To my Father.
A man I hardly knew criticized me, and I spiraled into a depression...one of those in which I always find myself when I have been criticized in any way. I wondered why. And then I realized something: it was you all along. That man was you. Through my whole life, they were all you.
Any time anyone criticized me, it was you.
Any time anyone found me inadequate for any reason, it was you.
Any time anyone found me less than masculine, it was you.
Any time anyone called me fat, it was you.
Any time I was afraid to speak my mind, I was afraid to talk back to you.
In every encounter I ever had, I was the weaker, because I was always dealing with you.
When you threw me on the floor at your feet and said those horrible things to me, you took away my soul. I believed you. You were my father. You were truth. You were sorry that I was your son. I was no good at all.
But now I understand the hold you have had on my life. Now I know. And I have decided to defeat you. You will not win. You tried to kill me. You tried to kill my spirit, but you didn't get it all. Some of it went into hiding and you couldn't find that part of me.
And I grow stronger every day, my father. And one day soon, I will break out of this prison you put me in when I was five years old, and I will live in spite of you. Where once I heard the negative droning of your voice, there will be silence. Where once I was held down by the heavy weight of your shame, I will now be buoyed up by the beauty of my truth. When I look in the mirror, I will see, not a worthless,depressed child, but a man who is worthy of being loved and capable of loving in return.
I will defeat you. I will. And one day, that little five year old boy that you threw on the floor at your feet is going to rise up, become the man he was always meant to be and just beat the crap right out of what's left of your memory. It's coming. It's on it's way. Count on it. Bobby
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.