Newest Members
pjmd, j_f1974, Dan234racer, ajax, marmill252
12431 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
mTm (55), Oz (28)
Who's Online
3 registered (Dave PNW, 2 invisible), 14 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12431 Members
74 Forums
63839 Topics
445795 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#322058 - 02/14/10 08:48 AM Why do I want to save everyone so bad?!
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I'm very emotional right now - in fact, I'm shaking badly, and my muscles are tensing up. But I need to ask - Does anyone else feel this way?

I'm reading through Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer", and when I get to the case studies of survivors, the abuses, betrayals, aftereffects, setbacks, and - especially - HIV tests, they hit me LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!!! ALL I want to do is pluck these men out of this book and tuck them away in my heart, where I can protect them, safe and sound, forever and ever. I'm so damned frustrated that I can't, I'm starting to cry. I can't even contact Mike Lew and ask him to put me in touch with those survivors so I can help them; at the very least, talk to them, reassure them, tell them that there is, at the very, very least, ONE person out there who cares.

WHY did they have to endure their abuse?! THEY DID NOTHING WRONG!!! They were just kids, for crying out loud! Is that a crime? Why do kids get the short end of the stick so often? I feel so helpless, even here. I want to protect all of you, AND I CAN'T! So help me God, if I could end all of your torment, I'd do it - I don't care what sacrifices I'd have to make. YOU ALL DESERVE BETTER! WHY CAN'T I PROTECT ALL OF YOU? Please, God, please don't let people hurt anymore. I'll do anything, I swear. I don't want to lose even one more person to a life of despair. Everyone is SO IMPORTANT, I promise to treasure them all, I swear it, just don't let another person suffer and die, I can take a lot, but I can't take that.

I took a few minutes to calm down. I'm still shaking and teary-eyed, but I'm getting better. I'm sorry - I don't know why I wrote this, except that I had to get it off my chest, and I'm grateful to have a place to get things off my chest. I think sometimes that I love everyone else so much so I don't have to love myself. But I DO love people, I always have, and ESPECIALLY sufferers. I guess I always champion the underdog. After all, I know the underdog's point of view VERY well.

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Top
#322076 - 02/14/10 12:35 PM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Hi Bobcat,

I understand what you are saying. I often wonder how I can feel so much compassion and want to protect all the people here but have such a difficult time feeling that same compassion and love for myself. I have such a hard time looking at the avatars and the image forum on the members side; it makes me cry.

Every once in a while, I'll take a look at a childhood picture of myself and think of all the things that "he" was going through, what he was feeling and all the problems it would cause as he grew up to be a man. I still find it difficult to take that little guy under my wing and give him all the love, understanding and compassion that he so much wants and deserves.

Two months after I began my CSA recovery, I attended a Mike Lew recovery workshop and cried the entire weekend. I've also attend a Male Survivor recovery weekend and they both were incredibley powerful experiences. It was such a great feeling to finally feel like I was not alone; that others have been through the same things that I went through but then I realized that was also the worst part of the workshop.

I'm glad you found our website. I hope you decide to stick around for a while and benefit from all the understanding and compassion that others will have for you.

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

Top
#322079 - 02/14/10 12:51 PM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: Brian]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey Bobcat

this is something I've struggled with for years. For some reason the abuse I suffered resulted in the developement for me a male, maternal instricts or maybe it's paternal insticts. Yeah I know that feeling all to well, wanting to protect others, not let them get hurt.

It makes me sad, angry, frustrated.

I realized though I have to look out for myself first and foremost. Yeah I think I will always have that tendency to want to help others cause I've been hurt so bad, we've been hurt so bad, but I think in a way you have to be careful cause there are others out there preying on people like us to help them and use us again in other sick ways.

I also finally realized that sometimes you have let others make mistakes in life and just let them figure things out on their own, my Dad finally realized this for me, so it's made progress in our relationship. Unless I have kids or friends or family then I'm gonna be careful who I help, just cause I've been hurt so many times by others.

I agree with Brian about compassion. I have a big caring heart. I want everything to work out right and I try to do right and good but sometimes it feels like it doesn't make a difference.

Sadly there are sick people in this world who are only out for their own pleasure and self. Pretty sick perverts in so many ways.

But I've come to realize too that there are good decent people in the world trying their best to just get through the day.

Great topic, I will say this, I think it's fine to help others just have to be careful, so I've learned.

