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#321519 - 02/09/10 07:39 AM Regrets
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...

My names tom and i'm 2 weeks new hear. It's been a liberateing expeirnce, but now i've reached a platou in my recovery, regret.After my abues..i don't know the tech term for this, but i turne in to a slut. I joined up with some...bad kids, who where lead by some bad men, and ended up being abused somemore by them. In my life I always felt bad for some sexual choices i made, becaues i felt they where willing. When i ended up with theses two men..i thougt it was just bad choice of a young gay guy. But now i wonder, they where older men then me in there 20's and i was only 16 15 at the time. So in my mind i figuered i was an adult, and could make choices, but now I wonder. Every thing I did to them I did to D (D the first intials of my abueser) almost exact with out the violince. I guess I'm just..feeling the regret, that it seems my CSA lead to 2 more men doing the same to me, again.
Confused and sadly yours

Tom

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

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#321523 - 02/09/10 08:12 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Aberrant30]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
i was only 16 15 at the time. So in my mind i figuered i was an adult


in my entire life, i don't think i have ever met a 15/16yo who didn't insist on being recognized as an adult [even though they were still considered a minor] it's part of the anticipation of emancipation, and first entry into the starting gate of adulthood.

the truth is, as much as you saw yourself to be 'a mature' person, you were still dependent and the power differential between the two of you was significant.

you found yourself in a circumstance that you perceive to be a willing participant, but really, you had no idea what was a stake by entering into this situation. you've got to realize how ignorant you were at that age, and forgive yourself for being short sighted.

you are looking back to the past as an adult, seeing through the perception of the 15/16 yo that you were then. the adolescent in you is perhaps for the first time realizing that he was tricking himself into thinking he was ready for such activity, and the real tricksters just strung you along. bastards!

at that age, we'd go to any lengths to fit in, to feel like we belong, especially in cases where our deepest needs for nurture and validation had not been met all along: "somebody! love me! ... i'll do anything you ask!"

it's not your fault tom. you wanted to think you were responsible, but really you were not responsible for anything at that age. you had no platform from which to declare your independence. as much as you want to believe you made the choices of your own volition, you were still a child and you were used as the object of sexual gratification and that has had life changing ramifications.

chin up tom. you're one of the lucky ones who realized the damages and decided to put a stop to it before it ate you alive from the inside out.

you're in the right place tom for sharing this story. this understanding you've gained is leading you to even greater freedom and deeper self discovery, and from what i have met of you, you definitely have the fortitude and substance it will take to make that trip.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#321650 - 02/10/10 06:31 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Sans Logos]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
Thanks Ron, but on an intersting note, i think i've started to realize like you said, I really didn't have a choice with all this. Last night my bf was haveing some issues with his mom, her trying to get him to go on a date, with a woman. Any way, normaly he's very dosciel and sweet, but last night her was frantic and aggressive, in trying to find some one to get out of this. He grabed me and pined me down, being cute and spontanious. But it just shocked me, i told him to get off me, but he thought i was just jokeing. So every time i'd shove him off he'd Grab at me, yank at me. I exsploded, I was upset and angery i mean real angery. Then I just forget the whole conversation,i'm standing there like, what..and then i start geting even more up set with my self. I never done that befor, i think it's dealing with all this stuff.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

Top
#321653 - 02/10/10 07:25 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Aberrant30]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
yea tom, years of bottled up anger, and now in coming here, you've pryed open the lid. like a genie in a bottle, it's not going to go back in by request. maybe you could ask it for three wishes?

i hope you don't think my attempt at humor is meant to diminish the importance of your feelings. more than ever, it's vital to realize that we are not the angry feelings, and that sometimes the best remedy when they arise and seem to overtake us, is to not take them as seriously as we want, diffusing them by injecting a little levity into them. anger is one of the worst enemies of the survivor, because you can get stuck in it for years if it is given too much power.

i think you did the right thing; you stopped, and you asked yourself "hey, wtf, where did that come from?" you did not feed it, and allow it to take control of the moment. props to you my friend.

i'm glad you're here and sharing your recovery with us tom.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#321795 - 02/11/10 06:46 AM Re: Regrets [Re: Sans Logos]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
But I beliv ein the past i have. I don't rember haveing theses anger issues befor the event. At 12 or 13, when all this happend, I all but tuned in and droped out out my family. I ues to love to be with my cousins, and hang out with my family. But i sudden grabed a book and found a room to hide in. But at the same time, the slightest issue with any one, just an argument or slight, i took it as the most personal offens. I still do, but it brust in to something powerful. Like, my manger at work, she gets on to me for something, and in my mind i flip out. I want to grat her and smash her face aginst the wall till she doesn't move. it's THAT LEVEL of anger over the smallest of things, yeah i should have done that, i didn't she's right. But still i want to hurt this person on such a monumental level! It scares the hell out of me, worest yet when i was younger, i let that out onec, and i beat the crap out of this person. But after i ran off, i couldn't stop shakeing and crying, and i felt so guilty. I gave up trying to do any thing other then damage control. Now I wonder if it has to do with what happend with D.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

Top


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