...to quote the wicked witch of the west as she wrings her hands: 'what a world, what a world!'. indeed!
ron, thanks for the response.
there are differences that i have a hard time accepting and these pain me. and this is why i'm even here. we all share, at least i think, one extremely important common bond. i also would like to think that bond allows us to "get it" - albeit in various forms and matter of degrees, true. that is my extra commentary.
important differences from 20 years ago: i was in no shape whatsoever to date then, have a relationship then, or function properly then. that was a hell of long time ago, and from where i am now -- i'm ready (and have been) for a relationship and to love and to enjoy sex with the man i love. i'm also able and willing to sweat to make the relationship work, because i understand this responsibility with another being.
i also realize, time is running its course.
at 26, i couldn't even fathom being 46. it was just "so old" and so far into the future to grasp. and yet now, i realize that was cruel time. while i can see, taste, and feel, exactly what i could on any given day in 1990 right now, the same can be said for what i will recall in year 2030. but being 66, or 86, or dead, is nothing but a time warp that is just simply called tomorrow.
am i to believe that i'll be asking these same questions tomorrow? am i to believe that i --once again-- just fall victim to the circumstances of time? this teenager gets raped in the 1970s because society ignored (rhetorically speaking) pedophiles living next door... whereas now everyone knows about peds, but the focus instead is on a evolutionary gay movement (that evolved without me).
how ironic that the gay movement demands marriage equality and yet -- no one has figured out how the f to meet in the first place? am i'm a victim by remaining single simply because i desire a healthy, normal 1-on-1 relationship when everyone else has accepted the open door policy?
rather condemning commentary it seems to me. and yes, maybe i really am off base. someone tell me -- so far i don't see any answers.
this has been a brutal week for me emotionally. i'm pleased it is over. i'm pleased that 'anniversary' of sorts of his visit here to break up exactly one week ago at 7:30 p.m., will have passed and i managed to survive this bump. i'm pleased that i had the tools from my past to cope with the heartbreak.
i'm not pleased - that in essence - nothing has changed.
while i'm not sure there is a term for it, 20 years ago my therapist trained me in how to love one's body through being touch-intimate "with self." she recommended this exploratory measure as away to begin loving this body i detested so for reacting to being raped.
cannot recall when i had practiced this last, but i did explore again sunday as one of my "be kind to self today" coping mechanisms. it worked just as it had in 1988. it was important again to realize that i'm a living, breathing, sexually desirable and desirous man. still. despite what time does to us, i found myself hot. and it made me think that, damn, i deserve better than being dumped (don't we all) and i deserve better than having to cruise websites for a date. i don't even like that my only outlet to have serious discourse with other men is right here! (that is not a put down, just oddly reflects exactly the same issue as online dating.)
i do not feel as though i fit -- online, or anywhere really. and that scares me. forever in limbo -- and alone. what could the third strike be?