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#32255 - 03/24/05 03:17 PM Life of failures
MB57 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/05
Posts: 15
Loc: IA, USA
TRIGGER WARNING .


I am a new member. I pat my self for finally using your board. I Have been a failure in life even though i am very intellegent and had lot of potential, It seem like i always screwup afte a good start. and re start with courage. I alway blamed my luck for the way i am. I guess i never understood my emotions and feelings. Growing up we were not allowed to express them. Now i started to read self help books and start writing my feelings etc. I realized i am always anxious some thing bad would happen to me, Angry and raged, never trusting others ( i thought it was because of my early failures blamed on luck, astrology blah. blah shit),depressed over 10 years , could not connect to peaple, guess did not want. I could not love my wife and kids to the full potential. I have great loving and caring wife and kids. I betrayed her i guess. I was always pre occupied in my mind the failures -- carriers, financial and relation ships of my relatives, and parents. Lets just say an emotional mess. Breaking out in anger on wife at times. Even the luck always fucked me. I am very spiritual person. some time i thought god is screwing up my life. eventually i gave up hopes of success in my life. I moved so many place and even countries for better success, but it is the same. I am trying to run away from my self. OFf late i have ED erectile dys, I thing it is more psych. I was never enjoyed sex with wife. Very low sex drive i thought. But suprisingly not.

After reading self help and abuse related info. I read book on child sexual abuse. My case is perfect symptoms of SA. I never even thought this could be killing my life.

I know i am sexually absued aroud 8 to 9, by a trechourous, tricky, sweet talking, low life kid 13 yr old who was working for my father in his retaurent. First it wa sjust fondling and touching my penis and showing his etc. sleeping in and trying his penis between the thighs. i should have said no. But i guess like all of us here and as a kid diddnot. I was confused and afraid of some one coming to know. I was shit scared to tell any one my parents would have disowned me. I might have even liked it. But i did not understand emotions and feelings.. Know i tried those memories , it hurts like crazy. I remember i felt so stupid, scared some one would find out, disgusting and ashamed of my self , sinned and deserve punishment etc. But i never said no for a while it continued. I guess the excitement was liked by me.In our family we never discussed stuff, i guess we were not open and bit physically abusive. I probably thought nice feeling of being liked/loved shit.

couple years may around 10- 11 yr after a dcontinuity. This bastard whom i trusted slept and i was thinking it was anormal hugging stuff. But this time he turns me back, i did not know what was going. he was sweet talink to me and fucks my ass, i did not allow it first, then usual sweet talk let me open my hole, he penetrated through my ass hole. It hurts to even type this. I strat to shake and cry now. I was shocked by the hurt and was again soothed by his sweet talk. I did not understand. The pain was terrible. It hurt more emotionally. The bastard took advantage of my innocence. After it was over i think was ashamed for few weeks, trying to remember those days it husrts a lot, i was walking in shame, afraid my family and freinds and other would find out, i felt like a whore, i was scared that god is going to punish me. even now i feel sad and axious and embarassment. Lets say i feel like shit. foer allowing lowlife, low cast servent of mine to do this to me.I think i became more and more arrogant, raged after this incident. I almost forgot and moved on tried to be aggod student and a person. I think my subconcious was punishing for the act. That is why i am a failure in life I never spoke with any one. I evn thought it was a way of life. I should have felt all the emotions and griefed. Life would have been different. But i did not. Kow after reading about SA. I am realizing it was not my fault. But the anger, rage and shame and embarassment is stuck in me.For last week i am trying to feel those it hurts like hell even after 35 years. I just want get my life back on track..

The Irony is after shock and accepting what happend that was normal. I went back to hime again and again, But the anal fuck never happend. After reading the posts here i guess my case bid mild, after all my luck is not that fucked up. I then Initiated the man- man sex with may 4-6 peaple of my age to may be 10 year older. I did not know what th fuck going on with my life. I thought i am bad. Low self image is probably the cause of my failure in life. I come from India , back then boys and girls did not date. I did not know if that ws way to release my sexual drive, I felt ashamed of it after doing it. It went on till i was 15 to 16.

I think i had more sex in my child hood than as i am adult. I am always ashamed of it.

Worst thing i even initiared the perpetry on younger ones 2 to6 years youngr than me. I have slowly become my perpetrator and I guess my innerself wanted show that i have power. Starte d of as affectionate then slowly may after about 5 to 6 times of showing the affection and sex in the thighs and masterbation etc. The kids enjoyed it. I build the trust and fuck their Ass and hur them. I was hurt by my act like hell.

I guess my good side of me took over me and my god helped me to stop all this shit by 18. But i am sorry for my causins whom i hurt, My self image is probably that i deserve punishment.
It all happend in India we ar esupposed be very religious its funny.

Then i grew out of it, well educated and had good jobs but some how i always put my self in situations of being a victim and loose on opertunities and change jobs like my child hood sex partners(boys). Kind afraid i had feelings for boys and young adults (<30) . It is all crap . Know i realize it is the effect of SA on m, just as the book says. Perfct example. All this time i ws blaming my luck. Now i know who is to blamed Those stupid bastards for fucking me.I am so angry now, i am going to yell now.
Just imagine if i had a normal child hood and learned about sex about 15 to 16. my life would have been fulfilling.

Thanks
for this site and the resource i am on path of recovery. btter late than never. After feeling all the feelings, I see improvement in my dipression. I hope i will be able enjoy my sexual life with my wife with love.

It really feels god to get of my chest. I thought my child hood experiences were sinful will die with me as secrets. Nw it is not a secret any more. I do not have to be embarrased any more.
I guess i am going to get the copies of the book on SA and present to people i had meaning less sex. I do not if i am to blame . I guess it is SA to be blamed. I guess it has been going on from time immorial, like inherited sin passed on by gnerations and spread around. like one boy seduced either screws up or takes revenge on other boys and passing it on & on. What a freaking epedemic. I am glad i stoped this in child hood. Even though i lost my child hood, my carrier, life in gerenal.

