Hi My name is jason, 19, and a survivor. I am looking for someone/support group in the RTP, North Carolina.
Well, the abuse started at the age of 8 and didn't quit until the age of 12. The abuser's name was Travis Freeman, my neighbor, and he was 16 years old. I lived in Florida at the time. The abuse didn't feel like abuse at first. At the age of 8 someone making me feel good sexual was very rewarding. But when I didn't want to have sexual relations' I had to anyways. I was forced sometimes to give him oral pleasures even if i didn't want to.
This really messed with my emotions and the need for attention. I would find myself going back and back and back to him when my mom wouldn't pay attention to me..maybe i was trying to replace "his attention" with the loss of the mother and fathers. Don't get me wrong, I was loved by my mother but i just didn't get enough attention (3 brothers and 2 step-sisters and a step-father i didn't get along with).
After years went by i know more about sexual intercourse then your average 18 year old did, at the age of 12. I was forced to watch porno movies, please him, and grow up to fast. I don't know how to explain it. It is hard imagine a 12 year old knowing so much about sex. I can't believe that i managed with the stress. At the age of 12 i finally moved.
I arrived here in North Carolina with the intent to live a better life, which i have mostly. The only thing that still remains un-complete are my sexual thoughts and actions. When I see a girl or boy all i think of is how/or what can i say to make them have sex with me.. Or how can I please them.. For the longest time after having sexual intercourse with a male or female i had a sense of "emptyness" when the intercourse was over. I felt bad like I had done something wrong to just please my-self. At times I would just say stuff to make it so i could have sex with that person.. after words just sorrow
I felt like it was all my fault. I was using that person to repeat the process that travis had done to me. It is very very hard to have a normal sexual relationship with my girlfriend.
My current girlfriend has meant the world to me. She is the first person I have told about my sexual abuse.. wait, the first person who has cared enough to help me with my bad childhood. Now at the age of 19, I feel like i am back down to the age of 13. I hurt my-self when I don't get things sexual.. because I expected and received them all these years now.. for the first time..i don't get what I want... adn I don't know what to do???
I am here to tell u my story and ask for conversation to help me..I want to know if anyone else has triump'd over this abuse and can help me so i can help my-self.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story, no, my life.
[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: jason ]