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#322875 - 02/21/10 04:56 PM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: jls]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
Yes I can say from experience that same age abuse happens with that exact imbalance. When I was 9 the class bully was the tallest kid in the class and he was solid, so when he told me to sit on the pavement in front of him and put my hand up his shorts and he would do the same I complied out of fear. It was a public place and I didn't like him but I was too scared not to do what he wanted.

Originally Posted By: jls
Concerning point number 3, I have a question for you. What if it were the other way around, as in the abuser has been sexually abused before and is acting this out on another child? With concern to the girl having sex with me when I was 10 or so, in retrospect I'm sure she had an abuse history prior to meeting me, given her advanced sexual knowledge as a child. I'd appreciate your thoughts on this. JS


If the person was older or stronger that is abuse, if you were forced or coerced to do sexual things against your wishes that is abuse, regardless of the abusers history.

Dusty


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#322929 - 02/22/10 04:57 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: jls]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
jls,

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry I didn't see it earlier, but there are a lot of daily posts, and somehow I missed it.

In regard to your question to me of is it abuse if the abuser has been sexually abused before and is acting this out on another child, I would say that falls into the second category - improper and advanced sexual knowledge/experience on the part of the abuser.

I would like to share this with everyone here at MS:

I would like to address a concern with these conditions that a few people here have discussed with me. Some children who have been abused have tried to act out their sexual abuse with another child. This has made a few people uneasy because they fear that they have been abusers as well.

I will throw in my own example - I tried to abuse 2 other kids after my sexual abuse, but was unsuccessful. However, I don't consider this to be my fault, because I did not understand at the time that it was wrong. I am also uncertain whether my abuser knew that what he did to me was wrong. I have a feeling he had probably been abused prior to his abusing me.

So...where does the blame lie? To me, this gray area is not unlike a car collision at an intersection - the car behind me slams into me, forcing me to slam into the next car, forcing that car to slam into the one in front of him, etc. Though I am probably guilty for stopping too close to the car in front of me, I am not the reason the collision happened in the first place.

So, if you were abused as a child, and then you innocently tried to abuse another child, does that make you an abuser? I'm not sure. According to the conditions I stated earlier, yes, you are an abuser, but if it was done out of innocence, then how can it be your fault? My therapist told me that I was probably almost an abuser - would have been if my efforts had succeeded - but that it wouldn't have been my fault, and probably not even my abuser's fault, either. The fault probably goes way back to whomever started it willfully and maliciously.

If anyone has thoughts on this or a definitive answer, I would appreciate any input.

Bobcat

P.S. - I would like to thank Jason for starting this thread.

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#322986 - 02/22/10 02:44 PM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
This is Huge for me, Jason, thanks for sharing.

Even though my fraternal twin brother in my age he was so much stronger than me-always has been-he now weighs about 220 lbs and you have seen me, I only way abot 145 lbs.

He used to beat me up and torture (yes, thats right torture) me for years and i thought that nobody( my mom obviously did not) would believe me because we are the same age!


Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#323788 - 03/02/10 12:57 PM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: Logan]
saphsaph Offline


Registered: 02/16/10
Posts: 20
Loc: MA, USA
Part of my csa was older/same age boys in sex rings doing things to me either because adults told them to, or because that was also part of their life.

Honestly, I see at as a form of second-hand abuse. A child, to me, does things (like throwing rocks at an animal, or killing an insect) that seem to cruel to us but to them is "innocent". We tend to equate innocence with benevolence, but it's not always the case.

A lot of same-age abusers were abused themselves, they were taught to do something. It's like when an older kid comes and shows you what he learned in class. Does that make what the abuse did to you any smaller? No. But to me it also doesn't mean the child should live with the same sort of guilt as an adult. For example, we say that even if after the abuse happened we searched for more it's not our fault because we were children and they were adults. Then how can we say that other children then do have the burden of guilt?

In my mind we can't have it both ways. Either I'm guilty for "seducing" my uncle and his friends, or kids are guilt-free. So I had no problem forgiving them. The real abuser was the adult who did something in my mind, or the adult who let it happen by not supervising.

However, this sort of "innocence" only lasts for me while the child is "influence able", meaning until about 13-14. Older than that and they ARE capable of critical thinking and reassessment.

So in conclusion I think when a person is abused by a "Child", the victim is abused, and a victim, but the child who did the abusing is not an abuser in the sense of a perpetrator. I think it's because a lot of people connect being abused to having an abuser. You can be abused and psychologically hurt without a need for it have an abuser/you can have an injustice done to you without there being unjust person.

