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#321416 - 02/08/10 12:31 AM Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!)
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
So I've really grown here with this site, talking to other guys, getting things.

I used to deal with a constant battle in my mind, am I gay, straight, bi? Help me pick one, please I can't decide for myself.

So I posted a while back that I finally figured out that I was fantasizing about my abuse, which is major progress and I've really for the most part attempted to stop doing that, I only still seem to do it if I'm feeling bad about myself.

So what I'm trying to get at is that I think I've finally realized I have an attraction to both sexes, men and women. I have fantasies about having sexual relations with both sexes, healthy safe fantasies, which in my mind, there is safety in masturbation.

Now comes the hard part of acting out on these feelings, as I re-learn to develop a healthy sexuality for myself, for Charlie, I need learn how to follow through and take action.

That is the hard and scary part.

I'm learning as I rediscover myself and my sexuality that having desire for healthy intimacy come along, any suggestions.

I don't wanna just sleep around and get STDS or AIDs or anything else, but how do I take the next steps for a healthy intimate relationship with either.

Super scared, but also super excited to find someone in my life, a soul mate, life partner, whatever you may call it, I think I'm ready for the next step.

One other thing that I think was a bit of conflict for me, was realizing my sexuality was probably planned before my abuse and now the healthy fantasies I have whether they be towards other adult males or females, through my masturbation fantasies are not the same thing, even though there then pops up a small question in my mind that makes me just wonder if I was really abused.

Talking to another survivor last night in chat really cemented my abuse for me, I guess talking about this does really help and I'm slowly seeing progress in my life. Thanks guys for all your great help.

Charlie.

P.S. I've tried meeting people in my classes, they always wanna tell me about their boyfriend or girlfriend, in my mind, I'm like great, ok, good for you, now moving along.



Edited by Charlie24 (02/08/10 12:33 AM)

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#321423 - 02/08/10 02:44 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Charlie,

It's good to see you're feeling positive about things.

You say you think you're ready for the next step. Well, that is the difficult one...putting yourself emotionally in someone else's hands in the form of a relationship. You're right it's scary.

My only advice is when you do find someone to whom you are attracted emotionally try to make it a slow thing to let the relationship grow and develop before hopping in the sack or even to be concerned about hopping in the sack. It can be easy to feel more connected to the person with whom one quickly develops a sexual relationship than is actually the case or healthy.

Best of luck with this, and school too of course!!!!!

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#321426 - 02/08/10 06:16 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
charlie, i've watched you go thru an amazing metamorphosis over the last year and some odd months and i just want to say i am proud of how firm you have been in your resolve to confront and deal with the issues that once restricted your growth. watching your path blossom has been inspiring and is a testament to the fact that recovery is possible, even though achieving it is a life time event. keep going charlie and keep showing us how it's done.

your recovery pal,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#323010 - 02/22/10 07:36 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Sans Logos]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Charlie -

It is so great to read this from you. You keep going and don't ever give up. Thanks for all the laughs and talks we have had.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#323294 - 02/25/10 04:34 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: prisonerID]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Starting out with a friendship and emotional intimacy helped me build a foundation for a lasting relationship that became much more-you deserve to have someone who really likes you ALOT, and whom you WANT to be intimate on deeper levels with.

Growing healthy boundaries is tough, but that is the task I face daily.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#323375 - 02/26/10 11:34 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
Way to go Charlie24...keep on keepin' on...patrick

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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#326213 - 03/25/10 09:00 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
Hey Charlie,
Wish I would have seen this post earlier. Your asking the same questions that I have been asking myself also. At this point, I have settled for just being bi because I am getting tired of searching for an answer. I'm still not comfortable with that answer. In my search, I have decided that I am roughly about 80% straight and the other 20% undecided. I do agree with you that sleeping around to find out my true sexuality only to get a disease is not a good thing. I too am scared to venture out in the world to find that special someone. Not sure when or how I will find that someone who is special. Time will only tell. Take care, Andy.


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#327065 - 04/02/10 02:56 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: nevragan]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey Andy

I know we've chatted about this topic. The whole confusion of it all.

I look back at when I posted it and some days I feel like I'm bisexual and then I get days like today where I'm just not damn sure of a single fucking thing.