Well you can cry on spilt mik only so much. Life shoukd go on. Now that i now the reasons for my failures. I will be watching out for my feelings and feel them then let them become bigger issues.

I am trying to be Positive, that is only advise to people on the board and newones.

Thansk for letting the stupid past out of my system.


[ I have ONLY added the trigger warning, I have not edited any content of this post. Dave ]


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#32256 - 03/24/05 08:07 PM Re: Life of failures
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Quote:
Well you can cry on spilt mik only so much. Life shoukd go on.
If you'll forgive me for being blunt, that's not true. The time has arrived to cry. It is our crying that heals us. The perps damaged us and our thinking. And especially if you lived in a religious household like I did, we turned all of that abuse into a reason for God to hate us. And if we're already hated, then what the hell? I am so glad that you've found help. I hope you've got a therapist to help you. And how glad I am that you stopped yourself from following in your perp's tracks. That's hard to hear, that you went down that road, but you got help and stopped.

Don't stop talking and writing. Get it out in the open until it doesn't hurt so bad. And cry. This is not spilled milk we're talking about. This is your life being ruined by an abuser. And there's no such thing as "mine isn't as bad". Abuse is abuse. It only takes one rape.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#32257 - 03/24/05 08:45 PM Re: Life of failures
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
I wouldn't be so hard on yourself - sounds like a carbon copy (remember those) of myself. The more I read of the stories of others, the more I see myself and realize I wasn't bad - just reacting to a problem I wasn't prepared to cope with at such a young age. Your behavior was actually very normal for a SA child. I regret having sex with younger boys, exposing them to my hell. I regret searching out adults as a teen; I think I was actually using them more than they were using me. I too "grew" out of boy-boy sex when I hit 10th grade and then started using girls, which if I could find every girl I would tell them I was sorry too, just like the boys in my sex life; sorry for using them like I was used. The hardest part about growing up SA is not knowing what is "normal" because of the SA.

The first time a "girl" tried to give me a blowjob when I was 17, I freaked, lost my erection, and was totally confused. How's that for fucked up teen sex issues. I felt so humiliated, so ashamed! I couldn’t perform sexually in a normal male-female relationship. It also took me over 20 minutes of intercourse to climax. I had an adult male friend (21) and loved his BJ, yet this girl’s attraction freaked me out. Yea - welcome to SA 101 for youth. I too am repulsed at the idea of abusing children, I have no desire to be sexually involved with children and find myself attracted to younger men. I am now bi-sexual; I am learning to accept myself, regardless of how I got there. I am letting go of painful memories, learning to trust, learning to love myself. I think that is the best we all can do. Just learn to love ourselves, regardless of how we got to where we are.

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#32258 - 03/24/05 09:34 PM Re: Life of failures
MB57 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/05
Posts: 15
Loc: IA, USA
Thanks for your opinion , concern and support. I am glad i took courage to put the story out here. I just started the recovry process like a week or two back by reading a book lost childhood. I was surprise by striking similarities of my problems to SA.

At age 18 , i volunterily got over the urge with God's help i guess. Meditation and relegion really helped me to that. Every thing else was forgotten as children's ignorance. But I guess the hurt was burried sub conciously. Of course in India Pshyco therapy is not common unless you are really crazy.

For last week , ihave been feeling all the hurt, believe me i cried and wrote down all my feeling on paper every day. Spent like 3 to 4 hrs to get the feelings out. I am glad i did it and stsrted talking about it on this forum. i did not mean not cry. But i mean you can cry only so much. My feelings were over whelming. I am consciously living the past for a week or 10 days get everything flushed out. it hurts like hell when i write and cry. more that the sadness, i get raged, and ashames of it. I feel them in my chest faster breath, kind warm ness and butterflies in stomack(anxiety). I have learned to identify the feelings and their corresponding physical symptoms. writting down the feelings, gave me courage to join the forum. I do agree with you about crying, I think you should keep your feel your feelings and journal. Eventually you get over it. We are very relious family.

I understand the thoughts about the punishment by god. Believe me that is way the power mongers of the society interpreted the religion. Every relegion says god gives strength to get over weak ness.Meditation and strong belief of god's help people who trust him 100% really helps. That is how i was able to get over obsessive sex urge on younger boys at age of 18. May I dd not fogive the perp enough as per the relegion? or forgive too soon? Could not forgive my self? May be I do not believe/trust in God 100% yet. I think i am digressing in to relegion.

Our Society in India does not permit freely the dating and premerital sex. That why thought i had liking for other children ( thank god not every and very small almost of my age ). Thats my past I learned that was SA behaviour. It really relieved lot of guilt out of me. I am going to continue on my Rage. Now that i understand sex and SA behaviour, I will respect sex between mutual consenting adults. My family life will get normal.

I noticed that the effect of SA on me, (like depression, asexual, excessive masturbating) surfaced in times of stress in my life. I guess i was relating any small failure/rejection to God's punishment for my sexual behaviour as a child.

After reading all the postings and education on SA i kind forgive myself. I know god is helping in the process.


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#32259 - 03/25/05 01:16 AM Re: Life of failures
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
Hi MB

Just wanted to say welcome to the site. It sounds like you are learning a lot about the awful affects of sa and how your life was affected by it and not by bad luck or gods anger. I have found therapy the best way to work on this but reading books and this site has also been a great help. We do and can work through the affects of the abuse, its not so easy but it is possible to make our lives a whole lot better.

Good Luck

Rustam.


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