"The other side of that nasty little coin is that I cannot receive love. Because of course I do not deserve it."
But of course you do deserve love, if no other love than that of The Father. His love is perfect and there is nothing we can do to destroy that love. He does love you as He sent His Son to pay your (and my) ransom from sin and death.
This is the part that blows my mind, even if you (or I) were the ONLY person to accept His grace and mercy, He STILL would have given His life. Never forget that GOD LOVES YOU. I have found that there are times I do not like myself God still loves me.
Stop being so hard on you. Give you a break.
Count me a number five that loves you my friend.
Hate destroys not the hated but, the hater.