I did realize something, I've developed an unhealthy habit of masturbating to gay porn, and it's become a bit of a routine, even if I have no desire to do it I'm finding myself doing it. Hope this isn't too Triggering.

I'm really gonna try and make a conscious effort to watch what I'm doing and break this habit.

I think I need a healthy break from chronic masturbating.

Guys thanks for letting me graphic and sharing myself, getting this shit out. Clearing my head. It helps my dear friends.

Charlie.


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#327072 - 04/02/10 04:38 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Charlie,

congrats on realizing you have an unhealthy M habit-I think so many of these, for me, only recreate my abuse/csa/trauma and keep me stuck.

The best thing I think I EVER did was to stop that kind of stuff altogether and devote my energies towards intimacy and self acceptance of my body, my own sexuality (not some image or other person's ideas).

I think the key idea I want to convey here is that of fidelity-to one's own self and integrity, and not cheaply sacrificing for some momentary thrill or to escape.

Thanks for your sharing-I am excited that you get to work through this 15 years younger than it took me.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#328271 - 04/13/10 08:25 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Charlie, thanks for being so honest about your struggle.

I'm really sorry if my story triggers anyone. I don't want to do that but I need to get this out of me.

I've been married for 18 years to a beautiful, amazing woman. But I have had almost constant struggles with masturbating. I must confess that there have been times that watched some gay porn on the internet or looked at gay magazines which has caused me to masturbate even more. Every time I do it I feel so guilty and angry. It's a destructive pattern that has to stop.

I've never talked about anyone with this story. When I was in college, I developed a close friendship with a guy. At first, he was really tough and macho but became increasingly loving and tender toward me. At one point, he was going to suddenly leave school and not come back. I really didn't want him to go. That night we talked in my room. My roommate was sleeping in the top bunk of the bunkbeds.

I don't even remember how it happened but my friend took his shirt off. I was already undressed for the night. I started rubbing and then kissing his chest and he didn't stop me. In fact, he started kissing me on the shoulders why I was doing it. After about a minute, he said that he had to go to bed. I practically begged him to stay in the bed with me but didn't. After he left, I went into the bathroom and masturbated.

The next day, he came back to my room. It was during the afternoon. With both stipped down to our underwear and he crawled into my bed. If someone hadn't knocked and my door and talked to me for about 30 - 40 minutes while I stood in the doorway, I honestly don't know what would have happened.

I am straight and I love my wife very much. It pains me to know that I was willing to put myself in that position with my friend. We both were vulnerable and could have easily made out and more. I wanted to pull his underwear off and see him naked. I wanted to experience him will all five of my senses. And I wanted to use him to please myself.

He was gone for a couple of days and then came back. I was glad that nothing happened and yet I was angry. I stayed angry for him for the rest of the time I was at college. It was like I didn't get anything out of the experience except for more hurt. Maybe he was using me more than I was using him. I don't know...

I feel so much hatred toward myself for that. How could I have been abused and feel all that pain and hate and then want to turn it onto someone else? I want to be free of this so that I can treat all people--men and women--with the love and respect they deserve.

By the way, I hate my body. I've always been extremely skinny and have a very small penius. I've never been any good at the societal image of what a man should be. I felt inadequate before my abuse and only felt worse sense.

Again, I'm sorry if I've trigged anyone with my comments. I've just been holding onto this for so long I needed to get it out there. I'm seeing that I need to heal from this encounter, too.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#328277 - 04/13/10 08:45 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: pkincrisi]
WannaBeActivist Offline


Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 14
Well, I'm curious why you feel angry and ashamed for looking at gay porn. You aren't cheating on your wife, you're just releasing some sexual energy. Have you considered speaking with your wife about what you're doing? If you feel that it's simply acting out your abuse, that's alright, but it is your sexuality. You may deal with it however you like in a consenting environment. Masturbating to gay porn doesn't mean you don't love your wife and it doesn't mean that you are interested in cheating on her. Maybe the issue isn't that you masturbate, the issue is that you masturbate and feel bad about it. Why do you feel bad?

As for your friend, I'm also curious why you feel that you were using him. It didn't seem like you were forcing yourself on him. He consented to what you two did. Consensually being with another man is not abuse. It seems to me that you are treating people with the love and respect they deserve. I would say however, that you do a better job of that by talking about what you want. So, the question is, what do you want for yourself and your sexuality?