Thanks Bobcat for letting me share.



Edited by Charlie24 (02/14/10 12:54 PM)

Top
#322092 - 02/14/10 03:19 PM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: Charlie24]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hi Bobcat,

It's because you have a good heart that when you read the story of my abuse you want to tuck me away and keep me safe where I can't be hurt. I'm touched by that to the point of having trouble seeing the screen through the mist in my eyes.

I could be mistaken of course but I think there might be something deeper going on here. Could it be that your desire to protect us is also the cry of your heart to protect Little Bobcat who was not able to protect himself as a child? Could it be that this is the only way Big Bobcat currently has of express self love?

I applaud you for the love that is so obvious in your post. The challenge you will face is learning to differentiate where you end and we begin, if that makes any sense. The tendency can be to become distracted from our own recovery by the desire to rescue and protect others, but doing so can rob them of their autonomy.

I say all this because i too experience the emotions you express. We're a lot alike you and me, I think. I see a kid walking down the street who looks like he may be in distress. Sometimes you can just tell, you know? I want to reach out and hold him close, to protect him, to shield him from all the evil, and soothe his wounds. I know to do that would be an unwise step, but those feelings still hit me sometimes.

Welcome to the site, Friend. You're among brothers. Glad you're here smile

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#322094 - 02/14/10 03:36 PM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: Charlie24]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
I can't find the exact section where it's referenced but I had the initial protector reflex that Mike Lew talks about in his book when starting healing and was considering becoming a therapist when reviewing future career options.

Then on revisiting my media career reviewing the books I was buying, I contribute to a website regarding abuse in general and it's up on the net for the world to read, and I figured out that by having a review go to the front page of Google Searches, that reaches the maxiumum amount of people at a time who want information on those books, some of them likely to be survivors.

So with the web's very wide reach that's my help, you take or leave it with the click of a button. I actually have the opposite problem to the OP, I'm all too aware that you can't help everyone, not everyone wants to help themselves regarding CSA when they can still enjoy the best years of their life - and whilst it's sad, yes, everyone has to deal with everything in their own time, I'm certainly guilty of dealing with problems one at a time and leaving the CSA to last. It's probably only luck that's pushed me to get it done by 40

_________________________
- CBG

Top
#322098 - 02/14/10 04:28 PM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: ComicBookGuy]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Thanks, you guys. I needed your responses. I'm better now. I really don't get emotional like that very often - it's just that, because I'm working on my recovery and little else, and because I'm doing so much research on CSA, I've been getting more and more (involved? obsessed?) in other people's tragedies.

John, you're absolutely right. I like your expression of differentiating where I end and all of you begin (or is it vice versa?) and it does make sense to me. I have a (probably unhealthy) habit of making other people a priority over myself.
I don't know if my post was a cry for help from little Bobcat, but you could very well be right. I haven't thought of it that way, but you've given me something to reflect on.
Thanks for welcoming me, by the way. It's nice to know that someone feels they are like me. I'm sorry if my post saddened you; but it indicates to me that you have a good heart too.

Charlie, you don't have to thank me for letting you share. I hope you share more of your wisdom with me. Because I think you're right - I do have to be careful not to fall prey to predators. I would be a very easy target. I can't believe I've never thought of that before. I wish I could be like you, and be able to set boundaries for helping people so I'm not hurt. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. Any advice you have on that subject I would greatly appreciate.

Brian, I not only plan to stick around, you're going to have difficulty getting rid of me. Those workshops sound like an answered prayer from heaven to me; in fact, I'm trying to work on getting into the Sequoia WoR. I really want to go, and I really believe it would help me.

ComicBookGuy, you're right. I can't help everyone, especially those who don't want to be helped. I know it's unrealistic, but it's just how I feel. I was hurt a lot as a kid, I know what it feels like, and I just HATE to see someone else go through it. I wouldn't wish CSA on my worst enemy (who, ironically enough, was the person who abused me - and he probably WAS abused as well).

Sorry about the long reply, guys. Brevity, it seems, is a skill I have yet to learn.

