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#322761 - 02/20/10 03:39 PM Reminder that same age abuse is possible
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I was watching the coverage of Senator Evan Bayh's announcement that he will not run for re-election in the fall and I noticed something. At his press conference he brought out his wife and two sons. At first I thought they were atleast 2-3 years apart but it turns out that they are twins. Both are 14 but one looks very much younger and I can see how it would be possible for the bigger one to abuse the smaller one and they are the same age (ok, technically one was born before the other). Just a reminder to all of you who had abusers that were close in age to you.

Here's a snapshot of the press conference.





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"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

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#322774 - 02/20/10 05:38 PM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: onlyakid]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Abuse happens when there is an imbalance of power and the more powerful person exercised that power in an abusive way over another. I personally know of at least one case that took place in a high school setting where the abuser was younger than the abused by a couple of years. It's the negative exercise of power, one person over another, that constitutes abuse.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#322789 - 02/20/10 09:24 PM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: WalkingSouth]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
I've struggled with this. I can't say for sure what the power differential was between the peer and I. He did use unrelenting pressure to break me down. I didn't know how to stand up for myself at the time. I was pretty easy to kick around. I just can't except what happened as innocent experimentation. I didn't want to cross that line and all internal messages I was getting were telling me just that. I wanted him to stop pressuring me and drop the subject. I tried to make that happen but he kept going. I eventually gave in.

Eric


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#322797 - 02/20/10 10:28 PM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: ericc]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I hope this helps.

My therapist calls it "child-on-child" abuse, meaning the abuser can be the same age or even younger. She says there are three conditions that differentiate ABUSE from EXPERIMENTATION. These are:

1) Power, or illusion of power - The abuser need not physically force the victim into sexual abuse. Force can also be applied by coercion, manipulation, threats made against the victim, made against the victim's family, or even made against the abuser himself/herself if the abuser is someone the victim loves. In my own case, my abuser threatened to end his friendship with me, and I thought that would be the worst of my choices, at the time.

2) Improper sexual maturity on the part of the abuser - If the abuser is showing signs of sexual knowledge and experience unequal to his developmental age, then he has an advantage over victims who are sexually immature due to THEIR developmental age, thus making it easier for the abuser to abuse. (Probably also means the abuser was abused himself/herself.)

3) Prior sexual abuse history - If the abuser knows that the victim has been sexually abused before and takes advantage of that fact by abusing the victim even more, it is considered abuse.

My therapist told me that if any ONE of the three conditions apply to you, then it IS abuse. She said that many people in the field of psychology will tell you the same, regardless of whether laws do or not.

I'm actually going to go one step further. One of the things that started making me think I was abused - even before I went to a therapist - were my symptoms. I was manifesting MANY of the same symptoms as someone who had been abused. Since I thought I had been a willing participant, this started to change my mind into thinking that maybe I HAD been abused after all.

I hope this helps anyone who is uncertain of whether or not they were abused as a child.

Bobcat

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You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#322800 - 02/20/10 11:34 PM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Bobcat this is very enlightening to learn this from you and your therapist.

Thanks for sharing the wisdom. Great to hear and get re-enforcements from it that I too was abused. It helps not knowing for the longest time made life so hard. But as they say knowledge is power. With that power then you can make a change.

Great topic and discussion. Very enlightening.

Charlie.


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#322817 - 02/21/10 05:12 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: Charlie24]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Thank you, Charlie. Glad to be of help.

Your friend,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#322822 - 02/21/10 05:49 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
In my case it was simple and literal wieght of numbers. What pisses me off is that while it's quite accepted that a gang of boys can s/xually taunt another, the idea that 3-6 teenaged girls can effectively and almost literally gang rape a boy their own age isn't knownw about at all, sinse teenaged girls are held up to be the most valuable, weakest, and most deserving of sympathy, ---- what, our litle princess behave like that? ---- impossible!

Condition 2 as regards lack of knolidge also applies to me. I had all the theory, but none of the practice. in fact, going on my experience, knolidge was actually unhelpful, sinse all my parents' careful explanations to me at the age of ten, ---- including explaining all the words and what they meant did not but made me think s/x was normal biology, and not worth the stupid amounts of ridiculous humour, taunts and obsession which everyone else at school seemed to spend on it. That lost created a huge distance betwene myself and others, ---- in fact I wonder if that isolation was what started it, and if that's now where my phobia about s/x comes from.


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#322842 - 02/21/10 11:51 AM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: dark empathy]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1960
Luke, I hate to break the stereotype you think exists but teenage girls can at times be some of the most cruel and viscous around. When I was in middle school the girls were catty as heck. And the worse part is that the guys would follow suit to win their admiration. Don't worry, there are plenty of us who get that girls that age are not always nice. I'm not saying they are all like this but I remember darn clear how it was. Maybe I'm a little bitter myself because it was girls of this age that really made my life hell when I moved into the new neighborhood which preceded the peer situation.

And by the way, thanks for the thread. I really need to read this sort of thing once in a while to remind myself I didn't deserve or nor do I own responsibility for what happened.


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#322852 - 02/21/10 12:23 PM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: ericc]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
Sorry Eric. You are right, I suppose I'm just fealing very abandoned and undeserving of sympathy at the moment.


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#322865 - 02/21/10 02:30 PM Re: Reminder that same age abuse is possible [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Thank you for your excellent post. Regarding points two and three, I can personally relate to this. Concerning item number 2, there were some occasions when I was 10 and 11 where I was introduced to non-age appropriate sexual activites by both a girl and another boy, each of whom were a couple of years older. When I say non-age appropriate the activities specifically were intercourse and oral sex, niether of which I was knowledgeable of or comfortable with. Concerning point number 3, I have a question for you. You say "If the abuser knows that the victim has been sexually abused before and takes advantage of that fact by abusing the victim even more, it is considered abuse." What if it were the other way around, as in the abuser has been sexually abused before and is acting this out on another child? With concern to the girl having sex with me when I was 10 or so, in retrospect I'm sure she had an abuse history prior to meeting me, given her advanced sexual knowledge as a child. I'd appreciate your thoughts on this. JS

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