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#328293 - 04/13/10 10:18 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: WannaBeActivist]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Great questions, WannaBeActivist. I was afraid that I had commited abuse. I was afraid that what was done to me I was doing to someone else. The is the last thing I would ever want to do.

The reason I feel bad about masturbating is because I don't feel like I'm in control. I also feel bad because it's sexual energy that I should be devoting to my wife. I have told her about my issues with masturbating and listened to her when she told me how she felt cheated by it. I love her and I want to give her all of me.

What do I want for myself? I want to know that I am worthy of love. I don't just have to give love to everyone else. I can receive their love and not feel guilty about it. As far as my sexuality, I want to express it in healthy ways that I don't have to feel guilty about.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#328314 - 04/14/10 02:22 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: pkincrisi]
WannaBeActivist Offline


Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 14
But it wasn't abuse as far as I can see. You were both consenting adults unless I'm mistaken. That's for you to decide though.

I would also say that I don't think that everyone has a limited reserve of sexual energy. Have you brought up the idea of watching porn with her? Again, this is for you to decide, but just because you masturbate doesn't automatically mean that you are less devoted to your wife. You have the right to your own sexuality as does she. However,communication is key to any relationship and you should talk about what you both want. You probably have come to your own conclusions and those are valid because it's your sexuality and it's your right to express it consensually as you wish.

You are worthy of love and you don't just have to give love to everyone else. You should receive their love and not feel guilty about it. However, I'm curious as to what you mean by healthy sexual expression?



Edited by WannaBeActivist (04/14/10 02:23 AM)
Edit Reason: typo...

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#328419 - 04/14/10 11:04 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: WannaBeActivist]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
WannaBe, after all my emotions yesterday, I took another look at what I had written and your response. I'm thinking much more clearly about it.

I accept the fact that I did not abuse my friend. You were correct in saying that what happened was consensual. I was afraid to admit that what really happened was that I was feeling loved. We were showing showing genuine affection to each other. It was very tender and sweet. I didn't want him to go because I cared about him. I just didn't know how to express that.

I'm looking at that scenario in a new light. I'm not going to let myself be overcome with guilt. For so long, I was angry with him. But the truth is that I wasn't angry with him. I was angry with myself because I let him get close and I was afraid to do that.

I also re-read your comments about sexual energy. Thank you for saying that I have the right to my own sexuality. I have struggled with that many times. I also appreciated your comments and about me being worthy of receiving love. Today, I started to realize that is the truth.

I also realize that I need to get plugged into a good therapist to discuss my sexuality. I need to realize that my sexuality is a good thing. It is a part of who I am.

By healthy sexual expression, I mean finding out what is healthy for me--not my friends, not my wife, not anyone else. It's good for me to focus on my wants and desires.

WannaBe, your comments have helped me more than I can express. I appreciate you reaching out to me and seeing past my hurt and anger. I am forever grateful.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#328458 - 04/15/10 11:15 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: pkincrisi]
WannaBeActivist Offline


Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 14
Getting a therapist is really helpful. However, make sure they are doing their work based off empirical evidence. There seems to be a lot of pseudoscience on this site and it worries me.

I went for 16 years without talking about my abuse. I didn't feel comfortable talking about it in the environment I was in, but I'm beginning to feel more healed and I want to help others find that too.


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#328529 - 04/15/10 05:50 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: pkincrisi]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I never got how masturbating can be considered cheating. When I was with my ex she and and both masturbated, together as well as when we were alone. If anything it added to our sex life since it is good practice to know your own body and identify what is pleasurable.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#328531 - 04/15/10 06:50 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: jls]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Wannabe, thanks for the good advice about the therapist. I went to a couple of sessions last year that I BS'd may way through. I wasn't ready to talk about what the abuse did to me. I was happy go lucky and ready to move on---NOT!

jls, you raised and interesting question about masturbation. I think the reason that there are two reasons that I've felt so much guilt and shame about it. One, I grew up in a household where my parents did not talk about sex with their kids. I know that a lot of people experienced the same thing. But my dad is a retired pastor. The idea of talking about sex with him made me 1,000 times more uncomfortable.

