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#319060 - 01/16/10 04:15 AM Do all survivors cheat?
givemestrength Offline


Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 26
Ok...so I realise the answer to this question is no but I'm just wondering how common this is...

My husband has lied to me and betrayed my trust many times over but swares he has not cheated on me physically with anyone...

I believe him...most of the time...but sometimes i am so overwhelmed with fear that he will hurt me again or that he already has in worse ways that what I know...

we are going really well at the moment...this probably has something to do with this fear I'm having...it's hard letting your guard down..again and again and again..

Also I just found out I'm pregnant again...obviously this has something to do with my anxiety too...I just hope it's all irrational fear and hormones and not something more..

sometimes reading other people's posts is detrimental..does anyone else find that? Sometimes I start projecting other people's experiences onto ours...very very unhelpful!! (obviously this is a fault of my own and not the other person who has posted!!)

Also I just wanted to say to ALL doing it tough but who are hanging in there and giving it your best shot...you are amazing!

I feel better now...think I just needed to have a rant as I'm feeling much less anxious and fearful

maybe it is just hormones...


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#319072 - 01/16/10 09:25 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: givemestrength]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1309
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/30/13 10:23 PM)
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#319087 - 01/16/10 11:42 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: Obi]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
HI, Givemestrength,

I DID. I hated myself for it. I had 2 affairs with men before I got honest with my ex-wife during a 6 month period. I was to frightened to deal with the details of the csa. I have dealt more with the csa now. I have been divorced for 20 years.

This is an individual thing with everybody/survivor. I can be committed now but, I could not before "recovery".

DJ



Edited by DJsport (01/16/10 12:38 PM)
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Live to your fullest potential

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#319134 - 01/16/10 10:29 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: DJsport]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6400
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
????

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#319147 - 01/17/10 01:08 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: Still]
givemestrength Offline


Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 26
Obi- thanks for your response I really get what your saying about extremes! And definitely get what you were saying about survivors having been through extreme circumstances and thus things manifesting themselves in extremes too! Your insight has been helpful so thank you...it's so good to hear it from your perspective.

DJ- thankyou for your response also. I'm sad to hear that that was your experience but glad to know that with healing you can now be committed.
I know it's an individual thing for everyone sometimes its just easier to ask silly questions to keep them from going round and round in my head!
This might sound silly also but what was your road to recovery like? I've heard a lot about 12 step programs and things from this site but (from my husband's experience in getting help) I feel like healing around sexual assault in Australia is handled a bit differently. I don't really know but I that's what I've got from his experience, and mine.

Robbie- sometimes it does seem that way!!! I have known about what happened to my husband for about two and a half years now and there has come many points at which I thought I had no other option than to run but thankfully I didn't!! Still find it hard not to wonder if he has been unfaithful to me...though I feel like a complete dog for even writing it!

Thank you all for your responses, it means a lot.
Take care.


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#319148 - 01/17/10 01:59 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: givemestrength]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
givemestrength,

I have not cheated on my wife. Thankfully I can say that. What the statistics are? You can probably google it but be critical of the source. Even before I remembered the truly devastating abuse and before we were married, I was open about my being bisexual and some of the issues I faced. That helped tremendously when I started recovering memories and the impact showed. My wife trusted me. It is hard to tell you whether your husband is trustworthy, truth is we don't know. The therapist my wife and I are seeing addressed my wife's fears that I might become an abuser by asking if she knows of any instance that I engaged in inappropriate behavior. The answer was no. The therapist then said that if I were disposed to do so, I would have done it by now.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#319150 - 01/17/10 02:15 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: catfish86]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: catfish86
I have not cheated on my wife. Thankfully I can say that.


Good for those who don't cheat. Give yourself a pat on the back. It is unfortunate that survivors judge other survivors for being "sinful" and NOT able to handle it.

It is tough to forgive and find meaning in a relationship. It is important to be true to yourselves.

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319186 - 01/17/10 02:31 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: DJsport]
leftylib Offline


Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 11
Hi,

I'm new here I'm a 28 year old woman dating a 49 year old man who is a survivor of abuse. This is a relatively new relationship, but already I can realte to what you're saying. He has some compulsive homosexual tendancies and I don't even know how I'd respond if I found him with another woman, but he's said things to me like he could do better or pointed out women he thinks he'd be more compatible with and sometimes I just feel like he's seeking revenge against women and doesn't want me to be happy and doesn't want to give me the approval I need and try to give him.

I've tried to be totally open. I've basically stood back while he's messed around with men never really knowing the specific details. The bottom line is this can be very dangerous behavior disease wise especially since he's trying to hide it. To me that's probably the most important factor.

But the emotional repercussions of being with a man who is an abuse survivor can create a very substantial amount of loneliness.

