Newest Members
JLB, MrsC, wraphd, blufish, JPmc
12437 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
carperson (26), Daryoush (59), Gary31 (48), Overburdened78 (33), scaredcrappie (29), ThomasO (63), Wornoutsoul (38), WRR (34), zakwilde005 (45)
Who's Online
1 registered (tbkkfile), 14 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12437 Members
74 Forums
63851 Topics
445846 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#321098 - 02/03/10 07:13 PM ups & downs of dating
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
be careful what you wish for? :-)

in the last episode, well, when i was posting here last, i discussed how much i wanted to try the dating scene again after years of being alone. also have to be careful about balancing dating without anyone at work finding out. nonetheless, tried an online matching service and did meet someone.

we dated two months. i fell in love. i was laughing for the first time in years. i was excited to once again have someone to talk with. he told me new years eve that he'd fallen in love with me. but as it turns out, that scared him enough to break it off this past friday.

i should note we never engaged in making love. actually, i held off on purpose, because i felt there was no rush to be that intimate yet. we were headed for a true ltr...thought i. but i did not know that holding back may have been a problem for him. my bad, as they say - truly is a social sin not to have sex within the first week i guess. sigh.

this has been the first 'break up' sob story i've had to tell since 2001. it hurt. and all those old self abuse triggers came flowing right back. powerlessness was probably the greatest issue. "what could i have done differently," was a second. hated myself since it was easier than hating him... breaking up was his snap decision - and i had no warning and no choice.

but i did find out after the fact that he'd been going online to meet other guys (at least five days before) he broke up with me. (snooping for reasons after the fact.) so there i had a little challenge with trust too.

my reaction, probably to overcome that powerlessness mostly, was to immediately rejoin dating online -- while tearing up. i just needed to find "hope" that i could indeed bounce back to date again. i'm working on it. each day is getting better and i am going to pat myself on the back for a surprise round of resiliency before the week ends.

still, i'm feeling rather hopeless. at 46 years i just can't seem to get it together enough with society to: 1) attract the right guy, 2) meet a quality guy, 3) meet a guy without an agenda. this has to be my fault. can't blame society for everything.

thanks for reading.

_________________________
Jeff

Top
#321108 - 02/03/10 10:24 PM Re: ups & downs of dating [Re: westchesterguy]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
Wow,
My this is sounding familiar.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

Top
#321154 - 02/04/10 03:39 PM Re: ups & downs of dating [Re: philistine]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
i noticed, read some other threads and comments of a similar nature, but didn't want to take away from those specific conversation threads.

i wonder how much of this has to do with the way we are -- rather now forced to meet. twenty yrs ago... went to a bar, and fairly easily observed body language while mingling, could chat a little in person... and you knew right away whether or not someone was interested or interesting.

now, at least here, that is not an option. pals and i have assumed that the 'net put gay bars out of business several years ago here. so, the options that i observe are fairly confined to the online world or trekking into a big city.... where everyone there doesn't live here. smile

judging from the number of ads/profiles i've read though just within my zip, i'm clearly not alone. the difference is, those ads are specific for anon sex - and not to set up shop for a ltr.

_________________________
Jeff

Top
#321159 - 02/04/10 05:32 PM Re: ups & downs of dating [Re: westchesterguy]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
twenty yrs ago...


ah, let's see, 20 years ago.....

-the internet had not quite evolved into the meet/meat rack it is today
- 20 years ago you had more options as a 26 year old [to date older and younger] than you do today as a 46 year old
- the 'gay/queer/alternative' zeitgeist was just beginning to shift from its infancy developmental stage.

now, all those guys who are hanging out in bars are also likely to be found hanging out in cyber chat rooms as well, especially if they are promiscuous and just looking for a non-committal booty call type of relationship.