I also think a lot of us just need our perps to feel sorry for what they did. There IS a difference for example between a same-age perp who says, "I'm sorry you had to go through all that you did for what I did" (While still understanding that they did it out of innocence and are therefore not really "guilty") and one that says, "Oh well, I was a kid anyway, we all did stupid things, just move on from it".


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#323901 - 03/03/10 06:20 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: saphsaph]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
In my case, although I can't remember how old we were, the peer for sure was not older than 14 and I was probably 14 by the time as well. He very well may have been abused himself. He certainly believed in his heart all the pressure tactics he was pushing on me. Either that or he was very manipulative, but for some reason I think he might have really believed most if not all he was saying. I think there is a good chance he was acting out some bad stuff whatever it was. And if that were the case I could hardly hold the perp moniker on him given his age. Regardless, my pain is still very valid though I don't think anyone would question that here. I think what is said above really fits, especially as I am working out how to make contact with the person to maybe get some questions answered and get a little closure on that part of things:

Quote:
I also think a lot of us just need our perps to feel sorry for what they did. There IS a difference for example between a same-age perp who says, "I'm sorry you had to go through all that you did for what I did" (While still understanding that they did it out of innocence and are therefore not really "guilty") and one that says, "Oh well, I was a kid anyway, we all did stupid things, just move on from it".



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#323906 - 03/03/10 07:18 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: saphsaph]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
saphsaph,

Gave me a lot to think about in this post. Thanks for the insight, Not sure quite what to think but a asure you I'll ponder on it. Thank you again for stating this so well.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#347441 - 12/08/10 02:08 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
mh6893 Offline


Registered: 12/08/10
Posts: 35
Loc: Hong Kong
Hi Bobcat -

This is my first ever visit to this site and forum, which I was led to but which I was not sure would apply to me, as I thought my experiences was from 'experimentation' and not 'abuse'. Thanks very much for this de>
_________________________
Regards -

Jack


My profile photo is me around the time of my experience.


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#347442 - 12/08/10 04:21 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: mh6893]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
I know this was first posted about a year ago, but this topic has really triggered me. I am feeling anxious about responding to this thread but I feel that I must voice my experiences and feelings...

Abuse is abuse, plain and simple, regardless of the age... My abuser was only a year older than me but that didn't make it any less painful for me! I think in a way the fact that he was only a year older, only made it more difficult for me because then it was easy for others to say "oh, that wasn't abuse. that was two kids exploring"! Just another way for others to deny my pain...

I use to hate my cousin for what he did to me. He didn't ask, he just took... I didn't know even know what sex was... It was not mutual or wanted and that is the key.

I have been torn with this idea that my abuser was also a child when he molested me. I know he was molested by my other cousin and I can be sympathetic for what he went through but in the end even as a child he made a choice... Many kids are molested and do not repeat the cycle. I didn't but he did... I understand that being molested can alter your sexuality but even with me being molested I knew it was wrong to do it to someone else.

So why could I at the age of 12 know it was wrong what he did to me, and him at the age of 13 not know it was wrong?

I can forgive his child but I can't forgive the adult who he's become... The adult who denied it ever happened and shrugged it off on me.

So regardless if you were abused by another child, it is still wrong. Even a child is held accountable when they do something wrong. If they steal or physically hurt someone else, they can be arrested and taken to jail. So why doesn't the same apply to sexual abuse?

Maybe the punishment shouldn't be the same as for an adult perp but the pain that is done to the vicitim, is still the same! and by others trying to lesson the guilt of the abuser because they were a child, only belittles the vicitim and his/her pain...

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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#347443 - 12/08/10 04:49 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 139
Loc: England (at the moment)
Thanks for that clarity,

CJ

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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#347456 - 12/08/10 09:20 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: onlyakid]
1227ms Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/10
Posts: 98
Loc: PA
to onlyakid,
This post is amazingly timely for me. I have been working with my T for a few weeks after wrestling inside for years. I mostly remember my adult abuser, but had completely repressed the memories of my peer abuser until last night when things came back in a flood. I struggled with all of the was that abuse feelings and thoughts. I got online today and found your post. He was the neighbor hood bully. My age. He abused me. Wow what a relief to say that!!!
It wasn't something I did wrong! I wasn't bad! I wasn't weak and deserving! I was abused! Thanks! Thanks! Thanks!

_________________________
“Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud.”
Hermann Hesse

Hope Springs alumnus 2011

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