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#319530 - 01/20/10 04:31 PM As I am, not as I was..,triggers!
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
***Edited for research content, I am job hunting.***




Edited by sasuva (02/11/10 04:43 PM)
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#319538 - 01/20/10 05:34 PM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: SamV]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
brother, it took a person with a lot of integrity and courage to out his shadow in public like this. obviously you have learned and gained some valuable insights into the foundations of your own deep seated anger. your resolve to do better and to make amends is admirable. let those without fault be the first to cast a stone. congratulations on a milestone in your recovery, and thanks for reminding us, once again, about the power of this organization to bring light healing and peace to men suffering the ravages of sexual victimization. recovery is a process, and you are obviously doing something right to have come this far. keep going.

hoping for continued healing for you and your family,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#319540 - 01/20/10 05:52 PM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: Sans Logos]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1359
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:28 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#319541 - 01/20/10 06:04 PM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: SamV]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: sasuva
AAAaaRrrGGGHHhhhh!

You all are so precious to me, I feel I have come to call you friends.


Sasuva

I hope and pray for you and your family. ****taking deep breaths here*****

This will take time. Healing take times!!! Your own growth as a survivor is paramount. Honesty is the groundwork of truthful and loving relationships. This step your taking is an important one. Your family has been damaged.

I hestiate to say more as I don't want you getting "mad" at me and I fear you now.

Donnie.



Edited by DJsport (01/20/10 08:07 PM)
_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319545 - 01/20/10 07:31 PM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: DJsport]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1138
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Sasuva,

I support you in your efforts to heal and Recover from the awful crap we call CSA. I admire you for your honesty. I fear you because you have acted out physically with anger.

My abuse is limited to what I do to myself (and against God) and the emotional isolation I have to maintain with my family.

I'm praying for you and your family.

Jim

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#319634 - 01/21/10 05:26 PM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: Jim1961]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
"It takes a whole community to raise a child." I have been raised. When I opened up my account in MaleSurvivor, I knew I would be chastised, run out of the only place I have found comfort. I have confessed abuse to the members of this organization that have themselves felt the pain of being unfairly punished, tortured. When I opened this post and read the replies, I cried, softly at first, then sobbing as I read and re-read the loving and thoughtful comments. I could not reply, I was shaking uncontrollably. I was so exhausted, I slept. I did not dream, I did not move. I awoke, tense and uncertain. I came back to MS, and read the replies again, strengthened by them, and was able to speak. Your words refreshed my parched, beaten mind, like cool water on a dry, hot day. I fought the guilt of my being abusive, terrified I would lose my identity in the pain of remembering, lose the progress I had made. Your reply strengthens my self-image, sharpening the new person that is emerging. Sans, I did not know why I kept abusing, I hated it and myself. When I remembered I had been abused, it began to make sense. Duncan, the thought of what terrible things I did I was unable to process, so I did not take responsiblilty. Now I can heal myself and my family, my wonderful family, and begin to help my boys live the life they want to, knowing the abuse, but not being a slave to it as I was. Donnie, I have caused you to be uncomfortable, please forgive me. Thank you for your kind words. thank you for your support. Jim, I have not met or chatted with you, and yet you took the time to reach out to me, I am humbled by your gracious and giving personality. May all of us find the serenity and calm that helps us move away from the battle that has claimed the ones that we know and the unknown soldiers that we do not. Today, I am comforted, today I am refreshed, today, I will not be moved from the course that brings peace. Today I am healed by you. Soon, I too look forward to a complete healing, and healing others.

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#319635 - 01/21/10 05:30 PM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Last night, I encouraged my youngest to remember the abuse. My wife and I helped him to not feel he deserved it. He told me, in a family conference, that I was to blame for his abuse. He cried, we physically and emotionally supported him, and talked about his safety. We left him feeling good about himself and his family. I could not have been more proud. Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#319637 - 01/21/10 05:54 PM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: SamV]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Sam,

Your a brother. You have decided like the rest of us to be honest for whatever reason.

You know what needs to be done for your family. And this is commendable.

It takes alot of strength to face any adversity. It is good your learning better ways of coping instead of striking others.

We learn from your experience as well.

Hang in there,
Donnie

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319663 - 01/22/10 12:15 AM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: DJsport]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 821
Loc: Ohio
Sam,

If I may speak from the heart. What good can come in the world when those that do wrong, rather than needing righteous vengence shall drop their instruments of evil and take up instead the sword of righteousness and endeavor to defend the weak instead of exploit them. Christianity is filled with examples of those that realize their weakness and wickedness and repent. God bless you and good luck in your endeavors.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#319672 - 01/22/10 01:01 AM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: catfish86]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

Well Sam, great courage on your part to tell your story.

Having just learned a thing or two forgiveness myself, I am glad that your son had forgiven you.

Little Pete & big Pete, offer you and your family our compassion, understanding & love.

Wishing you all healing & love.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#319748 - 01/22/10 05:04 PM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: petercorbett]
J.R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/07
Posts: 307
Loc: United States
I am sorry that you had to resort to such measures. However, I understand that CSA is a very hard thing to deal with, and as Survivors, we deal with our issues in a multitude of different ways. I pray that you are able to find different ways to express your feelings and your family may become whole.

I am also glad that you were able to have the courage and integrity to post the situation here at MS. Although we don't condone your actions, we understand and will do what we can as you progress in your recovery.

J.R.

_________________________
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved. -Helen Keller

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#320354 - 01/27/10 10:43 AM Re: As I am, not as I was..,triggers! [Re: J.R.]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Thank you, for your kind, and firm words. There is such a struggle to understand the boundaries that "normal" people have in expressing positive and negative emotions. I had to find out that I was not expressing my feelings correctly. I had been trained to believe this behavior was correct and necessary. I still fail more than I succeed when it comes to there being more than one right answer. However, I am making progress. I judge that progress by the reactions of my family, my children want to be by me and do more things with me, and my wife is a little jealous. It will balance out in time. Without MS, this would be impossible, without its members, catastrophic. My best wishes, thoughts, prayers and hope to you, who have supported me, that you too will find the joy of recovery and consistent progressive efforts that take us away from our training and into the waiting arms of loved ones, colleagues and friends.

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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