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#321706 - 02/10/10 03:14 PM Might as Well Live on the Moon (maybe trigger)
Brett Jay Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Minnesota
Yesterday, during therapy, I remembered the face and name of one of my perps. My abuse almost all occurred when I was very young and until yesterday all but one of them remained faceless. I'm not sure what triggered it. I guess a couple of things contributed. Oprah interviewing 4 perps. (I should've left the room but, like seeing a train wreck, I felt compelled to see it through.) Another was The Onion (a comic newspaper some of you may be familiar with). It was in the waiting room at my therapist's office. It had an article that made light of stranger abduction and abuse. I took it to the reception desk and they agreed that it should be removed which made me feel marginally better. Taking some action of any kind is a relatively new thing for me. Even this small thing was like being a little liberated from being a "victim." And, I did it. One phrase in particular struck me. In the spoof an "advocacy group" for perps was complaining that children were calling them strangers and avoiding talking to them. At the park, where they just sat "to look" children were avoiding them "even the pretty blond ones."

I was a pretty blond one.

So here I am going to name the perp and so take away some of his power. His name was Hugh and he was the son of a friend of my father's. He was several years older than I. I adored him and would do anything for him. When I grew older and was no longer "a pretty blond one" he shunned me and I was crushed. The most disturbing thing in the recollection--not unfamiliar to many of you--is that I remember wanting it. He called me a girl for doing what I did for him. He put me down. He liked to manipulate me into begging for it. I was never aroused I think, however. I was absolutely submissive, a sheep willingly going to slaughter, and that has colored all my relationships since. (Colored them darkly.)

A friend recently gave me a book to read so I had to read it. Called "Blind Your Ponies." Some of you may have read it. A good story about high school basketball if you're interested. After all these years, it was an eye opener. He portrays friendships between kids that I did not even imagine when I was that age or for all these many years afterward. (I had no idea. I observed it but didn't know what I was seeing.)

At one point he describes the difficulty that grown men have in establishing close friendships. Please bear with me as I quote it here as it was a revelation to me.

"...We can't do it very well; we tiptoe through emotional mazes and keep bumping into invisible barriers, passageways we mortared tight as we grew up--to save ourselves from the beasts that stalked us. Now, when we want to break them down, we don't know how...

"...We do the best we can. But we finally surrender to the fact that we can't handle being close, not really close, as though it were contrary to something in our genes. The fortifications are too thick and too well in place, now and then we approach it, we knock out a stone or a brick and whisper to the other side, but I've never been close to anyone the way I was with friends at school. It's as though I lost my childlike ability to trust."


I lost my "childlike ability to trust" even before school started and it was downhill from there. I sat last night and it all came to me what a loser I was then. So far on the outside I might as well been living on the moon.


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#321708 - 02/10/10 03:40 PM Re: Might as Well Live on the Moon (maybe trigger) [Re: Brett Jay]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
I sat last night and it all came to me what a loser I was


brett i know you're hurting from this realization, but this is how recovery works. these revelations come only when we are ready to receive them.

now about that 'loser' label. i know what you mean there, i felt that way for a long period of my life, and the worst part is i didn't even realize it. it was the gas in my tank that kept me striving constantly to advance my own self image and self worth, because the CSA and rape[s] killed my self esteem.

recovery taught me that i am not a loser, but rather that i am a winner to have gone through what i have, and to have come out of it with a determination to not let it sink my life.

i love the onion, and hungrily used to look for each issue to come out when i lived in minneapolis. iloved to sit and read through it at vera's or cafetto's and laugh my ass off. true,t the humor in it can be pretty crass too. anyway, see how some good came out of a bad thing? by seeing that article, you came to a realization that you perhaps might not have had, had you not read it. and now you are here writing about it, working your recovery. that does not sound like you're a loser at all. you've engaged your recovery tools and that sounds like a winner to me.

take care,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#321993 - 02/13/10 04:27 PM Re: Might as Well Live on the Moon (maybe trigger) [Re: Sans Logos]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
I'll be your friend smile

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

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#322255 - 02/15/10 08:38 PM Re: Might as Well Live on the Moon (maybe trigger) [Re: Aberrant30]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Brett Jay,

Your feelings are what they are and I respect them. As I read the post above I got the sense of a person taking steps to stand up for themselves and really getting in touch with some important insights.

I saw someone sensitive, thoughtful, and very brave moving forward. And to me those things are all cause for hope and celebration. I can't imagine name less appropriate for the strength I see growing.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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