Bobcat


Top
#322100 - 02/14/10 04:56 PM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Don't worry about brevity... well, at least not too much right now wink It's important to be able to say what needs to be said. Your posting up there is just the right balance so rest easy smile

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#322112 - 02/14/10 06:30 PM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: WalkingSouth]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Mike Lew is holding a one-day recovery workshop in NYC in March, the day before the MS Conference. Better yet, Southwest Airlines flies to LaGuardia Airport too, plus there is subway service from quite close to LGA to within 2 blocks of the Conference site. Check-out our listings of hotels on the International Conference Forum at the bottom of our forums page, perhaps you might be interested in attending our conference too??? Our homepage has information about the conference on it too.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#322148 - 02/15/10 01:24 AM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: Trucker51]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Bobcat.

As others have said, one thing I've found absolutely and distinctly true, is that it's far easier for me to desire to help someone else than myself. That may not in itself be a bad thing, but why is it I can be there for someone else, realize what I'm doing, then go back to my own messed up life? ----
while as others have said my desire to help is completely genuine with no alteria motive whatsoever, I have increasingly wondered if the consequence here is that I can simply ignore my own issues by concentrating upon others.

i can freely admit that I am worthless, ---- while acknolidging the worth of everyone else.

One incredibly compassionate and practical lady, ---- actually a professional counceler in her own right I once knew used to say she found it far easier to deal with others' problems than her own.

Am I saying that my desire to help others, or my attempts to do so are a bad thing? manifestly not, I get to escape from my own circumstances and concentrate on someone else's, and someone else gets my attention, compassion and help, ----- which (I at least hope), is of use to them.

It would seem to be a win win situation, ---- or is it?

Afterall, how effective are attempts to show compassion and empathy for others when I myself am in a mess.

I would hope, and use all my resources to try and achieve, that they would be useful to the other person, ---- but how useful are they really?

that leads me onto my second point, ---- what Aristotl used to call phranaesis, or practical wisdom.

I know another lady who has taken a course in counselling herself and currently works for child line, ----- a Uk based organization which can best be described as the Samaritans exclusively for children.

Do I doubt her desire to help others, ---- heck no. however, everytime something comes up, her response is "oh that must be your feelings!" in a very overblown, over emotive way.

On one occasion, her daughter complained about throwing up and feeling sick, and this lady responded with "Oh, ---- your feelings are causing you nerves!"

The fact that this girl actually had a virus never entered said lady's head!

One thing I'm realizing, is that there is a difference betwene having the desire to help someone, and actually being able to do it, and that intrinsic difference lies in the experience of life and knolidge about people and the world, ---- ie, practical wisdom.

One thing I'm realizing slowly, is that the only way to gain such knolidge is to go and live myself and try my best to deal with the large pile of stinking rubbish that seems to decorate my life.

this isn't to say I'll utterly abandon other people, or won't acknolidge to any sort of desire to help, it's just a recognition that the only way I can insure that my help, my instincts and my actions are of such a level that they will be of use to someone, is to bloody go and deal with life.

So, it strikes me things need to actually be in a balance. I need to exercise my desire to help others because otherwise I'm a selfish git and a dispicable person, ----- but I need to also go and live my life and look at me so that I can actually do people some good, be able to understand their circumstances more completely, and (hopefully), offer something which is of use to them, ----- this even counts being able to listen in a reactive rather than passive way, or being able to get people to discuss things reasonably.

needless to say, I'm a long way from achieving this goal, and quite often that balance of mine tilts around like a sea saw, ----- stil, this is what I believe I'm trying to aime at, and I offer the idea because I hope people here will find it useful too.

Luke.


Top
#322162 - 02/15/10 09:37 AM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: TheBobcatAgain
... Does anyone else feel this way?


yes, i did too -- if only because i felt that the sexual abuse of a boy was far more than just one act. during my own healing process i guess it became too clear to me, at least, how when boys grew up without treatment/therapy, their actions as adult men impacts everyone. saving them early on made total sense to me... and still does. smile

_________________________
Jeff

Top
#322193 - 02/15/10 03:13 PM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: westchesterguy]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Wow. I had no idea so many guys felt the same way I did. You're a good, caring group of men; I feel in good hands here.
Thanks,
Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Top
#322282 - 02/16/10 12:34 AM Re: Why do I want to save everyone so bad?! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
yeah, I think it's a fairly typical sympathetic response we have. We know how much it SUCKS to be in the situations we were in. Naturally, we don't want that for anybody else either, and when we read about people who have been through similar circumstances, how can you NOT feel something? Even if you hadn't experienced what you experienced, whenever I feel about people who have had their lives destroyed by something, I feel like I should do something about it. I think a lot of people probably feel the way you do.


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.