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#31935 - 05/26/02 07:44 PM I need help with child abuse when younger.
jason Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/26/02
Posts: 1
Loc: NC
Hi My name is jason, 19, and a survivor. I am looking for someone/support group in the RTP, North Carolina.

=========MY STORY==========
Well, the abuse started at the age of 8 and didn't quit until the age of 12. The abuser's name was Travis Freeman, my neighbor, and he was 16 years old. I lived in Florida at the time. The abuse didn't feel like abuse at first. At the age of 8 someone making me feel good sexual was very rewarding. But when I didn't want to have sexual relations' I had to anyways. I was forced sometimes to give him oral pleasures even if i didn't want to.

This really messed with my emotions and the need for attention. I would find myself going back and back and back to him when my mom wouldn't pay attention to me..maybe i was trying to replace "his attention" with the loss of the mother and fathers. Don't get me wrong, I was loved by my mother but i just didn't get enough attention (3 brothers and 2 step-sisters and a step-father i didn't get along with).

After years went by i know more about sexual intercourse then your average 18 year old did, at the age of 12. I was forced to watch porno movies, please him, and grow up to fast. I don't know how to explain it. It is hard imagine a 12 year old knowing so much about sex. I can't believe that i managed with the stress. At the age of 12 i finally moved.

I arrived here in North Carolina with the intent to live a better life, which i have mostly. The only thing that still remains un-complete are my sexual thoughts and actions. When I see a girl or boy all i think of is how/or what can i say to make them have sex with me.. Or how can I please them.. For the longest time after having sexual intercourse with a male or female i had a sense of "emptyness" when the intercourse was over. I felt bad like I had done something wrong to just please my-self. At times I would just say stuff to make it so i could have sex with that person.. after words just sorrow \:\(

I felt like it was all my fault. I was using that person to repeat the process that travis had done to me. It is very very hard to have a normal sexual relationship with my girlfriend.

My current girlfriend has meant the world to me. She is the first person I have told about my sexual abuse.. wait, the first person who has cared enough to help me with my bad childhood. Now at the age of 19, I feel like i am back down to the age of 13. I hurt my-self when I don't get things sexual.. because I expected and received them all these years now.. for the first time..i don't get what I want... adn I don't know what to do???

I am here to tell u my story and ask for conversation to help me..I want to know if anyone else has triump'd over this abuse and can help me so i can help my-self.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, no, my life.

jason

[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: jason ]


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#31936 - 05/26/02 08:25 PM Re: I need help with child abuse when younger.
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi jason. When I was 8 years old kids my age and 16 year olds did'nt hang out together. This guy's in high school and he's getting chummy with a snot nosed kid,a baby just out of diapers? The other kids in his school would've laughed him off the planet. Not to mention your mom & dad. Did'nt your parents think the guy was a wierdo SOB? If my 8 year old son and a 16 year old high school student were dallying I'd ask the 16 year old "Hey what th fuck's going on here ya little creep?". Then I'd backhand him.


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#31937 - 05/27/02 02:39 AM Re: I need help with child abuse when younger.
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
Hello Jason
Welcome
and please, please,
do not let some of the other posting,
that respond to your story,
have a big impact on you or your posting.

Ideally this is a safe place, to be able to tell the things that we've keep inside and not just to keep to our self's, hopefully someone else will know how you feel or been going through the same thing in their life.

Did you know that one in every six boys have been through sex abuse by another person?

Most of us find life like a roller coster ride, when your one of the one's out of the six boys.

I'm not sure were in NC one can find help,
like therapy, or a group, or maybe counselling, but glad you found this site as an outlet and the chance to find out the information, at this time.

fmighell anc. ak.


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#31938 - 05/27/02 02:40 PM Re: I need help with child abuse when younger.
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I would try to find a few couseling centers near where you live and fine out about groups

Also YMCA and YWCA might have some knowledge of programs. Let me know what happenes, I sent you a private message, look under your profile, it is there. Thought you could use encouragement. Take care.

Mochael Joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#31939 - 05/28/02 06:07 PM Re: I need help with child abuse when younger.
jerunamuck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/01
Posts: 22
Loc: Maine
Welcome Jason

Dito what fmighell said! Blaming everyone who missed the signs is not the road to recovery.

Yes you can and will triumph over the deamons between your ears! I think you've realized that doing so alone is probably the most dificult path to take. I am returning to this group after a long absence, trying to do it on my own. My bad!

When I was 8... I already knew too much about $ex! Kids my age looked up to the teenagers in the neighborhood. They were cool, they could drive, they had money and beer and weed (60's values). If any of them paid attention to me thn I was cool too! Little Jerry had no way of knowing the real cost of that acceptance.

Keep coming back, it gets better!

PS. It's probably a good idea to practice some anonymity while on line. Giving out full names and places is risky.

[ May 28, 2002: Message edited by: jerunamuck ]


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#31940 - 05/28/02 06:21 PM Re: I need help with child abuse when younger.
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hey Jason,
I can understand where you are coming form with the older boy thing because it happened to me also..for a few years! Back then 11 to 14... Getting high and getting away from my family seemed to be worth the SA. Now it sucks..Big Time!!!!! You should find a therapist who deals with male SA...He or She will find anything else that you need...Pdocs, Meds, Groups, ect....whatever there is in your area. Good Luck and hang in there!!!

Eddie


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#31941 - 05/29/02 02:50 AM Re: I need help with child abuse when younger.
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
edit your last name off if you want jason, you should protect your self a little.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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