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#319184 - 01/17/10 02:21 PM SA by a woman
leftylib Offline


Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 11
I'm a female dating an older man who was sexually abused by women and perhaps by men, too. He was raised Catholic. His mother was physically abusive. To say he has intimacy issues is an understatement. I have been totally faithful to him, but I feel like no deed goes unpunished with him.

The pain for me is his unwillingness to be honest about his homosexual tendancies. He is adamant that he is straight, but he's had sexual encounters with men since I met him. He's living a double life basically and I'm so insecure I'm not functioning very well as an independant adult, because I'm always seeking validation from him that I can't get. He is also an alcoholic and I'm starting to realize I'm co-dependant.

I'm really sorry that these things happened to all of you. I've never dealt with anything like this in my life and by being with this man I can really see the kind of inner termoil it can create where it's difficult to establish your own identity or to feel like you have control over it.

I really thank you all for sharing your stories here, because this whole thing has been very isolating for me and I sometimes feel like it's me and hearing your stories gives life to my boyfriends experiences and to mine in dealing with him.

I hope I will be welcome on this board and I wish you all well.

Lefty


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#319261 - 01/18/10 10:25 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: leftylib]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Lefty,
You are most certainly welcomed here. Would the man in your live be willing to ask for help? You can't fix what you won't admit. Coming to this sight would be a great start for him. Perhaps both of you would benefit from professional counseling.

He is in need of a miracle. But don't worry there are plenty out there...I have already had my share!!

Much love and respect, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

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#319264 - 01/18/10 11:18 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: leftylib]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: leftylib
I hope I will be welcome on this board and I wish you all well.


Leftylib - you are very welcome. I am honored to hear your story.

I do hope you feel better about yourself as you will see by reading here that what your BF is going through is intense.

It can be intense to realize. Give yourself time to breathe and take a break.

I wish you the best.

DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319265 - 01/18/10 11:20 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: leftylib]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
lefty, i can see what a vulnerable and docile state you find yourself in. he is very 'blessed' to have such a compassionate heart surrounding him and looking out for his better needs.

please make sure you are protecting yourself from collateral damages [ i understand do-dependency, and how it can lead to its own tragic circumstances]. i am concerned that you not risk your own health at his expense. please be safe sexually, in the event he is being promiscuous.

if he begins to see that his risky behavior could be a result of the sexual victimization, then perhaps he can be steered here; but of course a horse can be led to water, but it can't be forced to drink. he can only take the remedy if he believes in it.

at any rate, you have done well to engage the recovery process, and even if it does not lead to a postive result for the both of you, at least you will have educated yourself about the tragedy of that 1 in 6 of the male population are struggling with the damages of sexual victimization, and in that respect you can help raise awareness about the issues connected to the dis-ease, becoming an informed advocate for the cause.

all the best to you both,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#319291 - 01/18/10 03:38 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: Tedure]
leftylib Offline


Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 11
Hi Ted,

I don't know if I can get him to come to the site, but I started telling him about it as soon as I found it - He was curious what about the board reminded me of him and as I told him he seemed to identify.

We do need professional counseling if we're going to continue. We may have an opportunity to do that soon.

Thanks for the advice.

Love & Respect,

Lefty



Edited by leftylib (01/18/10 03:40 PM)

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#319292 - 01/18/10 03:42 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: DJsport]
leftylib Offline


Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 11

Hi DJ,

It's so hard because the things about the relationship that have broken my heart are tied to bigger issues for him that make me very sad. And then I almost feel like my own painful issues in life (not abuse but neglect related, parental affairs etc), don't really get any validation. This is why the relationship has felt so draining. What I'm really afraid of is he'll have a loving relationship with me and a sexual relationship with men and I'll just get the crumbs. Sometimes I think we should just give it up.

It is intense thank you for relating to what I'm saying.

Love & Respect,

Lefty


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#319294 - 01/18/10 03:45 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: Sans Logos]
leftylib Offline


Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 11
Ron,

1 in 6 incredible. Thank you for teaching me and I'm looking forward to looking into the library here. I'm a vegetarian and a pacifist and an activist and I don't believe in any living thing getting hurt.


Thank you for acknowledging my path to healing myself in co-dependancy and honoring what I've learned by loving a survivor.

Love & Respect,

Lefty


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#319963 - 01/24/10 03:52 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: leftylib]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Lefty,

"because I'm always seeking validation from him that I can't get. He is also an alcoholic and I'm starting to realize I'm co-dependant."

I'm familiar with co-dependence as well. Seeking validation from others is a huge part of that. I hope you realize that the only one you truly need validation from is yourself. Obviously you love the guy and care about him greatly. He's very fortunate to have someone like that in his life.

I know he is going through a lot of trouble right now. Be sure not to force the issue on him and allow him to do this on his own terms. You can support him that way. It's good to be there for someone for that you love. It's important to remember that his problems are still, HIS problems ultimately and that it can be tempting to beat yourself up for it whenever he slips up.

You can detach yourself and still have a loving relationship.


Good luck,
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#320030 - 01/24/10 10:57 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: leftylib]
mrrecovery Offline


Registered: 07/22/08
Posts: 80
Originally Posted By: leftylib
Ron,

I'm a vegetarian and a pacifist and an activist and I don't believe in any living thing getting hurt.



I am a meatatarian, hunter, and actively involved in fighting for gun rights in my country,..I am probably more rightwing than you are left...BUT, none of that matters on THIS board...here we are all survivors.

I can relate to your BF's experience as I was also abused by a woman...my mother.

I can also agree with many of the comments here, specifically that 1) he is lucky to have someone in his corner 2) it's a good idea to also take care of yourself (if you have ever traveled by airplane, you will note they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others).

You seem to be self-aware and interested in learning more..may i suggest some books? Perhaps if he sees you reading them, he may be inspired as well (as others said, it is better to attract than to impose recovery):

1) Victims No Longer by Mike Lew...the "bible" for malesurvivors
2) Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie
3) Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix...this talks about how we fall in love with our "imago," a composite of all the people who took care (or didn't take care) of us in our childhood

_________________________
WoR Alumni - Mysthaven Nov 7-9, 2008; Advanced WoR - Alta Sept 11-13, 2009, Mike Lew Victims No Longer Workshop 2010, Malesurvivor International Conference 2010

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