I'm in therapy and I've started attending Al-Anon meetings and I'm trying to seek validation and stability outside the relationship since there is very little within the relationship.

Only you can say how much you can tolerate, but what's really important, I think anyway, is that you get some emotional safeguards in place for yourself and that you work on yourself despite what he does - and it's true you absolutely cannot force an addict or a person who is wounded to heal before their own time - it's kind of like greif and mourning - it is its own cycle and we don't do anyone a service if we try to force resolution of their feelings.

Wishing you much luck and good feelings about yourself, because I know you mean well.

Lefty


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#319207 - 01/17/10 07:13 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: leftylib]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Hey Lefty,

About a year ago my long term partner and I broke up, in no small part because of our sexuality. I am bisexual, 80/20% straight or so, which she knew about from the beginning but had a hard time accepting. Not because she was homophobic but instead to do with me being with anyone other than her.

Ironically, later in our relationship she approached me and broached the subject of sex with other people as a couple, namely her, me and another girl. Of course I said yes but it didn't turn out well. In the end my partner left me for her, who died unexpectedly at a young age less than a year later. I don't know what else to say except that sexual fun is one thing and intimacy and connection with someone is another.

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#319214 - 01/17/10 09:14 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: jls]
leftylib Offline


Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 11
Hi There,

Thank you for your response. To be honest I think I could deal with it if we found a bisexual male to be with both of us (and I could deal with women maybe too)or if he could articulate his desires instead of just passive aggressively showing me, but I suppose all that he's been through has conditioned him to believe sexual contact with males must be covert. He saw a gay male a few times and now we have a bisexual male friend who we're not sleeping with but who is cohesive between he and I somewhat - whereas the gay male was kind of enabling my boyfriend to be abusive as a catalyst for their sex acts in private.

I agree that intimacy and sex can be seperate sometimes and I thank you for sharing your story of this relationship and wish you well in full acceptance of your identity.


Lefty


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#319463 - 01/20/10 04:05 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: Still]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Robbie Brown
Do all wives drop their guns and run????


No they don't and there are plenty of us on this forum to prove it! I've told myself many times that I can't take anymore of the emotional abuse thrown at me from my partner but the love we share keeps me here. Do the good times outweigh the bad? I don't know sometimes its 50/50 but I still love him and I know he loves me. As long as he continues to commit to his recovery I will stand by him and support him as much as I can and thats all any of us can do. x


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#319465 - 01/20/10 04:16 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: Obi]
Angelx Offline


Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Obi
givemestrength,

i have noticed that with most guys who have been abused we tend to deal in extremes..


Wow Obi that is so true with my partner. I am always saying that to him about stuff. I'm lucky in that he is extremely loving and effectionate and very loyal (although he hasn't always been in past relationships). He is either all or nothing in everything he does which is sometimes very frustrating. He gets obsessive about things too which drives me crazy sometimes!


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#319491 - 01/20/10 10:35 AM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: Angelx]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Hi guys,

Thank you for all the insightful responses and perspectives. I have cheated on my partner many times. For us survivors, we were taught that we can get affection and attention through sex. However, I think it would be hasty to assume that promiscuity can be solely attributed to being a survivor. I think there are several factors that may contribute to promiscuous behavior and I'd even go out on a limb and say that it goes beyond being a survior.

Just like they say it takes a whole village to raise a child, it also takes institutions to mold one's behavior and identity - particularly gender. We live in a patriarchical society and unfortunately the stereotypes were created accordingly. Men are supposed to be the dominant sex, the ones chosen for hunting, protecting, and fighting. While this stereotype is crude and archaic, it's still prevalent in all cross-sections of society and culture - from the most remote regions of third world countries to gangs, families, politics, and fire/police departments all around the world. Men everywhere are supposed to be strong and show no signs of weaknesses. They're not allowed to cry and they're taught to keep their emotions bottled up (perhaps this is why females cope better with processing feelings, even the chaotic ones). Men are also conditioned to not ask for help. How many of you have gotten lost on vacation because hubby refused to ask for directions? The other sinister stereotype that probably is relevant to this whole discussion is the double standard of men and promiscuity. Men who fcuk around are 'studs' and 'playas' while women who screw around are 'bitches' and 'whores'. Considering all these stereotypes in mind, is it possible that they too may have contributed to why men are promiscuous? Men in general, not just survivors, are in some way or another molded by these stereotypes. I would even go out on a limb and say that they may even contribute to why men have addictions. It is possible that along with broken homes (alcoholism, boundary issues, divorce) and fear of intimacy (who truly understands intimacy and how to properly connect intimately and spiritually with a loved one?), there may be other factors involved to why men cheat. How can a man get his emotional needs met when he's conditioned to not express them nor ask for help?

