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#320485 - 01/28/10 02:30 PM what it means to be alone
Brett Jay Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Minnesota
I am reading Barbara Kingsolver's The Lacuna. So far, it's about a gay kid growing up in Mexico during the 20s-30s. One passage hit me personally.

"This is what it means to be alone: Everyone is connected to everyone else. Their bodies are a bright liquid light flowing around you, sharing a single heart that drives them to move all together. If the shark comes they will all escape, and leave you to be eaten."


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#320491 - 01/28/10 03:10 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Brett Jay]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Hello Brett

You are not alone. you are connected to us and we are connected to you. if that shark comes we will be there always and never leave you.

hope this helps. be well.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#320492 - 01/28/10 03:12 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Brett Jay]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Hi Brett Jay,

I think we survivors are often lonely people. We humans really don't do well alone. I heard the other day that lonliness is a survival message letting you know you must be closely connected to others. Else, ... you get eaten by the sharks.

Allan

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#320509 - 01/28/10 07:21 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: LandOfShadow]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
I've found in the past that my sense of aloneness can be rooted in my sense of differentness, that sense of being apart from others (whether we are really so very different from everyone else or not).

Sometimes the aloneness can be more about how we view ourselves than how we really are. I know that disassociation creates or magnifies that feeling for me.

I think when we feel alone, we believe that everyone else mustn't feel that way. The quote certainly communicates that sense to me.

What surprises me is how talking to people who don't have a history of CSA reveals them expressing exactly the same feelings. We are social animals, we humans, and while the paths we traverse to feeling alone are different for each of us, the experience of feeling alone is something so very many of us share.

If so many of us share it, it makes me think that we have more in common, and perhaps something to share that gives us less reason to feel alone...

And I find that thought strangely hopeful.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#320511 - 01/28/10 07:24 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Great topic and great discussion. Really loved what everyone added to this topic and conversation.

I want to echo and agree 100% with what Mark said. Great ideas and thoughts.


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#320538 - 01/29/10 12:06 AM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Charlie24]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
For me knowing, I am alone is a hard one. I have felt like I was going to be eaten alive.

It is awful to be alone but only for awhile.

I had to feel the darkness of being alone in the midst of the CSA and the SA to start to be whole again.

Doing this "recovery" alone really sucks.

BUT with strength of you all we can make it.

Donnie

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#320561 - 01/29/10 08:59 AM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: DJsport]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
it is hard living alone. there is no one else present to divert you from obsessively contemplating your own navel. laugh , yet on the other hand frown , and sometimes cry , but always on your own, with no one to share the joys and sorrows of life and living. it's times like these that i need to remember to rely on the good people who are my friends, and who i have not yet learned how to lean on allow them to prove their sincerity; to reach out and feel them, to know they are truly there. they are there. they keep reminding me every day with random emails, text messages etc, but i refuse to allow it to amount to anything more because it all seems to equal zero. silly i know. but at least i am aware the lion's share of the problem lies in me and not them.

but what does it mean to be alone? i can find both positives and negatives in the meaning of being alone, but i'll think about that one for a bit.

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#321088 - 02/03/10 12:03 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Sans Logos]
Brett Jay Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Minnesota
Interesting posts all. Leaves me feeling a little envious. I have a few--one or two--of those supportive people you write about and being with them can be to some extent enjoyable but they leave me feeling worse than before. Despite what some of you say, I feel that I am completely isolated. No one knows me. I am in a near constant dissaociative state.

Brett


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#322210 - 02/15/10 04:55 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Brett Jay]
Buffy Offline


Registered: 02/15/10
Posts: 10
Loc: US
I can relate. When I go to some social event, I can't wait to leave after only a short time because my safety depends on being alone. And there is also a feeling that nobody wants me around anyway, which I "know" is not true but the feeling is there anyway.

But, I keep forging on. Stubbornness has been a trait of mine since I can remember. It is important that we keep pushing back in order to claim what is ours.

Peace


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#322251 - 02/15/10 08:30 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Buffy]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
I'm facing the possibility of being alone after many years in a relationship with a wonderful man. He's still here, for now, and I don't know what's going to happen, but the prospect of being lonely again is scary. I spent many, many years in the deep freeze previously and I'm going to do everything I can not to do that again.

