm a human just like you. its nobodies business what my sexuality but my own. What makes me really angry is that she said that she always wanted a sister and me being gay would be a perfect substitute (not exactly what she said but thats what she meant). Being gay doesn't mean you want to be a girl! FUCK! I already feel like a fucking toy! now I'm a Barbie?!? WTF!!!!!

I fucking hate that people who thinks that being a bit more feminine the other males means your gay! Fuck!

Marvin

_________________________

When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

Top
#322860 - 02/21/10 01:01 PM Re: Fuck last night [Re: b869]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I think maybe she's just starting to learn she is bigotted and often bigots when trying to show empathy say things that seem incredibly out of touch to others, especially the target of the bigotry. They are at a stage, if I remember correctly, where they want to say inclusive things w/o denying their own "beliefs". Of course this is not possible but they don't see it yet. Maybe she is trying to change herself. Maybe some coaching in how to reason it out from you might help her. Don't expect instant results and it may devolve into an argument if you do try.

I have known plenty of straight men who were plenty effeminate and many butch gay men. How you express yourself as a person doesn't really have a lot to do with who you are sexually attracted to. This fact is often lost on people who maintain the "traditional" view of sexuality. Look at Rock Hudson and the lead singer of Judas Priest, both very butch and both very gay.
I'm sorry I don't have a counter of some famous effeminate person who was straight maybe Mr. Rogers? IDK.
I do know you should feel comfortable to express your personality any way you like w/o having to worry about someone putting sexual labels on you for it.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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