Humbly,
Jay




Edited by GentleSoul (01/20/10 10:35 AM)
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#319525 - 01/20/10 03:30 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: GentleSoul]
leftylib Offline


Registered: 01/17/10
Posts: 11
Jay,

It really is a complicated issue. I hadn't thought about the conditioning to get attention and intimacy from sex due to previous abuse. But I had thought that the abuse would make it feel uncomfortable to be in a monogamous relationship.

But then it really does open up into a bigger issue about whether or not monogamy works at all. I really like sex columnist Dan Savage and he says that it's not possible to be everything to one person.


Complex indeed,

lefty


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#319537 - 01/20/10 05:32 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: leftylib]
givemestrength Offline


Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 26
Jay,
SO true with what you said about our society being a patriarchal society and the stereotypes that are permeated by this!
Definitely true about men being conditioned not to cry, show emotions or ask for help as it equates with a sign of weakness---this point makes me so sad...so hard to undo these mistruths that are so heavily ingrained in us. I know my husband has always been told by his family growing up tthat he shouldn't show his emotions (and is still told to this day). Could not agree more about the difficulties men face getting their emotional needs met when they are socialised to minimise them.
What did you mean about stereotypes contributing to addictions?

Lefty,
I think sometimes standing back while he "messes around" can be damaging emotionally too. But like you said only you know how much you can tolerate and you sound like you know your limits and are safeguarding yourself.
Also in my opinion monogamy is necessary once children are invovled...would be interested to know your thoughts though..

JLS,
that is so sad, from so many angles! Hope you are ok as this still seems very fresh..
like you and others have said intimacy and sexual fun can be two very different things...

Angel,
We and many others here are testament that that is not true. Good on you for supporting your partner through hios recovery.

One more thing that is a recurring theme for me is the use of the terms recovery and addict used here...I'm perplexed by this as the road of recovery taken by my partner (with the help of a SA therapist) has focused more on seeing the ways in which he "acted out" on the internet as ways of trying to normalise his experience and understand it...
All my husband has ever wanted is for someone to say that he is normal and ok...this road to recovery seems to be working for us...
what do others think?
I don't know if I agree with the labelling term "addict." I know that this is quite a bold statement to make here as this is how many people see the road to recovery as overcoming addiction..and perhaps I am ignorant and naieve on this topic as the therapeutic interventions used here are VERY DIFFERENT (in our experience and in the research I've done atleast). Please enlighten me if you feel the need as I have much to learn.

Bubba just woke up so got to post this without having read it so hope it makes sense..thankyou everyone...


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#319543 - 01/20/10 06:49 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: givemestrength]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
Therapy is a difficult issue. I was never in therapy as a child for the abuse that I suffered. The symptoms were treated however. I acted out in several instances. After reading a link in one of the threads here about treatment strategies for sexualized children, I realized that the therapy was not just about ADHD, but was designed for redirecting my sexualized behavior. Of course, if they had done a medical exam, it would have been readily apparent that a violent rape had occurred. Instead, we went home and never mentioned it again, like nothing had happened. The therapists constantly asked me if anyone had touched me and by that time it was completely repressed. Another huge impact on me was the YMCA affiliated Big Brother/Big Sister program. Having an adult male who was powerful (all state Tackle and State Champ Wrestler (heavyweight) in a large state) and very intelligent (PHD in metallurgy) who was interested in spending time with me encouraged me to get out of the ghetto mindset and have serious respect for myself in a way my mother's love could never touch. Those things and finally my turn for religion helped me avoid many of the pitfulls but not all of them. I still dealt with a sex addiction problem that I managed to keep to myself and not act out on or with others. I can also tell you that my wife is, due to her own issues (religous teachings that sex is bad if for pleasure/ her parents died at bad times), not very motivated sexually. Considering my own reaction to abuse has been a hypersexuality, this is a drag. My only acting out has fortunately been with Rosy Palm. But I have recently understood that the first adult male that accepted me wanted me for sex. I am very hurt when my wife would refuse to participate and she just chalked it up to me being too horny. We need to work on that. It is very true that CSA survivors equate sex with acceptance.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#319546 - 01/20/10 08:02 PM Re: Do all survivors cheat? [Re: catfish86]
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Of course all survivors don't cheat. I bet the number of survivors who cheat is not all that different from the rest of the population of people who cheat. I was married almost 32 years before my wife died about 17 months ago. I never cheated. I haven't even had sex since she died, not because I think it would be cheating. I'm just not interested. Sometimes I think that all the sex (if you want to call it that) that I experienced from age 4 to 8 was enough for a lifetime. I'm sorry I've grown to view it that way but thats one of the things that the csa did to my way of thinking about sex at this point in my life.

Dale


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