Two, I have felt guilty because when I masturbate I'm pleasuring myself. I didn't start masturbating until after I was abused. Would I eventually done it without the abuse? I don't know. But the point is, I would feel good for a few minutes and then absolutely horrible because I felt pleasure. And I didn't think that I should ever feel pleasure of any kind.

Another weird thing is that I have brought my wife to climax many, many times through hand jobs. She has enjoyed them a lot. A lot of times, after I've pleased her I would masturbate without her knowledge.

I'm not trying to tell anyone else what they should do with their bodies. I just want to allow myself to feel pleasure and loved through other ways besides masturbating. It's about me getting to that point.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#328554 - 04/15/10 10:42 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: jls]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Originally Posted By: jls
I never got how masturbating can be considered cheating. When I was with my ex she and and both masturbated, together as well as when we were alone. If anything it added to our sex life since it is good practice to know your own body and identify what is pleasurable.


This is good, this is important. This releases the shame I've bound to my sexuality. This at least helps me better understand myself. Thank you jls.

Charles


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#329152 - 04/21/10 09:45 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
sironsea Offline


Registered: 10/23/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Hi Charlie
What you said really resinated with me. I too have began to except myself and my sexuality and have built better self esteem in the process. I have been married to the most supportive and loving woman for 2 yrs now and we have a healthy sex life though my meds can sometimes slow it down. I have learned that I need to not be afraid of expressing myself. Its important in a relationship. I am attracted to both but that hasn't posed any problems between my wife and I.


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#329185 - 04/21/10 12:39 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: sironsea]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Here is my experience, and I will try to stay in the realm of sharing what I've been thru and not my opinions or theory.

For many years, masturbation was part of an unhealthy sex life that revolved around isolation, avoiding intimacy, harboring fantasies related to my csa, and wanting to be powerful and in control. I had a lot of anonymous sex with other men and was always seeking their affirmation and approval and to have control sexually.

To gain a healthy sexuality, I had to open up all this and be completely honest so I could look at what was really going on, the feelings underneath and to own the issues that had driven my sexuality since adolescence.

However embarrassing or shameful my feelings and behavior felt, I had to own it and share it-I was fortunate to find brothers in recovery that were safe and had shown me I could be vulnerable without risking rejection or abandonment. Admitting these behaviors helped me gain clarity and confidence.

Secrets and isolation are deadly to my life force.

I also abstained from any kind of sex for several months and allowed my body and mind to process all that I was going through.

For me, my body and authentic sexuality began to awaken without these ties to the past, and without being stimulated by images or fantasies. Deep down, I began to FEEL sexual is an affirming, REAL way that felt original to my innermost self. I would wake up after a sexual dream having "completed" the experience and feel radically different. This gave me hope.

I learned how to be intimate (honest, vulnerable) with myself and others, and took the step to be physically intimate (and sexual) with my wife in new, conscious and deliberate ways.

To this day, I continue to choose to only be sexual with the woman of my dreams-my wife, and we have a mutual, sharing, caring, open sexual relationship.

I do not stoke my desires with porn or fantasy or shallow stimulation. For one thing, I would have to keep this secret from my wife and that undermines our relationship.

Porn and fantasy only trigger, for me, the shadows of the years I was lost, scared, and harming others and myself.

And M wasn't about the sex anyway. It was about getting my needs meet temporarily (like relief from frustration, fear, revenge, anger, etc) and always increased my isolation and undermined my ability to face these issues in my life in healthy, sustainable, loving ways.

Thanks for letting me share part of my story,

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#329218 - 04/21/10 04:28 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
That's pretty inciteful, thanks for sharing that.


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#329255 - 04/21/10 10:08 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Thank you writing these words, Mountainous Buck. You spelt out what I had been struggling with for so long but didn't know how to say. I appreciate it in ways that I cannot express.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#329275 - 04/22/10 12:38 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I too want to join the chorus of thanking you Mountainous Buck for writing such great thought provoking words.

It's great to get advice from a guy who has been there and as kind enough to share that wisdom with others. A true measure of a real man.

Charlie.


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#335759 - 07/10/10 03:52 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
oldguy Offline


Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 61
Loc: st louis, MO
M Buck, great post. You have expressed my desires for myself and my relationship with my wife. Thank you, oldguy


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