No matter what happens, we are worth knowing and have value. We just need to give others a chance to see that in us, and see it in ourselves.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#322298 - 02/16/10 09:10 AM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
it is a good topic. and being alone is currently my greatest challenge - perhaps the greatest in 20 years. my hypothesis is - i'm not alone in that feeling, but i have no proof - and time, space, and circumstances limit us from finding each other on a street corner nowadays anyway.

furthermore... i predict that in 20 years time no one will 'feel alone' because the definition will evolve given the way communication has changed. especially true with younger generations. face2face will no longer be a requirement for a relationship. thus, those deep, emotional, contentious, forgiving, touching, and interacting bonds that relationships once thrived on, become vanilla, safe, distant, and limited to 100-character statements.... and very fulfilling sex too i am told, and breaking it off forever is as simple and unemotional as hitting the 'delete' button.

no one else sees the horrific social changes underway?

case in point: the line from above "...you are connected to us and we are connected to you...."

that is a huge cultural problem for me, because i do not connect with anyone online. my therapy, years ago, taught me the evils of distancing myself emotionally and physically from the world around... and now society finds that distance is the best way to live -- and to keep the peace and avoid heart break. just live online, no one gets hurt anymore.

i also think that the online world has cleverly tricked us into thinking friends, relationships, and connections online replace the need for face2face. it is easy to have heavy conversation online with someone 2,000 miles away.... because having this same talk in the living room with a real person is emotionally trying and risky. once the browser is closed we are trained to think all is good with the offline world. problems have melted away. loneliness is only in your mind....

the promise (hope, opportunity) for real connections is what teases me to keep coming back online, to here, and to currently 18 dating websites. this is only because real forms of meeting in this day in age are more limited than ever before.

in my view, these are very strange times socially and they will only grow more fragmented due to the internet. i think that more than ever before, anyone who is lonely or alone runs a greatest risk of following this new order -- instead of sticking to our guns and seeking old fashioned, outdated, yet true personal fulfillment with someone else.

_________________________
Jeff

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#322385 - 02/17/10 12:46 AM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: westchesterguy]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I wanted to add another thing to this topic.

I believe there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

I've been lonely. I've been lonely in large crowds.

Moving out of my home state of Michigan to Arizona has really forced me to do major growing up.

When I first moved down here I was alone and extremely lonely.

Being on my own outside of the confines of the college dorms has allowed me to flourish in many ways.

I feel less and less lonely even though I am alone in my apt, just me.

I want to echo the comments made by Jeff about the whole online world.

I too believe things like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter give people false senses of reality. I remember seeing people with 500 Friends. Now are they really friends, true good friends with each of those individuals. I can't answer that, I can't speak for them, cause I'm not sure their terms of what a friendship is. I wonder if people say they have friends when in reality it might be more of an acquaintance. I have so many acquaintances in life.

I've known what it's like to get caught up in the whole online world and I've never felt more lonely, it's not a good feeling. I finally gave up on those sites.

I'm really trying to use moderation in my life, moderation seems to work for nutrition and it's discussed the importance of having moderation in life, not just for food. So I'm working on the balance.

Love the thought provking ideas being presented as of late, thanks so much. Feels so good to respond and share with you guys.

Charlie.


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#322462 - 02/17/10 08:07 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Charlie24]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
good topic

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#322545 - 02/18/10 01:07 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Brett Jay Offline


Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Minnesota
The sort of loneliness--being alone--I am usually referring to is the isolation resulting from the CSA. I've recently was able to be frank with my therapist about some peculiarities concerning my sexuality (BDSM) which I became conciously aware of and which underscore my lifelong isolation even more. What I was left with after the CSA was very little, barely enough to go on with. And now all these years later nothing has essentially changed. No matter who I am with, no matter how sincerely they care for me, I am still on the outside looking in and feel things only partway. If I am treated badly I am devastated but if I am not I am lost, no wholly myself.


