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#328277 - 04/13/10 08:45 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: pkincrisi]
WannaBeActivist Offline


Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 14
Well, I'm curious why you feel angry and ashamed for looking at gay porn. You aren't cheating on your wife, you're just releasing some sexual energy. Have you considered speaking with your wife about what you're doing? If you feel that it's simply acting out your abuse, that's alright, but it is your sexuality. You may deal with it however you like in a consenting environment. Masturbating to gay porn doesn't mean you don't love your wife and it doesn't mean that you are interested in cheating on her. Maybe the issue isn't that you masturbate, the issue is that you masturbate and feel bad about it. Why do you feel bad?

As for your friend, I'm also curious why you feel that you were using him. It didn't seem like you were forcing yourself on him. He consented to what you two did. Consensually being with another man is not abuse. It seems to me that you are treating people with the love and respect they deserve. I would say however, that you do a better job of that by talking about what you want. So, the question is, what do you want for yourself and your sexuality?


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#328293 - 04/13/10 10:18 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: WannaBeActivist]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Great questions, WannaBeActivist. I was afraid that I had commited abuse. I was afraid that what was done to me I was doing to someone else. The is the last thing I would ever want to do.

The reason I feel bad about masturbating is because I don't feel like I'm in control. I also feel bad because it's sexual energy that I should be devoting to my wife. I have told her about my issues with masturbating and listened to her when she told me how she felt cheated by it. I love her and I want to give her all of me.

What do I want for myself? I want to know that I am worthy of love. I don't just have to give love to everyone else. I can receive their love and not feel guilty about it. As far as my sexuality, I want to express it in healthy ways that I don't have to feel guilty about.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#328314 - 04/14/10 02:22 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: pkincrisi]
WannaBeActivist Offline


Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 14
But it wasn't abuse as far as I can see. You were both consenting adults unless I'm mistaken. That's for you to decide though.

I would also say that I don't think that everyone has a limited reserve of sexual energy. Have you brought up the idea of watching porn with her? Again, this is for you to decide, but just because you masturbate doesn't automatically mean that you are less devoted to your wife. You have the right to your own sexuality as does she. However,communication is key to any relationship and you should talk about what you both want. You probably have come to your own conclusions and those are valid because it's your sexuality and it's your right to express it consensually as you wish.

You are worthy of love and you don't just have to give love to everyone else. You should receive their love and not feel guilty about it. However, I'm curious as to what you mean by healthy sexual expression?



Edited by WannaBeActivist (04/14/10 02:23 AM)
Edit Reason: typo...

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#328419 - 04/14/10 11:04 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: WannaBeActivist]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
WannaBe, after all my emotions yesterday, I took another look at what I had written and your response. I'm thinking much more clearly about it.

I accept the fact that I did not abuse my friend. You were correct in saying that what happened was consensual. I was afraid to admit that what really happened was that I was feeling loved. We were showing showing genuine affection to each other. It was very tender and sweet. I didn't want him to go because I cared about him. I just didn't know how to express that.

I'm looking at that scenario in a new light. I'm not going to let myself be overcome with guilt. For so long, I was angry with him. But the truth is that I wasn't angry with him. I was angry with myself because I let him get close and I was afraid to do that.

I also re-read your comments about sexual energy. Thank you for saying that I have the right to my own sexuality. I have struggled with that many times. I also appreciated your comments and about me being worthy of receiving love. Today, I started to realize that is the truth.

I also realize that I need to get plugged into a good therapist to discuss my sexuality. I need to realize that my sexuality is a good thing. It is a part of who I am.

By healthy sexual expression, I mean finding out what is healthy for me--not my friends, not my wife, not anyone else. It's good for me to focus on my wants and desires.

WannaBe, your comments have helped me more than I can express. I appreciate you reaching out to me and seeing past my hurt and anger. I am forever grateful.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#328458 - 04/15/10 11:15 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: pkincrisi]
WannaBeActivist Offline


Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 14
Getting a therapist is really helpful. However, make sure they are doing their work based off empirical evidence. There seems to be a lot of pseudoscience on this site and it worries me.

I went for 16 years without talking about my abuse. I didn't feel comfortable talking about it in the environment I was in, but I'm beginning to feel more healed and I want to help others find that too.