[extra commentary, provoked as an aside due to the content of the topic:]

prior to the emergence of the fledgling alternative communities, social theorists and analysts had a much easier time reconciling discrepancies in relationship statistics and trends when they focused mainly on the accepted norm, ie st8 relationships. in discussing trends in those relationships they measured them as healthy or dysfunctional, valuable or useless, by using the assumed historical values yardstick which had grown out of a set of biblical principles, a values set by which a majority of the world's current population over the age of 20 had been influenced by and/or catechized with. now that the political climate is changing, that yardstick is no longer seen as essentially valid, and communities seem to be in a process of discerning what the assumed values are truly trying to articulate, and thus arriving at a new understanding of morality. morality of course is and has always been relative to a particular set of circumstances, but nowadays, it seems to be becoming ever more organic in expression.

regarding what that means for non-traditional relationships and presenting a case for allowing equality of marriage rights for all people, particularly in the alternative community where the focus has been more on orgasm and less on relationship 'to/with' another. dignifying intimate relationship between males may inspire males to see themselves less predominantly in terms of the sexual component but rather more as whole multi-dimensional with much deeper needs than can be met merely by getting off [stuck in adolescence, which is continually reinforced in the obsessive pursuit of these shallow types of engagements]. our community is still in its youthful stage. sure humans will never be perfect, no matter what their sexual practices, but at least the light being shone thru the prism of sexual and gender diversity is teaching us that black and white are both static and fixed, but also progressive and sublimely mercurial, one ever fading into the other [a typical characterization of the creative process as is presented in any field].

to quote the wicked witch of the west as she wrings her hands: 'what a world, what a world!'. indeed!

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#321204 - 02/05/10 04:01 PM Re: ups & downs of dating [Re: Sans Logos]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Sans Logos
...to quote the wicked witch of the west as she wrings her hands: 'what a world, what a world!'. indeed!


ron, thanks for the response.

there are differences that i have a hard time accepting and these pain me. and this is why i'm even here. we all share, at least i think, one extremely important common bond. i also would like to think that bond allows us to "get it" - albeit in various forms and matter of degrees, true. that is my extra commentary.

important differences from 20 years ago: i was in no shape whatsoever to date then, have a relationship then, or function properly then. that was a hell of long time ago, and from where i am now -- i'm ready (and have been) for a relationship and to love and to enjoy sex with the man i love. i'm also able and willing to sweat to make the relationship work, because i understand this responsibility with another being.

i also realize, time is running its course.

at 26, i couldn't even fathom being 46. it was just "so old" and so far into the future to grasp. and yet now, i realize that was cruel time. while i can see, taste, and feel, exactly what i could on any given day in 1990 right now, the same can be said for what i will recall in year 2030. but being 66, or 86, or dead, is nothing but a time warp that is just simply called tomorrow.

am i to believe that i'll be asking these same questions tomorrow? am i to believe that i --once again-- just fall victim to the circumstances of time? this teenager gets raped in the 1970s because society ignored (rhetorically speaking) pedophiles living next door... whereas now everyone knows about peds, but the focus instead is on a evolutionary gay movement (that evolved without me).

how ironic that the gay movement demands marriage equality and yet -- no one has figured out how the f to meet in the first place? am i'm a victim by remaining single simply because i desire a healthy, normal 1-on-1 relationship when everyone else has accepted the open door policy?

rather condemning commentary it seems to me. and yes, maybe i really am off base. someone tell me -- so far i don't see any answers.

this has been a brutal week for me emotionally. i'm pleased it is over. i'm pleased that 'anniversary' of sorts of his visit here to break up exactly one week ago at 7:30 p.m., will have passed and i managed to survive this bump. i'm pleased that i had the tools from my past to cope with the heartbreak.

i'm not pleased - that in essence - nothing has changed.

while i'm not sure there is a term for it, 20 years ago my therapist trained me in how to love one's body through being touch-intimate "with self." she recommended this exploratory measure as away to begin loving this body i detested so for reacting to being raped.

cannot recall when i had practiced this last, but i did explore again sunday as one of my "be kind to self today" coping mechanisms. it worked just as it had in 1988. it was important again to realize that i'm a living, breathing, sexually desirable and desirous man. still. despite what time does to us, i found myself hot. and it made me think that, damn, i deserve better than being dumped (don't we all) and i deserve better than having to cruise websites for a date. i don't even like that my only outlet to have serious discourse with other men is right here! (that is not a put down, just oddly reflects exactly the same issue as online dating.)

i do not feel as though i fit -- online, or anywhere really. and that scares me. forever in limbo -- and alone. what could the third strike be?



_________________________
Jeff

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.