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#32229 - 11/11/03 05:32 PM An introduction
zoltin Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
Hi. I have been posting here a little bit but have not introduced myself. I am in Illinois, US, grew up here in the midwest. I was molested by a church group leader of a (protestant) boy's group when I was 8. I had not repressed the memory, but had not felt its impact for many years until a dream I had about 14 months ago. I had just begun with a new therapist and she helped me interpret the dream. I did a great deal of grief work, then psychodrama where I confronted the abuser, the church preacher, and my mother and father. Much of my rage came out during that session.

After the abuse occurred, I did not feel safe to go home and tell my parents it had happened. That feels as awful as the abuse itself. My mother covertly abused me sexually throughout my life until I could make some boundaries with her just 3-4 years ago. Other boys were abused by the man at church and one finally told his parents. The man was run out of town by the sheriff - this was about 1963-4. I envied that boy. Years later, my family was discussing things that had happened in and around the church (church was/is very pivotal to my parents life). When the issue of the sexual abuse by the man came up, one of the victims was mentioned - the one who told his parents. I was about 16 or 17 and said that he had done the same thing to me. My mother immediately said, "No he didn't."

But of course, she could not possibly validate sexual abuse of me. I feel she was abused as a child and has never faced it. Possibly by a brother.

I have grappled for years with the "it wasn't that bad" idea. There was no mistaking the rage that came out of me during that psychodrama session, though. My father would never stick up for me against my raging, whining mother. I turned my own anger into myself and became an alcoholic and drug addict. I am now 21 years clean and sober and delighted to be so. Many of the "why" questions I had when I first joined AA are now coming to me. Shame that follows acting out just creates more acting out, creating more shame, etc., etc. I have also been treated for depression, including shock treatments when I was 22 and am currently taking Welbutrin and Lexapro.

After quitting drinking/using I experienced a depression caused by my body giving up that substance. I have given up other "unsuccessful" behaviors such as smoking. Another unsuccessful behavior is masturbation. I may be off topic here. I am going through another depression that is telling me it is time to give up pornography. So far today, I have thrown away two bags of magazines and videos. I feel ready to take this new step. I would like a real relationship with a real woman and feel this old behavior must go.

I have an extensive support group, including AA, therapy group, psychiatrist and two (yes, 2) therapists. And a good job that keeps me alert and challenged. I have come a very long way in recovery, including working on Adult Children of Alcoholic stuff. Most of all, I am grateful that my heart is open and I might be of help to other men. I crave fellowship of men that has nothing to do with our relationships with women. I hope I can participate in a positive way here and find help here as well.

Peace. My name is Rick, but I usually sign as,
RickB


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#32230 - 11/11/03 05:36 PM Re: An introduction
Joey G. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/03
Posts: 28
Loc: FL
Hi RickB, and welcome! I can relate to much of what you said. You will find many understanding and compassionate true friends here. \:\)


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#32231 - 11/11/03 06:38 PM Re: An introduction
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
RickB
I have to say that half of your battles have been won already by your positive attitude and past achievments.
You've come a long way already, still some way to go but ain't we all ?

Enjoy the support and friendship Rick, it's the best there is.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#32232 - 11/12/03 12:22 AM Re: An introduction
zoltin Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
Thanks, guys, for the welcome.
RickB


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#32233 - 11/12/03 12:41 AM Re: An introduction
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Wow Rick!

The things you have already given up and "conquered" are a tribute to you! I hope you are proud of yourself cuz you deserve to be.

Stories like yours make me glad that I have been driven by a desire to make sure my kids could tell me absolutely ANYTHING and be believed and not judged. My dad was awesome, and taught me well.

Thanks for the uplifting intro. I have no doubt you will find what you're looking for. \:\)

Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott

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#32234 - 11/12/03 11:26 AM Re: An introduction
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Way to go Rick!!! Thank you for sharing; it helped me focus some things as well.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#32235 - 11/12/03 09:07 PM Re: An introduction
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Rick it is a privilege to know you as a brother. :p

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#32236 - 11/13/03 11:39 AM Re: An introduction
zoltin Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
Thank you very much. I appreciate the welcome and hope I can be as supportive as you have in your comments to me.

Yes, Lynn, that is super. We must try to stop the madness and the only way we'll do that is by openness and caring. I admire your example. I was never told in so many words that "children should be seen and not heard," but that was the message. I feel I have grieved the lack of safety in my family, perhaps not completely.

RickB


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#32237 - 11/15/03 02:46 AM Re: An introduction
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Rick
Quote:
The man was run out of town by the sheriff - this was about 1963-4.
just one more case of how f *** up the SYSTEM WAS BACK THEN. How many times where the PERPS run out of one town just to do their evil in another town. Didn't the sherff give a dam about the children in the next town.

I told on Father Ryan but was talked into not going to the police because all the boys and girls would know what he did to me. Instead I told the church board what was done to me and they said my story was unbeleiveable.
That was 1961 a few years before you where abused.

Rick most kids back then where unable to tell their parents,who would beleive us. Glad that you found us, I am sure that you will be of help to many here. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#32238 - 11/15/03 02:48 AM Re: An introduction
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN


_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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