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#328529 - 04/15/10 05:50 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: pkincrisi]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I never got how masturbating can be considered cheating. When I was with my ex she and and both masturbated, together as well as when we were alone. If anything it added to our sex life since it is good practice to know your own body and identify what is pleasurable.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#328531 - 04/15/10 06:50 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: jls]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Wannabe, thanks for the good advice about the therapist. I went to a couple of sessions last year that I BS'd may way through. I wasn't ready to talk about what the abuse did to me. I was happy go lucky and ready to move on---NOT!

jls, you raised and interesting question about masturbation. I think the reason that there are two reasons that I've felt so much guilt and shame about it. One, I grew up in a household where my parents did not talk about sex with their kids. I know that a lot of people experienced the same thing. But my dad is a retired pastor. The idea of talking about sex with him made me 1,000 times more uncomfortable.

Two, I have felt guilty because when I masturbate I'm pleasuring myself. I didn't start masturbating until after I was abused. Would I eventually done it without the abuse? I don't know. But the point is, I would feel good for a few minutes and then absolutely horrible because I felt pleasure. And I didn't think that I should ever feel pleasure of any kind.

Another weird thing is that I have brought my wife to climax many, many times through hand jobs. She has enjoyed them a lot. A lot of times, after I've pleased her I would masturbate without her knowledge.

I'm not trying to tell anyone else what they should do with their bodies. I just want to allow myself to feel pleasure and loved through other ways besides masturbating. It's about me getting to that point.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#328554 - 04/15/10 10:42 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: jls]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Originally Posted By: jls
I never got how masturbating can be considered cheating. When I was with my ex she and and both masturbated, together as well as when we were alone. If anything it added to our sex life since it is good practice to know your own body and identify what is pleasurable.


This is good, this is important. This releases the shame I've bound to my sexuality. This at least helps me better understand myself. Thank you jls.

Charles


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#329152 - 04/21/10 09:45 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
sironsea Offline


Registered: 10/23/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Hi Charlie
What you said really resinated with me. I too have began to except myself and my sexuality and have built better self esteem in the process. I have been married to the most supportive and loving woman for 2 yrs now and we have a healthy sex life though my meds can sometimes slow it down. I have learned that I need to not be afraid of expressing myself. Its important in a relationship. I am attracted to both but that hasn't posed any problems between my wife and I.


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#329185 - 04/21/10 12:39 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: sironsea]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Here is my experience, and I will try to stay in the realm of sharing what I've been thru and not my opinions or theory.

For many years, masturbation was part of an unhealthy sex life that revolved around isolation, avoiding intimacy, harboring fantasies related to my csa, and wanting to be powerful and in control. I had a lot of anonymous sex with other men and was always seeking their affirmation and approval and to have control sexually.

To gain a healthy sexuality, I had to open up all this and be completely honest so I could look at what was really going on, the feelings underneath and to own the issues that had driven my sexuality since adolescence.

However embarrassing or shameful my feelings and behavior felt, I had to own it and share it-I was fortunate to find brothers in recovery that were safe and had shown me I could be vulnerable without risking rejection or abandonment. Admitting these behaviors helped me gain clarity and confidence.

Secrets and isolation are deadly to my life force.

I also abstained from any kind of sex for several months and allowed my body and mind to process all that I was going through.

For me, my body and authentic sexuality began to awaken without these ties to the past, and without being stimulated by images or fantasies. Deep down, I began to FEEL sexual is an affirming, REAL way that felt original to my innermost self. I would wake up after a sexual dream having "completed" the experience and feel radically different. This gave me hope.

I learned how to be intimate (honest, vulnerable) with myself and others, and took the step to be physically intimate (and sexual) with my wife in new, conscious and deliberate ways.

To this day, I continue to choose to only be sexual with the woman of my dreams-my wife, and we have a mutual, sharing, caring, open sexual relationship.

I do not stoke my desires with porn or fantasy or shallow stimulation. For one thing, I would have to keep this secret from my wife and that undermines our relationship.

Porn and fantasy only trigger, for me, the shadows of the years I was lost, scared, and harming others and myself.

And M wasn't about the sex anyway. It was about getting my needs meet temporarily (like relief from frustration, fear, revenge, anger, etc) and always increased my isolation and undermined my ability to face these issues in my life in healthy, sustainable, loving ways.

Thanks for letting me share part of my story,

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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