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#322571 - 02/18/10 08:30 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Brett Jay]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
I understand.

I feel a sense of apartness, of distance, sometimes myself. Giving yourself permission to explore the landscape of your sexuality with your T is great. I don't think I'm there yet.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#322616 - 02/19/10 09:19 AM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Brett Jay]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Brett Jay
...I've recently was able to be frank with my therapist about some peculiarities concerning my sexuality (BDSM) which I became conciously aware of and which underscore my lifelong isolation even more...


what is the relationship between your sexuality and being isolated?

_________________________
Jeff

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#323426 - 02/26/10 08:20 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Brett Jay]
earthmam70 Offline


Registered: 12/24/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Orange County, CA
I am constantly feeling this way. And thought reading everything on this site makes me feel a little less isolated, once I close the browser I am pulled back to reality and the feeling that my loneliness will never end.


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#323441 - 02/27/10 01:11 AM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: earthmam70]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Originally Posted By: earthmam70
I am constantly feeling this way. And thought reading everything on this site makes me feel a little less isolated, once I close the browser I am pulled back to reality and the feeling that my loneliness will never end.


You hit the nail on the head with this one, great thoughts man and I've felt like this so many times.

I realized, while I'm grateful for the site, I've found at times coming here and being here can make me feel even more lonely in my life.

Have to be careful not to let my recovery dominate my life.

Great topic and thoughts.

In a way its comforting to know I'm not alone in these feelings. It also can be very painful as well cause I'm not sure on how to be less lonely.

Charlie.


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#323588 - 02/28/10 06:20 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Charlie24]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
Funny... Till I came to MS, I felt very alone in my walk. Even though I have friends and family and coworkers who care about me, I had no connection to others who were like me. I am so thankful for this site. It has opened up a new world for me and now I feel very connected and a part of something bigger than myself.

On the otherhand, I am torn between my new found love for myself as a result of this site and the possibility that I may be pulled further away from reality in my day to day dealings. Especially when someone sez... Just send me an email.

This revelation makes me build a new resolve and to strive to meet face2face with all whom I have dealings. And it brings in the desire to meet you guys face2face too. I look forward to the day when I can do just that. In the meantime... Ill see you on here and accept that this is only temporary until i can see you in person!


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#324090 - 03/04/10 10:50 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Charlie24]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Charlie24
....I realized, while I'm grateful for the site, I've found at times coming here and being here can make me feel even more lonely in my life...


yes, me too charlie.

have already begun processing the decision on whether or not my time on this site has come to an end as a result.

_________________________
Jeff

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#332130 - 05/26/10 02:31 AM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: westchesterguy]
Kiev Offline


Registered: 05/25/10
Posts: 24
Loc: Georgia, USA, Ukraine
Interesting thread! Like many of you, I have a top shelf job with responsibility and decision making. I view my job as my island in my current sea of fear. Sparing the details, my current wife will now become by second ex-wife. She will officially be leaving me after the Memorial Day Holiday. I do not want to be alone, but I will. Luckly, my cat, Molly, still loves me! I am hoping to connect with many of you and I want you to know I will do my best to help you all! God Bless!


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#332577 - 05/30/10 08:29 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Kiev]
Joren Offline


Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
Being alone is what I fear above almost all else. I spent so many years alone that I have great trouble facing it. It's made the relationship with my wife even more complicated than it already was (gay man, straight wife).

It's almost as if I'm not quite strong enough to make it on my own, but having another person there to lean on at times really helps.


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#334201 - 06/19/10 11:34 PM Re: what it means to be alone [Re: Joren]
SafetySearcher Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 1
I sometimes get lonely especially when I am down. I think that I am lonely because I don't want to tread on the other persons boundaries. I stand back and isolate myself. This makes the other person upset and think that I am a snob or that I don't care. What I realize is that I want people to respect my boundaries but I don't want to say what those boundaries are. I want them to be assumed. I know this is a flawed way of thinking but I know I am not alone in this thinking. I am striving to not be offended or upset when someone tells me their boundaries and I must not shy away from people who get close to my boundaries and make statements rather than demands when I need to make my boundaries clear.


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